This is still fairly new to me, so I don't have a lot of advice. But, my ES is getting off shipboard soon, and all my feelings of anger and pain are coming out again. He works on an oil tanker, two months on shipboard, two months off. He chose to buy a house 1/2 a mile away from me, in MY neighborhood, and my older son lives with me, my ES's older brother lives with me, so when my ES is off shipboard, on vacation, he is just right up in my face. The night before last, I was feeling SO angry at my ES. I never had an anger management problem, until I had a disabling loss and my ES and DIL becoming estranged in the same year. So, I let myself just feel really angry for awhile. Then I told myself to focus on myself, and the people who love me and honor me. I think that is how I will have to deal with my anger and bitterness, is to let myself feel the emotion for awhile, and then direct myself back to spending my time and energy with people who love me and honor me. I know it is terribly, terribly hard. I ask God for strength to bear the anger, bitterness, and pain that estrangement of a child causes. So, I try to do self-talk that re-directs me to activities that are positive. And sort of recognize the anger, and bitterness, but not let it direct my every thought and action. It is so very hard, because what our EC do to us is so UNFAIR. It took me a long time to recognize that I have no control over my ES, I have to leave it to God, and I think I'll probably just have to re-visit that decision every time my ES gets off shipboard and comes home to his house which is half a mile away. His wife, who has much more sense than he does, did NOT want to live in my neighborhood, because she is a normal person, but my ES liked the house so much, he didn't care. Unfortunately, she lets him make all the major decisions. I think they have a very traditional marriage. Anyway, I am so very sorry you have to suffer the unbearable pain of having an estranged child. Be very good to yourself, and come here whenever you need to, for support. It is a hard, hard walk, we have to do, and it is normal and human to feel angry about that.

And I don't think you ever really " get over it. " You just learn ways to cope, and some days are worse than others. I have been in a 12 step group called Al-Anon, which is for people who have a loved one who is an alcoholic, it is an off-shoot of AA. But a lot of the 12 step programs for people with addictions teach phrases and skills that come in handy in an EC situation. 12 step programs emphasize that you have no power over the situation, and give you skills to cope, one day at a time. With the help of your " Higher Power ", which for us would be God and Jesus Christ. I strongly believe that God understands when we are angry at him, out of profound suffering and pain. Jesus has felt human pain, the pain of people betraying him, the pain of people not being there for Him, the pain of feeling alone, the pain of loss. He understands our pain, I believe.

What has helped me time and time again, to get over humps like you described, is to look to Jesus as my example in how He reacted to situations where He was mistreated and betrayed and eventually crucified - as he was mocked from the cross, He prayed, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do".

Satan does not want us to pray, he wants us to be angry and bitter and to shut down our prayer life is how the enemy of our soul keeps us from bringing those destructive emotions to the only One who truly understands what we are going though.

The only way to win against these tactics that want to rule us and bring us down is to do the exact thing we are struggling to do - pray. It's a battle we are in and even breaking through to pray feels like a battle sometimes, because it is!

Even if all we can muster up is a "Help Lord, I need you", it's keeping the lines of communication open between you and God.

It really is a snowball effect that just picks up speed as it goes along - first we find it hard to pray, then we stop praying, then we don't know what to do with our negative feelings because we are not praying, so those feelings just build up inside of us, anger, bitterness, ect, and the next thing is we loose ourselves, we stay in the house and avoid people as much as possible. Meanwhile, satan is laughing because he has stopped us, stopped us from being all we can do and be for God and His kingdom.

BUT, we can (do all things through Christ who strengthens us!") see things for what they are and get wise and say, "oh, no satan, you're are not going to rob me of my joy, shut me down, keep me in the house and avoiding people. I'm on to you! But you know what?! The Bible says, "the victory is mine, but the battle is the Lords!, it says, "Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world!", it says, "if God is for me, who can be against me!". It says, "resist the devil and he will flee.". And so, devil, I resist you, in the powerful and mighty name of Jesus you have no choice but to flee!".

AND HE WILL!!! Because he can't stand to hear the word of God! The Word of God is the most powerful weapon we have against evil - it is our sword!

I would encourage you to get alone with God and just pour your heart out to Him just as you are. He waits for us to come to him with our weaknesses, so He can make us strong!

I remember I had so much anger , hurt, and bitterness but I kept praying to the Lord to release it from me. I think if you can keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, then you can be released from the hate and bitterness.
Hebrews 12: 1-2 speaks of living by the spirit. Looking at Jesus and not your circumstances.
1. Throw off everything that hinders you i.e. hate , anger, bitterness. Release it to the Lord.
2. Ask God for help, and pray to be released. Let go of what is keeping you captive.
3. Participate in loving others as Jesus commanded.
4. Persevere - Jesus foretold of many trials, just as the countless before us have endured.
Remember we are children of God, and He has already conquered for us.

Another story was when jesus walked on water. Peter got out of the boat and stood on the water looking at Jesus. Only when Peter took his eyes off of Jesus and towards the storm, did he sink.
If we keep our eyes always fixed on Jesus we see the pain and suffering he endured for us , and the joy( heaven) set before him that helped him endure the cross.

I love the wisdom shared, here, there seems to be a theme throughout. Jesus is our example of how to come against evil and betrayal. He came against it with love and forgiveness.

He loves when we take time to spend with Him. He is always waiting for us to cry out to Him.

Many people do not say the right things to us. That is why it is wonderful to have this safe place to share. To the rest of the world we hold our head up high moving forward in His strength.

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and reminder of the truth of who God is and that His word is true. Just what I needed to hear. You are each truly a blessing to me. Hugs to all.

Glad this was uplifting to you givingup - we are here to encourage each other through this trial of estrangement. Remember that "with God all things are possible".