CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
For me, its been difficult to be honest about what I need in relationships with others, with my EC, with family/friends. I've always kind of seen my role as making them happy. If there was a problem, I was to blame a nd I could fix it.
After the estrangement, I am beginning to see things differently. More balanced. Relationships involve two people and each is responsibie for their role in the relationship. Each person in the relationship has needs that should be heard and met if a relationship is to function in a healthy way. Likewise, each person is responsible for their behavior in the relationship and should make amends for what they have done towards causing a relationship to fail.
I've also learned that sometimes what we want out of a relationship, they other person may not be able to give or may not be willing to give. We can ask for what we want out of the relationship, but that doesn't mean we will get it. Once we know what the other person can give or is willing to give, we can make an informed decision on whether or not it is healthy for us to continue the relationship as it stands.
Sometimes, people don't want to have a relationship with us and we cannot force them to. We can only be open to the possibliity that they will want a relationship in the future. If they do want a relationship in the future, we can then define what kind of relationship we want to have with them and they can define that too. If our definitions of what we want the relationship to be match, then we can have a healthy relationship.
Recently, I spoke with a friend and let her know how I felt in my relationship with her. It took vulnerability to do it. I told her I felt rejected when she made plans only spontaneously with me and then seldom followed through. Our friendship mainly consisted of phone calls to talk about our problems - hers mainly about her bad marriage. While I enjoyed our talks and our seldom get togethers, I need more from a friendship. She was honest in stating that she can only give time on the phone and spontaneous get togethers that depend on her husband's schedule. I told her maybe we can meet halfway and I will leave the door open.
Having this information now and after thinking it over, I have decided not to purse the friendship because it really doesn't meet my needs. If I hear from this friend, I will explain that while I enjoyed our time together, I need more from the friendship than she can give.
Similarly, while I will always love my EC, he does not want to have a relationship with me. I hope and pray that someday he will, but if and when he does, I will need to be ready to define what kind of relationship I want to have with him and he will have to define what kind of relationship he wants to have with me.
After the estrangement, I am beginning to see things differently. More balanced. Relationships involve two people and each is responsibie for their role in the relationship. Each person in the relationship has needs that should be heard and met if a relationship is to function in a healthy way. Likewise, each person is responsible for their behavior in the relationship and should make amends for what they have done towards causing a relationship to fail.
I've also learned that sometimes what we want out of a relationship, they other person may not be able to give or may not be willing to give. We can ask for what we want out of the relationship, but that doesn't mean we will get it. Once we know what the other person can give or is willing to give, we can make an informed decision on whether or not it is healthy for us to continue the relationship as it stands.
Sometimes, people don't want to have a relationship with us and we cannot force them to. We can only be open to the possibliity that they will want a relationship in the future. If they do want a relationship in the future, we can then define what kind of relationship we want to have with them and they can define that too. If our definitions of what we want the relationship to be match, then we can have a healthy relationship.
Recently, I spoke with a friend and let her know how I felt in my relationship with her. It took vulnerability to do it. I told her I felt rejected when she made plans only spontaneously with me and then seldom followed through. Our friendship mainly consisted of phone calls to talk about our problems - hers mainly about her bad marriage. While I enjoyed our talks and our seldom get togethers, I need more from a friendship. She was honest in stating that she can only give time on the phone and spontaneous get togethers that depend on her husband's schedule. I told her maybe we can meet halfway and I will leave the door open.
Having this information now and after thinking it over, I have decided not to purse the friendship because it really doesn't meet my needs. If I hear from this friend, I will explain that while I enjoyed our time together, I need more from the friendship than she can give.
Similarly, while I will always love my EC, he does not want to have a relationship with me. I hope and pray that someday he will, but if and when he does, I will need to be ready to define what kind of relationship I want to have with him and he will have to define what kind of relationship he wants to have with me.
You are so right about it taking 2 sides cooperating to have a health relationship. Most of my life for as long as I can remember, I had to fix everything. When my brother passed away, he laid a terrible guilt trip on me. I had extensive psychiatric counseling. And, after a couple of weeks my doctor assured me that I was ok and able to handle things. I had to realize that I was a true enabler because I would take on all the responsibility in a relationship. So now I am much healthier and all of my relationships are healthier. Good for you to realize that and make your needs known to a friend. We all have choices about how we act and what we want in a relationship. That empowers us so much and you aren't just a rug for everyone to step on. I am so much happier even though I think my son thought I would do this again. However, I have stopped calling him and giving him the power to reject me. He will now have to come to me. I miss him and the grandchildren with such heartbreak. But, I'm not willing to keep giving away my soul to accomodate others. I have needs and as you said, if my ES ever decides he wants a relationship, there definitely will be many changes. I can't even begin to tell you how much he used both myself and my husband over the years especially this past year. It is getting better on most days then I remember God is in control and I am not allowing my ES to feel empowered. He even stole all of my jewelry last summer when he was to come and feed our cat. I never filed charges but I think that I should have. It wasn't the value of the material things but the fact that he could just come in and do that. Yes, I am tired of trying to please people and do make my needs known. My husband and I have a much better relationship now as well. Hold firm. God is with you
Christmas is a special time of year for me because it is the year Jesus was born to give us the gift of salvation. I pray that one of Christmases our EC's will accept that gift.
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