CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Last week, my ES called & was FULL of apologies & remorse. I knew something was up. His girlfriend left him again (for the 3rd time) & moved to Arizona. After talking for about 5 minutes, he said "mom, I need to move home". There it is, the catch. I told him NO, he was not moving home. Here's why:
My dad died on Valentines Day of this year. My ES came home for the funeral & showed NO respect at all. He stayed with us only because his kind hearted younger brother begged us. On the morning of my dad's funeral, my son broke into my car & stole my iPod. Then at the funeral, he walked out twice to go have a smoke. He & my youngest went to Walmart that afternoon. A little voice in my head said "Go look in his bag", so I did, & there was my iPod. When he got back, I confronted him & all he could say was "you invaded my privacy by looking in my stuff". That wasn't the only thing he stole. He got a bit aggressive & pulled a knife out of his pocket & kept opening & shutting it. I was SO afraid, I told him he needed to leave ASAP. I locked my bedroom doors & shoved chairs under the knobs so he couldn't break in. I was afraid my own son would sneak in & kill me in my sleep. Needless to say, that destroyed any little bit of trust I had in him....gone. He left the next morning, & I have never felt so relieved in my life. I was even scared he would hurt my youngest out of revenge.
After I told him he was not going to move home, the abusive, verbal attacks came back. He again blamed me for the state of his life. He told me I would never see his face again, & insinuated he would kill himself.. He has done that to me SO many times, trying to play on my emotions. I have been struggling with this ever since. He is 29, & I told him he needs to grow up & act like a man. He said "sure, mom, I will try to pull myself up living behind a dumpster" More guilt. This may sound harsh, but I wish he would just leave us alone. I pray for him daily, but believe if someone isn't open to God & ask for help, they're on their own. My psychiatrist told me I absolutely did the right thing, it is just so hard. Now I am dealing with my youngest going into rehab for his alcohol problem. I AM thankful that he finally realizes he has a problem. How am I supposed to NOT believe I failed as a mother? :-(
My dad died on Valentines Day of this year. My ES came home for the funeral & showed NO respect at all. He stayed with us only because his kind hearted younger brother begged us. On the morning of my dad's funeral, my son broke into my car & stole my iPod. Then at the funeral, he walked out twice to go have a smoke. He & my youngest went to Walmart that afternoon. A little voice in my head said "Go look in his bag", so I did, & there was my iPod. When he got back, I confronted him & all he could say was "you invaded my privacy by looking in my stuff". That wasn't the only thing he stole. He got a bit aggressive & pulled a knife out of his pocket & kept opening & shutting it. I was SO afraid, I told him he needed to leave ASAP. I locked my bedroom doors & shoved chairs under the knobs so he couldn't break in. I was afraid my own son would sneak in & kill me in my sleep. Needless to say, that destroyed any little bit of trust I had in him....gone. He left the next morning, & I have never felt so relieved in my life. I was even scared he would hurt my youngest out of revenge.
After I told him he was not going to move home, the abusive, verbal attacks came back. He again blamed me for the state of his life. He told me I would never see his face again, & insinuated he would kill himself.. He has done that to me SO many times, trying to play on my emotions. I have been struggling with this ever since. He is 29, & I told him he needs to grow up & act like a man. He said "sure, mom, I will try to pull myself up living behind a dumpster" More guilt. This may sound harsh, but I wish he would just leave us alone. I pray for him daily, but believe if someone isn't open to God & ask for help, they're on their own. My psychiatrist told me I absolutely did the right thing, it is just so hard. Now I am dealing with my youngest going into rehab for his alcohol problem. I AM thankful that he finally realizes he has a problem. How am I supposed to NOT believe I failed as a mother? :-(
Adults are responsible for their own actions.
Be sure to take care of yourself during this incredibly stressful time. Try to eat well and exercise and do some things that you enjoy- even if you have to make yourself. Life does go on.
Hang in there.
hugs.
Soon things started missing from our home & we started getting strange phone calls for him, etc. I quickly told my mom he wasn't allowed over, anymore, unless me AND hubby were home, too, because we didn't trust him. She got mad, moved out and talked trash about us. The whole family was mad at us, like we were the bad guys, which is funny because they sure didn't help her out!
My daughter was a teenager at that time and I didn't want her around that type of environment. My mom and her became very close while she lived with us. It hurt my daughter when she left because she felt she chose my druggie brother over her own grand daughter.
Point is: tough love is very hard to do but is essential, whether it's a child, parent, friend, brother, or sister. We had to protect ourselves and our property. It was difficult to do, but to this day we know we did the right thing. No regrets.
I do agree that it is spiritual warfare. Stand your ground. It's hard now but you'll be proud of yourself later because you'll know you did the right thing. My mom never learned to do that and it is still costing her til this day.