CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I feel like it's a slow death. I've tried reaching out to my 30 y.o. daughter who almost 2 years ago decided she didnt want to have anything to do with me. I was and am still painfully shocked and confused. I have a beautiful 3 y.o. grandson and another one she has never let me meet. She will not accept my call, texts, emails, and her father tells me she throws out all my letters and gifts to my grandsons. Ironically I divorced her father with her blessing, due to his many infidelities , physical and emotional abuse. I have never been a smoker, a drinker or been hooked on drugs. she tells me I was being manipulative to try to spend time with my grandson. I had so much fun when I got to babysit him! I was a Labor & delivery nurse for 23 yrs, but decided to do everything the way she chose and not do the "grandma knows better" routine. I respected her choices to not vaccinate, to breast feed for over 2 yrs, everything! I wanted her to feel like the best mother ever! My daughter and I never had problems with our relatioship until she met her husband. I was excited though, thinking I was going to be part of this big happy Italian Family and looked at it as gaining a son, not losing a daughter. I truly dont know what I did to deserve this. I have a mentally ill 26 y.o. son I care for but havent been able to get him on disability yet..we've tried for years. My second husband just walked out on me 4 months ago and wants a divorce ...no ifs ands or buts about it. No counselling...nothing, after 10 yrs of marriage. Its been stressful with my son here but he is trying so hard to recover from PTSD, panic disorder, chronic social anxiety, and treatment resistant depression for 10+ years, and now struggles with agoraphobia. My daughter also cut him off. He was SO excited to be an uncle! It was actually helping his depression and anxiety.Then she exhiled him because he stood up for me. He misses his nephew and of course has never met his new nephew either. I have no family, very few good friends...they have their own lives and problems and dont understand what my son and I are going thru with his mental illness. About 4-5 yrs ago My parents both died... (they were divorced since I was 8).I have no support from anyone. My son and I have both gone to therapists and he's been to several psychiatrists over the years, and ends up getting "discharged" from their practice when they decide he's too difficult to figure out...although they find a reason to blame him.
Well, that's part of my story. I'm currently unemployed due to health issues and caring for my son, but i have to get a job and it will be good for me I think. I'm extemely lonely and depressed since my husband left. We have to move out of this house as my husband got it in the divorce.I had an awful lawyer! I get $500/mnth alimony for 2 years. My son gets $194 in food stamps. We are barely surviving. I never imagined this would be my life at 56 yrs old. The only things that keep me in this life are my son and my faith in Jesus. And I struggle with that many days now. It would be so helpful if my daughter would let us back in to her family's life. We miss them and love them so very much. I've offered to go to counselling of her choice. She lives 2.5 hrs away from me but I would gladly do it. I need to get into a divorce support group, etc asap but they are hard to find in my area for some reason. I looked all over online a few months ago. even groups that are posted aren't together anymore. Will look again. Thank you if you read this ...it was very cathartic for me to write it out finally! I would be so very grateful if you would be able to say a quick prayer for our situation...God Bless you!
Connie
As for your daughter, I would suggest to back up for a little bit. As long as she clearly knows you love her and are there whenever she decides to come back into your life, I say, move on with YOUR life. This estrangement could go on for 2 more weeks or 10 more years- only God knows, and you have value and purpose and have a life. Unfortunately, your daughter will regret the way she has treated you one day, but that is on her. In the meantime, take care of yourself in every way- get healthy, find or re-establish hobbies, try to enjoy life and serve others the best you can. Sometimes I feel like it is healthy for our estranged adult children to see us going on and living our lives without them. They cannot have control over our happiness and joy. No person can. Our joy comes from Jesus and Him alone.
I know this is not the path you wanted (believe me, I get that!), but it can be a good path- just different.
Big big hugs,
givingupcontrol
After 3 days was over I knew I had to deal with my dad's illness. He was up in age and the only thing that could be done was blood transfusions and weekly visits to the doc in town for blood draws to see when his blood count got low. I focused on him. When my son was allowed hourly visits once a week I traveled where he was and saw him. I cried myself silly over my youngest son and granddaughter when no one was around and it was pure grief. My youngest had met a very controlling married woman, they started and affair and she left her husband with them having 2 boys. She didn't like me right off because I don't control and won't be controlled. My granddaughter is now 7 and I've seen her once in 4 years after my father died and she didn't remember me. This may sound callous but I was glad that she didn't. If she'd of ran to me with her arms open screaming 'grandma' so happy to see me I would of fell apart all over again. Again, behind everyone's back I cried to myself many months over her and my youngest son. My saving grace was I had to focus on my dad and when my son got out of treatment he went back to drinking and drugs. I have dealt with this now almost 20 years.
What taught me a lesson was watching other grandparents being so used that was older than me. Their kids calling and getting angry if their parents didn't babysit at the drop of the hat. The grandparents fearing not seeing the grandkids later on would give in and be so tired themselves. Grandparents getting calls for money constantly for food, or what ever for the grandkids and the grandparents giving in to the money knowing the money excuses were lies. I made up my mind I was not going to be held hostage by a grandchild that I loved dearly. I had to walk that walk.
I was forced to focus and it helped me tremendously. I had 2 years with my daddy that I loved dearly. I did not mind and felt it was an honor to be able to take care of him. If I'd of sat and had not had him and his care to focus on I don't know what i'd of done.
I did join therapy. All of it was just to much. That helped also. I know Alanon is for spouses and children of Alcoholics but that is a great group in just learning to let go and let God.