Hi there Norske1,
First of all, glad he is communicating, but not so sure I would ask anything of him just yet. Do you know why DIL doesn't want her own mother in her life? There may be underlying fear and hurts that you know nothing of and your ES may be testing the waters-if that makes sense? I can't tell you what to do, but I can offer my friendship and love and prayers my friend!! My birthday is Saturday and it's been a year since I've heard from the youngest. She called me on my last bday and spoke to me like we saw each other the day before-it became apparent when I didn't interrupt her talking and talking and it came out that she had a fight with her sister (who was in Paris at the time on vacation) and she was upset and didn't have anyone else to talk to for the moment, I guess. Anyway, I am NOT anticipating any calls or contact from either of them for this birthday. Part of their issues are they expect ME to be the one to pick up the phone or make the first move and unfortunately, they are depriving themselves of a wonderful relationship with their mother. I am going away with my DH for the weekend and I am going to have a wonderful birthday!! In any event, I would see how a visit goes and do lots more talking and give it time. They broke your heart and trust and all that emotional heartbreak takes time to heal and trust again. Hugs my friend.

Thank you texasunshine. There are different opinions of the birth mom/daughter. My DIL says she was an alcoholic and locked her in the closet to go out drinking so as a teenager she chose to go live with her dad and step mom.

Birth mom's story is that this woman who knew her husband from work seduced him away so he divorced birth mom and left. My DIL was 2 or 3 at the time. Birth mom has worked hard at getting her life together, earning a PhD in Science, works for non-profits and goes to church (my DIL said her mom didn't take her to church). Birth mom said she always took her ED to church. Also there were discipline problems when ED was a teen and ED wanted to go on camping trips instead of doing her homework, etc.

Birth mom did admit to me that she drank for a short time after her husband left them. I believe my DIL (her ED) has NPD.

So I think I will stay away from any interaction with birth mom and will not discuss it with my DIL. I did tell my ES that I hoped someday DIL would reconnect with her birth mom because I know she loves her. He said "maybe".

Dear Norske, I agree with Texas. Take it one step at a time. Agreeing to un-friend your DIL's mom doesn't appear to be a problem for you and I wonder how your DIL knew that she was a friend on your FB. But that doesn't matter a reconnection is difficult enough without looking for more problems. The Lord has led you and your ES this far. As for your ES not wanting to visit without his wife, I think that he probably is as nervous and as apprehensive of this meeting as you and your DH are. I'd cut him some slack and wait until his whole family can visit. I'll keep praying for you and your family. Blessings.

Go slowly and tread lightly. Don't make any requests until you are on firmer ground with them. This get together should be cordial and will probably be a bit uncomfortable for all. However, he is willing to do these things so the door is open. Just don't do anything or ask anything of him so soon. Do as he asked and although you want to be named as his mother, wait until the time is right which won't be for a while. Go gently and be kind to all 3 of them but don't gush over them or do anything unusual. Just talk generally about life but nothing in particular so soon. I know you are anxious to get things accomplished and fixed but if you go too far on the first visit, it may ruin everything for you. Just be happy that the door is open and be careful, not uncomfortably so but please don't ask anything or any questions of them.

Don't worry about what your status is on others' FB!! Social media is all about portraying a certain image to onlookers, so don't buy into that. I certainly wouldn't waste one iota of time or energy on how you appear on your son or DIL's FB.

Deal in reality and facts. I don't know that it's your place to get involved in DIL and birth mother's relationship. That is between them and my guess is there are a lot of factors that you may not be aware of.

Having an estranged child is stress enough in itself, so cut yourself plenty of slack and don't sweat any of this other stuff that is not your deal.

Hang in there!!

Thank you everyone = I so value your advice. Pray for me and DH if our ES and his family do decide to drive up to visit us on Saturday.

Norske, I am so thankful that your ES is communicating. PTL. I would have a lovely and peaceful visit with ES and whoever he brings. I would not ask anything of him or DIL at this time.

Keep us posted on the plans. We will pray and look forward to hearing what God will do.

Baby steps Norske..The first thing my ES did after joining FB was to block me, his own mother. I would be grateful just for the opportunity. I hope it works out well for you.

I hope you have a good visit,and wouldnt it makeyour heart feel good i will pray for you,and you find peace.

Norske..as others have said here, I would tread lightly on the facebook pages. It's enough for you to work on your relationship with your ES right now. It does mean having to relate to your daughter in law also, but I think that your ES is being a bit pushy telling you who to block on your facebook account. I personally don't even go there, as I just find it causes me more grief. Hope you are able to work it out. Pray and ask God for wisdom...that's what I would do.

I'm hoping that the birth of our second grandson in December this year will help my ES to seriously reconnect with us, however, I'm not holding on to much hope this will happen, since we weren't really told until they told everyone else...if we get a call on the day the baby comes, it will be a small miracle.

Praying that God will give you the words to say to your ES, and that He gives you the love and His grace to help you rebuild that relationship first. It's already an answer to your prayers that your ES is communicating with you again though your relationship is still quite fragile.

((hugs))
Maddie

Norske, from my own experience with NPD in my own family, most NPD also have control issues...this "could" be why your ES doesn't feel comfortable coming without the DIL with NPD. She would most likely not let him come without her lest you get "control" of him away from her. With NPD's is about insecurity, as also with control freaks, anything and anyone they can't control sends them into extreme anxiety. If this is really what you are dealing with, then everyone correct here in advising you to take baby "non-threatening" steps here with both of them. Especially would not ask anything of them, as this will be a red flag to DIL that you are attempting to "control" them.

NPD and control freak DIL's are extremely hard to deal with! You can have the best most loving intentions in the world and somehow offend them...been there..... been there....oh way too many times myself! Never did learn to get it right...obviously!! But mostly I got it wrong because then I did not know what I was dealing with and always managed to step in it no matter what I did to get along. Since then have read several books on the subject and now know at least enough to recognize a NPD and somewhat how to "try" to not send them into an "anxiety" attack.

They have to be "worshiped and adored" ....that is hard for a Christian to do to someone else as well...if I ever get the chance again, I am going to error on the side of loving them to death versus "worshipping" them....I'll let you know how that works out, Lord willing!

May God be with you during this visit Norske and may He enable you to truly love your DIL in ways that she sees Jesus in you!!

lostall3 - thank you so much for your post and great advice. My DIL's birth mom said she has read about NPD and does believe her daughter suffers from it. And my ES does all kinds of things to show her he worships her. I will indeed tread lightly.

So far haven't heard from them if they are coming or not. I will be patent. My world is more wrapped around my DH now who is suffering from cancer.

I am so glad for you that your son is reaching out. Like others have said, I wouldn't get involved in the problems between your DIL and her mother. The message you recently got from DIL's mother was really quite inappropriate, and if she is prone to lashing out like that then your DIL may have very good reason for excluding her from her life. Her birth mother sounds like a major issue for your DIL, and could wreck your chances of reconciliation with your son if you go there, so just concentrate on your relationship with your family, you owe DIL's mother nothing. A good man's loyalty is first to his wife, and your son is being a good husband to your DIL. If your son, and especially your DIL feel that you are on their side then you should end up with a good outcome. Be friendly and welcoming but in a low key way, ask for nothing at this stage. Best of luck :)