CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I know this is not a topic for this group, but I have always had issues with one of my sisters. It has gotten worse since my dad is dying. She lives in Virginia & whenever she comes to town, she stirs up trouble. Is there an active support group on DS specifically for this? I saw a couple, but they aren't very active. Suggestions? I would appreciate it. Gordo
One is adamantly opposed to Christianity and is a self proclaimed atheist. Needless to say, that this has caused division between us because she is extremely hostile to my faith in Jesus Christ, even to the point of returning my Christmas cards in the past..because the cards I mail out usually have Bible verses in them and usually have some reference to His birth..like a picture of the manger scene. I was told that she was really offended by them...
I know it's hard to have broken family relationships, but I will never deny my faith..even though it has caused them to avoid my presence and treat me badly. I pray for them, that's what I know God wants me to do. I still love them, but I can't expect any love in return if they choose to not have anything to do with me.
Not sure there are any other Christian forums that deal with estrangement from other family members..I haven't found any either. Just like I pray for my estranged oldest son, I also pray for my sisters and my Mom. Pray for your sister God wants to use you now that your Dad is dying. Be courageous..stand up for God...He's the important person in all relationships.
Maddie
My sisters aren't atheists, they claim they are Christian, but DO NOT act like it sometimes. I have 3 sisters, 1 of whom I have never gotten along with, my oldest sister & I used to be close, but have grown apart. The middle sister & I get along pretty well. My brother is dis-connected from all of us except for the middle sister. Our dysfunctional childhood has affected us for sure, but I wish we could all get along. Ive always been "Switzerland" between my sisters, tried to stay neutral. I want to know if its okay to separate myself from my sister who stirs up trouble. She claims she has changed, but I cannot see it. Less than 24 hours after her arrival in town, she has already stirred up trouble. I just don't want anything to do with her while she is here.
I only have one suggestion and that is when you are around her find the middle sister and stick as close to her as you can.
I would certainly say something to her if she gets on your back though if it is not said in anger but with firmness. If she says something hurtful. Say something like; "That was hurtful. Please do not say things like that to me anymore." Then walk away and get something to eat, drink or go to the bathroom.
If it is really that bad, yes, rather than end up saying things you might regret, avoid her if it is at all possible.
These are just a couple thoughts off the top of my head - which is getting a little thin right now! LOL
I know how hard it is to be estranged from family members like right now, I am not speaking to my meth-head alcoholic brother, who is an attorney, for very good reason. He stirred up trouble for 4 years at every holiday he woud complain about how much money my sister stole, and it got old. since he decided to sue me for a portion of the estate he was not entitled I stopped speaking to him, well, he lost in court and in life, and if he cleans up then someday he can be a distant part of my life.
My DH had to speak to him at one time and say, HEY, do not disrespect my wife and it made an impact...with several reminders.
As far as your sister is concerned, it doesn't seem like you enjoy the relationship...but how would you feel if she was to pass? Treat her with respect and communicate like an adult without being judgemental and she will either keep her distance or try to antagonize. You could turn your phone off, or decline her calls after several rings, but you might be postponing the inevidable. It feels nothing like losing a child if that's any consolation, but can divide families.
My sister, her name is Teresa, has always disliked me since we were little. She is belligerent, 2 faced, & has left numerous scars on my face from beating me up all the time as teenagers. She cant speak to me without a snippy tone to her voice. I AM amiable to her, but I don't want to have any In-depth conversations with her, because I know anything I tell her will go directly to my oldest sister...they have done that to me my whole life. Since I am the baby of the family, they think they can still boss me around & mistreat me, Ive just had enough. I think to myself "I have to put up with my own son treating me this way, why should I open myself up to it from my sisters?" Teresa & I have never had a healthy relationship, & I KNOW it's because we suffered the same physical/mental abuse from both our parents. My priest told me I need to separate myself from her for my own sanity...BTW, my oldest sister & Teresa hate my other sister with a passion. That is main reason I want nothing to do with Teresa, she spews her hatred of our other sister every chance she gets. I tell her I don't want to get involved, but it doesn't stop her. She is SO full of hatred for our sister it has deeply affected her personality. She is not a nice person. I told her the other day "im trying to come closer to God, and have been trying my hardest to forgive the people who have hurt me". HER response was "Well, that is fine & dandy for you, but that doesn't mean I have to forgive". Classic Teresa statement.
I love what you said to your sister, it must have taken some courage on your part to say that you're "trying to get closer to God and forgive those who've hurt you".
We choose to forgive. It's a choice we make, and it has nothing really to do with our feelings. I've found that forgiving those who've hurt me the most important part of my mental, emotional and spiritual health.
Forgiving in our hearts can surely help us move into a better relationship with God as well. If the people we forgive don't even care to accept that forgiveness..doesn't really matter. I've even wondered if I needed to forgive when the offender hasn't even apologized nor repented from their abusive behavior towards me?
God has been teaching me that I don't need any apology from them, especially if they aren't sincere about it. He's asked me to forgive them anyway. It's His work, through His Holy Spirit that eventually touches the heart of the one who's offended. God's job to do that..not mine.
This was so hard for me..for years. I kept asking God "why should I forgive when they aren't even sorry for what they've done to me??" It's all in the obedience of actively forgiving them in my heart. It would be so great if they would recognize how much I've hurt so deeply, for so long.
My estranged son has no idea how deeply I hurt over his rejecting behavior, and maybe he does and is happy to be hurting me??? I truly believe that God will teach my ES that there are serious consequences to hurting others. I hope that God will teach this to him at some point in his life. He may suffer estrangement from his own child someday, only God knows.
My obedience in forgiving him...well, that puts me in a proper and healthy relationship with the Lord God. Through forgiveness the chains of bitterness have been broken. It's only been since this fall that I've been completely released from any bitterness towards my sisters and Mom and my ES.
I've asked God to daily help me take this heart and keep it in "forgiveness mode"..and I have been so much healthier in so many ways. Smiling comes easier to me now. I'm done now with the time of deep mourning and grieving. Yes, occasionally there is still a pang of sadness when I see little children the age of my grandson, however, it's so much better for me right now since I've released this burden, and through forgiveness can say that joy has returned to my day.
Keep forgiving gordos..it will keep you so much healthier...and I say this with a lot of understanding because of my own personal experiences.
Maddie