CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Hi all. We have been praying for wisdom for months now in regard to our ES and his gf. Our ES is notoriously desperate to marry. We've been warning him about his current gf from the moment we knew he was considering dating her. He went ahead. We pleaded with him for months to reconsider but have been silent about it for the past few months after she moved 2,000 miles to his city. Since then, he attempts to contact us and change our minds. It is a "thing" with him. He quite easily fits several of the descriptions of a narcissist that was posted in the article here yesterday.
We spoke to a pastor about all of this back in February. He made a side comment about "unless you have a lot of $$ to offer him....". I guess we are feeling desperate, or maybe it is a good option, because this thought came to mind yesterday. We are not wealthy but we sold our home a year ago and have some cash. It occurred to us that $x would be worth it to us if he did not marry her. Long story short, we are toying with the thought of offering him $$$ not to go ahead and marry her. It would be worth it to us not to be put through having to deal with her resentment for the rest of our lives and all the destruction that can bring to a family. We think that there is a 50/50 chance he would take it. That would also be telling, in that if he does take it, he'd be preferring $ to her. Not a good sign for someone considering marriage.
I know this sounds like bribery. We kind of see it as incentive and also would help him and us to know if it is worth it to him to go ahead. I haven't thought of all the repercussions that it could cause though. I'm sure there are those. We'd like to tell him the deal is off if discusses it with others, but he could never keep a secret so I don't know that would work. I can see a whole lot of people reacting in horror that we would make such an offer and then he'd just have more reasons to hate us. But truly, this is about the future and the fact that this gf already knows we've been trying to talk him out of this for so long - we had no idea it would get this far. She quit her degree and moved 2,000 miles after only meeting him twice in person. Silly us.
I already know this is a wild and crazy idea but if any of you have any inspired thoughts or have ever done or known anyone who has done similar I would be curious about the outcome and repercussions.
We spoke to a pastor about all of this back in February. He made a side comment about "unless you have a lot of $$ to offer him....". I guess we are feeling desperate, or maybe it is a good option, because this thought came to mind yesterday. We are not wealthy but we sold our home a year ago and have some cash. It occurred to us that $x would be worth it to us if he did not marry her. Long story short, we are toying with the thought of offering him $$$ not to go ahead and marry her. It would be worth it to us not to be put through having to deal with her resentment for the rest of our lives and all the destruction that can bring to a family. We think that there is a 50/50 chance he would take it. That would also be telling, in that if he does take it, he'd be preferring $ to her. Not a good sign for someone considering marriage.
I know this sounds like bribery. We kind of see it as incentive and also would help him and us to know if it is worth it to him to go ahead. I haven't thought of all the repercussions that it could cause though. I'm sure there are those. We'd like to tell him the deal is off if discusses it with others, but he could never keep a secret so I don't know that would work. I can see a whole lot of people reacting in horror that we would make such an offer and then he'd just have more reasons to hate us. But truly, this is about the future and the fact that this gf already knows we've been trying to talk him out of this for so long - we had no idea it would get this far. She quit her degree and moved 2,000 miles after only meeting him twice in person. Silly us.
I already know this is a wild and crazy idea but if any of you have any inspired thoughts or have ever done or known anyone who has done similar I would be curious about the outcome and repercussions.
-she would continue to live with him and not marry him
etc etc You couldn't even put that in some sort of legal document that would stand up in court I don't think
I think the more you try to break them up the more determined they're going to be to stay together. I'm just praying my ED and bf break up. I've heard they're getting married.
Why don't you like the gf? Is she not a Christian?
I believe that prayer is the most important thing we can do for our EC.
The attorney told us that what always happens is that these adult children go to the courthouse and get a divorce for $300, collect their inheritance and then remarry.
I can almost guarantee that if you offer your son money to break up with gf, he will say yes but then after he gets the money, he will take her back.
Please do not give up your retirement this way. Pray for God's guidance.
I don't want to put myself on the level with King Solomon, but he did use some pretty unorthodox ways to get people to think about their motivations and actions. I doubt many people would have agreed ahead of time that he should threaten to cut a baby in half. But he did and the truth came out.
We think offering $ to our ES will get him to examine his motives and if he is tempted to take the $, then he shouldn't be getting married, which he will realize. We wouldn't fault him for that and we would be happy for him to have it as our thanks for reconsidering, going through the loss, and for not putting us through having a DIL who will always resent us. On top of that, we truly both do not believe this is the "one" for him. No offense to anyone who's had their own parents say the same thing and been wrong about it. Sometimes parents do know. We'd be happy for him to make this mistake and just learn through the life lesson but we see it affecting us incredibly in the future and after 12 very difficult years raising all of ours, we just can't stomach the future looking so bad without seriously considering all of our options. We're still thinking and praying about this one.
He will resent you if you offer him money in a *deal* to drop his girlfriend. Whether he loves her or not, whether he stays with her or marries her or not, even if he is only with her for "convenience" and they eventually break up anyway, he will resent you. We must allow our children to live their own lives. And when we see them making a mistake, use great finesse, bite your tongue and hold on! I think if you want to have any chance at not being estranged from him is to get things turned around asap. I would be respectful of his choice, respectful toward the girlfriend, accepting, friendly and warm to both of them, I would act as though it is their life, not yours, and that you believe in 'to each his own' while having a good time with them when you are together or talk on phone etc.. This may be the last chance you get to turn it around. By the sound of it this will take great effort on your part at this point. I wish you the best.