Well, thankyou all for your advice and encouragement. I took it all on board and did my best. Got my head bitten off again by my 'father' for my efforts. Messages were short but polite between us then he said he was going offline for a few days so I said no problem let me know when you're back. And then he goes off at me for being disrespectful and not writing him while he's offline. WTF? Then when I explained I've just been patiently waiting for him he gives me a verbal vomit of what a terrible person I am and no one's buying my crap and if I would just admit my bad behaviour he'd be the loving dad I want. Add to that he won't come and see me because I haven't been nice enough to him (bear in mind, in my 30 years of life he has never come and seen me, and I've been all but begging him for the 3 years since I found him. Heck, I have begged. And been to his country twice to see him).

I've had it. No more throwing good energy after his negative energy. He's a spoilt 3 year old brat having a constant tantrum and yes I'm venting. Three solid years of misery from that man who has the hide to call himself 'dad'. I am so heartbroken to be rejected again and again and again by the one person who 'should' want me. To have my heart ripped out by he who should care for and protect his daughter's heart.

Short of divine intervention, I will never interact with him again as long as I live. I will no longer be a pawn to be manipulated in his stupid little game. In four weeks time, God willing, I will be announcing the joyous news that hubby and I are pregnant with our first. I am so excited for our little family. And I will protect this child from the likes of him with everything I've got.

Mad, at myself for bothering with him. Mad, at myself, for trying. Mad, at myself, for wasting three years of love on that selfish ogre.

Good luck with your respective estranged children. I hope it works out better for you than it did for me.