CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
This one is for PrayinginNY who liked my post on PEACE. I too though this article was dead on. It opened my eyes up to what estrangement really is - emotional abuse.
A post from Signs of Unhealthy Family or Other Relationships:
The first step, obviously, is realizing that there’s something unhealthy about the relationship, then to pin down what that “something” is. This can be harder than it sounds. Sometimes, all you can really tell on the surface is that you’re unhappy or unsatisfied with a relationship and that you want it to change, and this may or may not mean that the relationship is unhealthy. You may just rub each other the wrong way.
Try to look at the situation and relationship from a realistic and objective point of view, because your own point of view is bound to be inaccurate. What about this relationship is making you unhappy, and what is unhealthy about it? Beyond mere differences in opinion and personality, is this person a regular source of stress and conflict in your life? Why?
Some red flag behaviors and conditions (how you know the relationship is unhealthy):
•Conditional affection, or affection as a means of control and manipulation – if someone withholds their love and affection when you don’t do or say what they want, this is a bad thing. It’s also bad if you’re doing it to someone else. It’s one thing to get upset because your brother won’t loan you $100, but it’s another to stop speaking to him until he does. And your family is allowed to get upset with your actions, but they shouldn’t withdraw from you whenever they dislike what you do if your choices aren’t hurting them.
•Inability to tolerate disagreement or difference of opinion – you have to be able to be your own person in a relationship with someone, not just be a mirror. You shouldn’t have to agree with everything somene else sayd and like everything someone else does in order to keep the peace and make them happy. We’re all individuals, and should be treated that way.
•Lack of reciprocation (all take and no give) – relationships are two-way streets, or at least they should be. If someone is requiring you to always be there for them, but can’t ever bother to be there when you need something, then you’re being used. No one should ever expect more from you than they’re willing to give in return; otherwise, resentment sets in.
•The word “no” is unacceptable – while it sounds nice in theory, being everything to someone is exhausting. No one can meet all of someone else’s needs, and if someone is expecting you to, you’re both going to be unhappy. You have to be willing to draw the line when it comes to being important to someone, and you have to get past the guilt you’ll likely feel when they say they need you. You should be able to say “no” once in a while without it putting a strain on the relationship. This kind of relationship is very like the one I mentioned before, where there is a lack of reciprocation, because most likely, if someone wants you to meet all of their needs, they aren’t going to be meeting any of yours.
•Excessive guilt-trips, or using guilt to manipulate – manipulation of any kind is a red flag in a relationship, because relationships are supposed to be about mutual affection and trust. They’re not supposed to be about control, and if someone is trying to control your behavior by making you feel like crap whenever you don’t do what they want, that’s not right.
Beyond recognizing that the relationship is unhealthy, and what’s unhealthy about it, you need to figure out what other people are playing a part. Is it just you and the other person, or are there other family members or individuals who contribute to the situation? What part do they play? Do they enable and encourage what’s going on? Are they an audience for you? What part do you play?
What other situations can you think of that you should watch out for? What situations have you experienced, and how did you deal with them
A post from Signs of Unhealthy Family or Other Relationships:
The first step, obviously, is realizing that there’s something unhealthy about the relationship, then to pin down what that “something” is. This can be harder than it sounds. Sometimes, all you can really tell on the surface is that you’re unhappy or unsatisfied with a relationship and that you want it to change, and this may or may not mean that the relationship is unhealthy. You may just rub each other the wrong way.
Try to look at the situation and relationship from a realistic and objective point of view, because your own point of view is bound to be inaccurate. What about this relationship is making you unhappy, and what is unhealthy about it? Beyond mere differences in opinion and personality, is this person a regular source of stress and conflict in your life? Why?
Some red flag behaviors and conditions (how you know the relationship is unhealthy):
•Conditional affection, or affection as a means of control and manipulation – if someone withholds their love and affection when you don’t do or say what they want, this is a bad thing. It’s also bad if you’re doing it to someone else. It’s one thing to get upset because your brother won’t loan you $100, but it’s another to stop speaking to him until he does. And your family is allowed to get upset with your actions, but they shouldn’t withdraw from you whenever they dislike what you do if your choices aren’t hurting them.
•Inability to tolerate disagreement or difference of opinion – you have to be able to be your own person in a relationship with someone, not just be a mirror. You shouldn’t have to agree with everything somene else sayd and like everything someone else does in order to keep the peace and make them happy. We’re all individuals, and should be treated that way.
•Lack of reciprocation (all take and no give) – relationships are two-way streets, or at least they should be. If someone is requiring you to always be there for them, but can’t ever bother to be there when you need something, then you’re being used. No one should ever expect more from you than they’re willing to give in return; otherwise, resentment sets in.
•The word “no” is unacceptable – while it sounds nice in theory, being everything to someone is exhausting. No one can meet all of someone else’s needs, and if someone is expecting you to, you’re both going to be unhappy. You have to be willing to draw the line when it comes to being important to someone, and you have to get past the guilt you’ll likely feel when they say they need you. You should be able to say “no” once in a while without it putting a strain on the relationship. This kind of relationship is very like the one I mentioned before, where there is a lack of reciprocation, because most likely, if someone wants you to meet all of their needs, they aren’t going to be meeting any of yours.
•Excessive guilt-trips, or using guilt to manipulate – manipulation of any kind is a red flag in a relationship, because relationships are supposed to be about mutual affection and trust. They’re not supposed to be about control, and if someone is trying to control your behavior by making you feel like crap whenever you don’t do what they want, that’s not right.
Beyond recognizing that the relationship is unhealthy, and what’s unhealthy about it, you need to figure out what other people are playing a part. Is it just you and the other person, or are there other family members or individuals who contribute to the situation? What part do they play? Do they enable and encourage what’s going on? Are they an audience for you? What part do you play?
What other situations can you think of that you should watch out for? What situations have you experienced, and how did you deal with them
This is what my kids did to us all the time.... Not anymore, I won't allow it to happen again......
Thanking God I can see the truth in our relationship.....
Control is not necessarily bad. There is healthy control. I use to always tell my friends and ED to always have a plan B when Plan A doesn't work. What will you do if Plan A is not working? Or even B?
When I use to see my DAd I always had a plan A and B. If it got too strenous to stay with him, I had money for a hotel to stay in if I needed it.
Great question!
Maria,
This is my section in your post that I strongly felt after my ED mentioned to my family members that we were NEVER close. It hit me one day after she also stated in a letter to me long ago that we were not close.
So then it hit me! When she wanted a car, or money for clothes or whatever the monetary need was I usually accomodated her to a degree. When she estranged herself and made those statements of closeness...I FELT SO USED. All I could think of was, "my ED was using me this whole time." After I realized that, I was sad and hurt, but it was easier to let her go.
Pearl