CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I found this group a few weeks ago and it has been so helpful for me to read all of your topics and comments. Initially I ask you all if taking some time off from engaging our 3rd basically EC was prudent. After consideration and prayer we asked him to give us a month without communication because we were exhausted from all of the confrontation. It has been nearly a month now and he has left us alone. The other day I realized that I was waking up for several days not having had nightmares all night over this situation. That was a small miracle in itself. I am able to read the Bible without just staring at the pages. I started exercising again. I went to the mall. Obviously I realize how much this situation has paralyzed me for months now. I am still way too upset by it all on an hourly basis. Now I am anticipating the end of "my" month and dread is starting to come back. Just today, all day, his photos are coming over fb with content upsetting to us. I have just a few days before I will probably hear from this ES again. I know I should be grateful if he does contact us but unless the conversation is only a minute or two he will start badgering me again. I guess this sounds like the opposite of estrangement. But it is basically communication only on our ECs terms, always. With this ES it is when he wants something. Maybe this sounds like better than nothing, maybe it is, but it has been causing me paralyzing stress for the past 8 months. I dread things going back to the way they were when he would just pop into my world whenever he decided he needed to put me in my place. I know asking for more time would probably make this estrangement more solidified and I know that could be a regret in the future. But, I feel like I am just barely becoming human again. I'm not even sure right now what question to ask for helpful suggestions! Help!
I guess I would tell him that during this month you realized how unhealthy his actions were, both for you and him, and that going forward, unless he treats you with love and respect, to not contact you. There will be no more handouts other than love.
To permit your ES to be abusive to you, again, would only set you back. You could let your ES know that you love him but you will not accept any more bad treatment and disrespect. You could let him know that once he can show respect to you that you would welcome him into your life. Please do not feel guilty about wanting honor from your ES. It is God's way. You are doing it God's way. God bless you.
You asked whether or not your asking your ES to give you a break from commutating was prudent and I'm glad that others have given you some very worthy advice to take into consideration. I can only add that I could have written your letter a year ago because after having subjected ourselves to the very same type of circumstances that we had when we conversed with our ES (our DIL really THROUGH our son) it was to correct us, admonish us or to, in some manner or form, leave us more discouraged, devastated and stressed out for days and days following a conversation that usually produced nothing in changes in their attitudes about us.
Eventually, we got to the point that we too had to do something to stop the constant nitpicking over things that were only widening the gap instead of narrowing it. I too had the same fears that you have about whether or not no communication ever again was worth the "boundary" that we felt we needed to set. Since nothing we said during the past 7 years taken seriously enough to produce one iota of change of heart ever we came to the conclusion that setting a "reasonable" boundary was absolutely necessary for us.
With that I email our son and told him that if he wished to communicate with us, it would no longer be by phone. (Previously, he had told us he would never email again and that phone would be the only way he would talk to us.) We told him that if he wanted to talk by phone, he had to email us and tell us what it was that he wanted to discuss with us first. Then, if we thought it was going to produce something of value or is there was some legitimate NEED that he had or if it was something important that he felt we needed to know (like health or stuff like that) then we would let him call.
Six months went by and we did not hear a word except we did get a Christmas card from him for the first time in a long, long time. I emailed back and wished him and his family a blessed Christmas.
On April 12, it was my DH's birthday. I got an email from my son that basically said he wanted to talk to his dad and wanted to know if he was at home or at the camp plowing snow. He was at the camp. I was reluctant to tell him where he was because my DH and I agreed that neither of us would talk on the phone with him unless we were both present and had it on speaker phone so that we would always know firsthand what was being said so that there would be no misunderstandings - which had been happening. Since it was his birthday, I told him where he was and promptly called my DH to remind him not to discuss anything of the situation at all since I could not be present. He agreed.
After my son called, he called to tell me what they had talked about. H said they just talked about things that were going on in their lives. They were having difficulties as he had been laid off from his job several months earlier and had taken a job that paid less than half of what he had earned. DIL had gone back to teaching and that they were struggling.
I immediately email our ES and told him that we were here if he needed us and that I knew he was doing the best he could to take responsibility for his family that is very important to him. I told him we were proud of him for that.
My DH also sent him a note saying about the same thing. When he received the note, he called to thank us immediately and to say that it meant a LOT to him. He really meant it. I could tell he was sincere.
Then about a week ago, we got a call telling us that he got a government job that paid more than what he had earned at his new job and that they were so impressed with his resume that they thought he would be good in other areas, like Homeland Security, in the future. He was happy and excited to tell us the good news and that it meant a lot to THEM to have our support.
Up until now I have not talked about this but your post was so close to what was going on with us that I felt compelled to share it with you. Our basic thoughts for the past year was to set "reasonable" boundaries that did not turn into "barriers to progress." We did not want to shut the door completely no matter what he/they did or said. From day one, we have tried to, and been willing to work this out at any time their hearts and minds were softened. As Christians, I feel as though that is essential to following God's will for all relationships.
Hope this had helped you a bit.
God Bless,
PTL for what you shared. God is working. This is wonderful progress. We will continue to pray.
In any event, I pray for you that this will be the beginning of a strong relationship between you and your DH, the loving parents, and your son and DIL, the adult children.
I think I have an idea now of how to go forward now. We need to keep things close to the way they have been for the last month with allowances for communication upon seeing changed hearts and sincerity. I did tell him that he could call if there were an emergency and that we would also want to know if he had any kind of serious medical issue. DH and I will have to brainstorm over specific boundaries. Calling vs. emailing etc. I turned my cell phone off 3 weeks ago. His texts were driving me crazy. Ping, ping, ping! It literally made my heart sink every time. I have the luxury of not needing a cell phone for the time being so I'm going to keep it off. We have a landline and email.
I think that judging sincerity is going to be the most difficult. This ES is very charming when he wants to be (when he wants something, which is most of the time) and also very manipulative. But being his mother I can often see through that. We'll see what happens. I'm still processing all of this and will probably read all of your comments several times!
How were things before your son and DIL were married? That is where we are at. I feel like we are looking at the rest of our lives having one more child (the DIL) who resents us due to misunderstanding. I never in a million years imagined that the teens we saved from an orphanage would end up resenting us and that they would add even more kids (their spouses) to the family who would be the same. DH and I would really like to join an Evangelical Christian monastery (if there was one!) somewhere and check out of this scenario!