Maria, Your post is so heartbreaking to me because I, am many other mothers too, can identify with those really, really difficult teenage years. The teenage years of our kids is so totally different than when we were teenagers during the time that Bill Haley and the Comets were just getting Rock n' Roll off the ground in the early 50's when I was in high school. Yes, there were drugs, and yes, there were the drinking parties that went on and yes, there were even whispers of abortions - but they were always "the bad kids" as they were referred to. For the most part, "making out" was just that - making out. Gossip revolved around who was the best "kisser" not around how many boys you had sex with.

Not so of yours and my kids generation. My son was not an angel either. He was never into abuse of either drugs or alcohol but at around 17 - 18 he was more belligerent than anything else. I know he "dabbled" in those things a few times but it was not that that we were concerned about. It was the defiance of his wanting to come and go when he wanted to and as often as he wanted to. Like you, I have to confess that I did not handle it as well as I should have. It got to the point that I wanted him out and that was that and then I told him so. I went off to our camp alone for the weekend and expected him to be gone when I got back.

Much to my dismay, I looked out the window of the camp and saw my DH and son coming up the path. I was stunned. My son and DH had talked on the phone while I was gone and my son told him what I had said. My DH came in the camp and simply said; "I'm not kicking my son out." I was furious because I had felt so betrayed. To make a long story short, I gave in and we agreed to work things out. Our relationship had improved greatly and I truly missed him when he moved out on his own for a good job hundreds of miles away at age 25.

Our relationship had improved by the age of 21 that he really wanted to move in with some "friends" and be independent. We let him go with love and he came home on a regular basis for suppers. He called and we talked. He knew we were there if he needed us.

Believe me, I do not say ANY of this to even IMPLY that this is what you should have done. My circumstances were different than yours. I don't know if I could have handled your son any differently because of the things he was, and is into, so I certainly cannot make any judgments about whether or not your tough love backfired or not. I truly believed at 17-18 that my son needed some tough love too. Our situation worked out fine in the end but who knows what would have happened if my DH and not gone against my wishes. You had a counselor that advised you that it was necessary. You made a decision based on what you thought was right at the time. You can't live in the past and beat yourself up constantly with the woulda, shoulda, coulda's! It serves no good purpose. There are times when I look back on other things, especially with my mom, that I do regret not doing more for her than I did. I have so many regrets but I know I cannot go back and change them. I made decisions at the time that I thought was in our family's best interest and neglected to spend more time with my mom when I could have altered my plans instead.

Because I know that I was not the best daughter my mom deserved, all I can do now is ask God to forgive me for not being a better daughter. I can't talk to my mom and ask her to forgive me nor am I suggesting in ANY way that you ask your son for forgiveness. You let your own conscience be your guide. I mentioned my experience with my son because of how difficult teenagers today and how hard it is to deal with them even as a Christian parent. However, if you DO feel as though you made a mistake then discuss it with him. He may even agree with you that you made the right decision! Who knows!

Maria, ToughLove did not backfire. I've ranted and raved, yelled, but made sure I never called them derogatory names. Now both of them have called me some very horrid names and I booted them out after awhile. But, as time went on, my booting out was more like, "this is not working for me, your going to have to find another home to live in." Plain and simple. Rather than yelling.

My ED is an ED because of taking back a car I cosigned and her breaking the contract we made regarding the car. But I still know and still hang onto the fact that she has a responsibility to me to apologize or at least realize that calling her Mother the most derogatory names and show such high disrespect that I had to tell her to get out as well. She went towards my younger sister to hide under her distorted wings.

So even though I miss her, something in me says, "I did something really good for her and she decided to turn it around on me." I have to hold onto that because many will make it look like YOU did something wrong. That reminder to myself has held me in a place of knowing that I was and am a Good Mom.

If she does not want to respect that and be with other people who have undermined my parenting, so be it. They can give her money when she needs it. They can hear all her gossip and problems. I don't miss all that as I helped so much that I was just way too spent emotionally.

If our kids THINK that being with other people who have not went to the battlefields with their behaviors they portrayed in the home and EC feels that they have been redeemed, they have a rude awakening coming to them someday. Let them party, let them have no direction, and just wait. If he's not careful he may end up looking at steel decor.

I was and am a big advocate of Tough Love. God does Tough Love with us all the time because we just don't listen. We want to do it our way! Then God gently comes to us and guides us into truth when we are on the side of the road, bleeding from our choices.

Don't beat yourself up! Our kids need to learn how to respect the first people who gave them what they needed to become a healthy young adult.

The only thing I do with my ED. Is nothing. I had a brief email the other day and she did put in, Love You, ____. This is my ED who sent a response after I thanked her for getting in touch with her brother who is in jail. She said she wanted to let him know she loves him and is praying for him. But for over 3 years she would never answer her phone when he called or seen him. I wanted to tell her, if you Love someone you usually keep in touch. But I really got to see how her perception of Love is extremely ignorant.

Someday they will get it. Hang in there, and pray that you do not become jealous or envious of the other family. It will make you sick. But at least Thank God he is at least in one place, with a roof over his head.

My hat is off to you for teaching him boundaries!

Pearl

Maria, I don't think your tough love backfired. You need to set boundaries for you and your family. You have to protect yourself from the negative choices other people make. Yes, maybe yelling wasn't too good. But how many of us have never yelled at our children? I don't think you'll find anybody who hasn't yelled at them occasionally.

Many years ago, when tough love was just becoming a common phrase, I attended a meeting for tough love. The mother who spoke talked about her drinking, drugging child. She kicked him out. She saw him a few times living on the street. But she said that she had to kick him out to protect herself and her other child. I asked what age was the son she kicked out...I was surprised at her answer...the boy she kicked out was only 15 years old. And this mother did not back down from her decision, and she did not take him back, ever. She had to set boundaries, even though it was tough.

I'm sorry your child is living with a family that is promoting a bad lifestyle. But remember that your EC made these choices. Yes, it hurts thinking that s/he may have some "feelings" for this other family. But hopefully when your EC grows up s/he will realize that these 'feelings" are not love for the people, but love for the bad lifestyle.

My heart breaks for you. I'll be praying for your peace.

Thanks everyone for your support. Its not easy doing tough love, but though I love my EC, I do not and will not every love drug/alcohol use and disrespect. My EC is not living with that family, but is in college although continuting the party lifestyle there and also continues to have relationship with that family and those friends. I'm praying that God will sever these bad influences and lead my EC in the right direction. From hearing from all of you, I've concluded that loving someone sometimes means that we have to put our foot down because we care about them and we know as Christians that it is our parental duty to stand up against sin.

Well who among us hasnt at times yelled? We are dealing with unbelievably difficult personalities and we get tired, frustrated, terrified.....We are not perfect. I once told my EC who was rambling about what a terrible parent I was...etc etc. blah blah......"at least i care".

Funny how God sometimes reminds us why we had to do what we did, even if we didn't do it perfectly. After I sent this post, I got a call from a friend whose daughter is now beginning to do the things my EC did. I could only tell her that she needs to set boundaries and decide if she could live with her daughter's drug/alcohol use and disrepect after she turns 18. It kinda was like hearing myself talk to myself and my answer was the same as it was when I asked my EC to move out 3 yrs ago - NO. I can't live with those kinds of behaviors even though I love my EC. I cannot enable and I deserve respect.

MariaStevie, thank you for saying, "as Christians it is our parental duty to stand up against sin". I needed that reminder right now.

Maria S. - I give you credit for knowing that you handled it poorly. When my EC pushed me to the limit I know I blew it big time too. I regret that I was not able to handle it the way Jesus would have wanted me to do as a parent either. I have apologized for the times that I did not exercise self-control and asked Jesus to forgive me for it. I know Jesus has forgiven me for my failures in parenting and I pray that some day my EC will know the power of being forgiven and will forgive as He will be forgiven.

In His arms,
CM

CarolinaMoon, Maria and others: I'm joining that guilty group of yellers. I don't know where I got that from because I don't remember much of that coming from my parents at home. I'd like to blame it on menopause, but I know I knew better every time I went on a screaming rampage. I didn't use name calling and never physical abuse, but it was hurtful and wrong for me to "indulge" that way and I'm not sure I deserve forgiveness from my ED. Still trying to accept it from the Forgiver.