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Christmas presents

poodlegirl61
poodlegirl61
I know this topic has been discussed before, but there may be some new perspectives on this, and also I just need to talk about it. As most of you may remember, in September my ES sent me a lengthy, hurtful email saying he did not give the birthday gifts to his son, that we had mailed to him. He said several hurtful, mean things, and he also said not to send any more gifts ever because he said it caused too much pain. He also went on to say he knows we don't really care, or we would have made an effort to try to go see them. Well you may also remember we DID try to go but the DIL told us to stay away. We then called our son to let him know what his wife had said, and he refused to respond to us at all! He also said he wanted no more contact of any kind. All of this came after he surprised us with an impromptu visit in May, where he acted all nice and loving. Then the hateful September email. Well, Christmas is just around the corner, and I was wondering if I should send presents to the children or not. I know he said no more gifts, but then I am afraid if I DON'T send anything, then that will get thrown in my face as well. You know, damned if I do, and damned if I don't? I should add, in case some of you have forgotten, that the DIL has severe mental problems and possibly a demon, and apparently our son is not mentally well either. That is the only explanation for the mean outbursts, then the kind visits, then the mean outbursts....it is like a roller coaster and when I try to gently remind my son of what was said or done, he acts like it never happened! It is very frustrating to say the least. Anyway, what are ya'lls thoughts on this? Send presents anyway, even after he said not to? Or abide by his wishes?
barbyzhere
barbyzhere
In my humble opinion, I would honour his stated wishes. We didn't send gifts last Christmas, or for all birthdays this year. Gifts are nothing if there is no love and appreciation in the acceptance. They are meaningless. If he throws that at you later, claiming you didn't send gifts because you don't care, just remind him of his statements. Tell him he can't have it both ways. You know the old expression "p...or get off the pot"? Time for him to do that. Who in the world gets to manipulate and/or control someone else like he is trying to do? Their mental state may be rocky, but that doesn't mean your life should be.
For me, it boils down to acceptance. Do I want to pleadingly give out crumbs, hoping for a change, or do I muster up as much self respect as I can, which is hard to do, and say "thanks a lot but no thanks, I don't need a superficial, volatile relationship with anyone". I have other people in my life who truly love and appreciate me. I'm saving my time, thoughts, and gifts for them.
barbyzhere
barbyzhere
P.S. Would it be unloving to tell our EC "we are planning to celebrate Christmas this year without you. You will be loved and missed, but we will have a wonderful family time together in spite of our separation. If you ever decide to get your act together, and give yourself a much needed attitude adjustment, you will be welcomed back with open arms and hearts. It's totally your choice."?
chocolatecat
chocolatecat
My initial thought was to say don't send anything if that is their wish, we'd all appreciate our wishes being respected! But then thinking about how they turned the visiting/not visiting thing on you, I thought this - send them a simple Christmas postcard (so it gets read) that just wishes them well and says if they've changed their minds about gifts for the children there are gifts for them under your tree and you'd be happy to send them. Just an alternate thought. These games they play are mind bending. Working on ideas for ours too.
lindajoan
lindajoan
Each of our estrangement situations vary but each are still very sad. It is not the way the Lord wants children to treat their parents. If children are involved it is so hard to say. They are innocent. There is no right or wrong and be led by the Lord. I think I would remember only the children with a little something not the adults. Whether the children receive them or not one day you can let them know you never stopped thinking of them.
ruthsandraschilling
ruthsandraschilling
I think all the comments are helpful. It is so difficult to know what to do with regards the Gradchildren. I think Barbyzhere 's advise was excellent. Spot on.
Sommersmom
Sommersmom
I think sending a postcard with a brief note for good wishes and letting them know there are gifts if they would like them mailed as chocolatecat suggested, is an excellent idea. If I had my ED's address, I would do the same.
They're not able to claim you didn't do anything, or try to reach out to them.

It's funny, our EC's run for the hills, and hide in the shadows, then complain that we didn't reach out to them, and we abandoned them. Has to be an illness.
poodlegirl61
poodlegirl61
I should add that the children are VERY young...2 years and 10 months. Babies, really. I am thinking a card simply saying we love them, and wish them well, and if they DO want gifts, we have them...that seems good. I have 5 grandsons...ages 3 and 6 months from my dear oldest son who I am not estranged from, and a 2 year old from my daughter, and a 2 year old from my ES (those two are only 5 weeks apart!) and a 10 month old from ES and a 6 month old from my dear son. All boys, no grand daughters yet, although I am hopeful. These boys from my ES are missing out on SO MUCH! The others are so close with us, and we do so many fun things. We just recently bought property in east Texas and have begun building a bunkhouse for the grands, and soon plan on expanding to build a grand "mess hall"cabin with more to come. It is so much fun! But because of my ES's stupid choices, and pride, and plain hatefulness, those boys of his are missing out on all of this. I know they would love it, and US! We are not mean, awful people like they portray us. We love children, and we have a heart for children. I am a full time nanny for my son's two babies, for crying out loud! I know a thing or two about kids! This is all so pointless. I will be quiet now.
bella479
bella479
It is crazy.....our approach is...we ordered each grandchild (5 of them) 2 gifts each online from two separate places that have free shipping to any place. Amazon is wonderful ! They were shipped free to both houses. I then told the EC I would send them $5 in their Christmas card for wrapping paper to wrap them for us. Or DIL said "no problem, they received them and will wrap them for us that the kids will love them". We did not hear anything from the ED. BUT if/when they ever say we did not try----bingo ---- I have the receipts to prove "we tried". LOL

Both ED and ES families will be together at ES home for Christmas. These are the ones who had the BIG fight on Christmas 2011.....fun time it as when I smashed my shoulder and watched as our ES kicked out ED family THEN kicked us out......really 'wonderful kids' we have....we stayed in hotel in the same city because I had to have 4 hrs intense shoulder surgery. NIGHTMARE
ruthsandraschilling
ruthsandraschilling
Yes our children, distance themselves yet at the same time say we never bother. I have had that said to me in the past. You can't win! I was told by my sons girlfriend that her son was nothing to do with me. They are now engaged..she is a control freak . Wanted me out of the way. Now she has managed it.