You should text your son back saying that if his Dad is not welcome then the invitation to you is meaningless.
You both are his parents and he has to respect that you both are a unit who together have brought him into this world. So let him know that both of you are happy for him and respect his choice at the same time, you have a choice too and you feel equally unhappy, hurt and insulted that he chooses to block his Dad in such a rude and disrespectful way. Tell him that no matter what he does or says you both will forever be his parents. You will both love him unconditionally but, no way will either of you accept disrespect and rejection. Cause you are a unit. If one is treated this way the other does feel the same.

Parents should always stand strong and support each other in good times and in bad and at any cost, not allow their Children to play these kinds of games and pit one against the other.

Oh my dear soverysadmom! I am so impressed with how much you have become so much stronger lately. This has to be one of the biggest challenges for you to have to stick with what is right rather than being led by you emotions. I know if it were me, my emotions would be bouncing off the walls by now. It truly is a horrible situation for you to be in - but you did not put yourself in it, your son did because of his unreasonable demands.

Have you ever asked him point blank why he doesn't want his father at the wedding? If he has no straight-forward answer, he is playing control games. Think how you would feel if he wanted his dad to come but not you. God will give you strength; he gave you and your husband love and marriage. You two are one.

Sovery, Has your ES always had a difficult relationship with his step father?

We have a similar situation having an engaged ED. I am projecting to next year but DH and I would not attend if we were not treated as honored parents before the wedding day and on the wedding day. That will be explained to our ED should she reach out during her engagement. She would also have to include all family
and extended family. She would have to come with a repentant spirit. This is God's way for our EC.

It is clear that your ES loves you. May God convict Him of love in action. When is the wedding?

Sovery, My apologies. I meant how has your ES and his father gotten along through the years?

Thanks all for your encouragement. Everything I thought was good up until around age 16. Then es became independent as a lot of teens do and he and his father began to do more arguing. Wedding is May 18 we hear but es still will not confirm date or location to me.

Manipulation with ridiculous conditions!!! The story of my relationship with my daughter to a tee - although not exactly the same situation but an example: she was mad at my sister for basically calling her out on her behavior so she tells me "You can take my son BUT he can never see Auntie" - OMG - now the tables are turned and now my sister can see my gs BUT SHE MUST ENSURE he doesn't see me....nothing but selfish manipulation - Since I am still very angry, I don't think I would even respond to him period. I would send a card and a present and let it go. Boundaries....I think that is part of my problem, I allowed my ED to treat my poorly for more years than I even realized but NO more - It is my daughters birthday this week, to tell you the truth I DONT EVEN want to send her a darn card (she never bothers to call or send me one if she is mad) BUT I will (I am going to have to really look for one today without all the nonsense sentiment because honestly I don't feel sentimental towards her right now at all. Stay Strong - hold your ground and establish boundaries....(MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE, the things I have tolerated to see my grandson are appalling and embarrassing in retrospect.) Honor they parents - to me it such be inate instead I have an ingrate!!!!

Meant it SHOULD be inate - typing too fast, sorry and good luck with your situation - PRAY that is really all we can do for them at this point and for ourselves for that matter!

Sovery

This request reeks of hatred. I agree with Ksera...by standing together and disagreeing with hatred, is important..can you express your acceptance and love in the midst of not agreeing with his choice?

Can you please extend my heartfelt sadness to your husband, as this is often where I have stood, in this place of rejection and shunning. Would we accept this if it was because of race or gender? No! Why should you agree this behaviour toward a your husband for past grievances that have not been resolved?

I understand, our ED wanted to be independent and rules free,also. Of course, she depended on us in every other way but resented parenting. She would call it control we later heard. Our children are commanded to respect their parents. Sadly, they may have to learn the hard way like the prodigal son.

caneglect - why would you want to send your ED a birthday card? STOP!!! You will get her attention more by not sending a card. Let her think about her actions.

Yes. Thank you all and hugs for what all of you are having to endure. Our stories are so similar. satan is using the same tactic on all our es it seems. We hear now from es that it was emotional abuse which I believe is a result of his gf and my stepdaughter's enabling. And we provided for him as nicely as we could and even borrowed on a credit card so he and the other children could do some things we didn't have the money for. I have sent my love and best wishes to him. But I'm not going to let him and gf and husband's other children have the delight of calling the police on my husband. He is sick and he doesn't more grief. It tears my heart out to miss it as a mother but it sounds like it's going to be trouble and that is the last thing we want more of. I know what they really want is for their father to be left all alone so they can believe they have "won." Then I'm afraid gf would cut me off from son anyway.

Of course later today, and tomorrow and the next day and on and on, I will probably be crying about it all again. But I keep telling myself to be strong and depend on God. You all will probably have to keep telling me over and over.

soverysadmom - do I understand that your husband's children have also estranged themselves from you and their father? Gosh, what is wrong with our children? How do they justify their actions? There were times I didn't get along with my mom or my mother-in-law, but would never estrange from them.

Satan is at work; but our God is greater.

We must always follow God's commands. He is giving you the strength to honor your husband. It is not always easy to follow The Lord but it He will bless you for it.