CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Sorry that it has been so long since I have been on this board.... Here are my updates.
I started a new job in July and have been working long days. The one good thing is that it takes my mind off if what is going on.
My ED is now pregnant. She never even actually told me. She told her dad and later announced it on Facebook. The situation is very strange. I don't have time to get into all of the details here right now.
The bottom line is we Skype'd on Christmas day and her dad and sister went to go see her that following week. Her dad and I bought her a crib and dresser. She thinks I am trying to buy my way into her life.
She has made so many bad choices since leaving here and I hate to say getting pregnant was just one more. She asked if I would come up when she is in the hospital but I think the offer was only so I would watch her dog and then to leave when she gets out. She is an eight hour drive away from me. I haven't quite figured out what to do. Only two months until she is due.
I apologize for not answering mail sent to me, I haven't been getting notifications about private email. I do see the notices (way too often) about new members joining the group.
Praying for an answer and that God's will be done.
Hugs to everyone,
I started a new job in July and have been working long days. The one good thing is that it takes my mind off if what is going on.
My ED is now pregnant. She never even actually told me. She told her dad and later announced it on Facebook. The situation is very strange. I don't have time to get into all of the details here right now.
The bottom line is we Skype'd on Christmas day and her dad and sister went to go see her that following week. Her dad and I bought her a crib and dresser. She thinks I am trying to buy my way into her life.
She has made so many bad choices since leaving here and I hate to say getting pregnant was just one more. She asked if I would come up when she is in the hospital but I think the offer was only so I would watch her dog and then to leave when she gets out. She is an eight hour drive away from me. I haven't quite figured out what to do. Only two months until she is due.
I apologize for not answering mail sent to me, I haven't been getting notifications about private email. I do see the notices (way too often) about new members joining the group.
Praying for an answer and that God's will be done.
Hugs to everyone,
Keep praying, ask God what would be best.
Thanks for sharing again with us. So encouraging, that there have been small steps towards your ED since Christmas..it's something. It's a small start anyway....baby steps towards reconciliation??
I have a new neighbor who has listened to absolute lies from a neighbor just before the neighbor beside me moved. The new neighbor has been very rude at times and other times just cool and indifferent when she walks by with her two adorable kids. I was always friendly and the daughter really enjoyed chatting if the mom let her.
Good to see you again
Then one day the mom comes walking down the street to my house with her two kids in tow. She had an emergency and wanted me to babysit. My DH and I went over immediately. We left after she came home and I thought we had made progress because she saw the other side. Whether we did or not remains to be seen. But, we did what we thought was right and I think it softened her a bit.
Who knows? Perhaps the same will happen if you do go. Let God be concerned what her intent is - only He can read our hearts.
When I found out my son was having a baby, I too, like you, thought it was a bad choice. (but I would never tell him) He like your daughter, didn’t tell me, he told my brother.
But, for me, I put my foot down & told my son I WANT that baby to know me,
(I also put my foot down with my Husband, he washed his hands from the get go, I told DH he can leave when I have the grandchild.)
I was being selfish, I wanted the grandchild to know me, I didn’t really care about my son or my husband,
My son respected my wishes, I won the battle with my husband. My grandchildren are now 8 & 6, and they have Grandpa wrapped around their fingers.
I still have issues with my ES, it’s not peaches & cream.
What do you want? I agree with the others, your daughter is opening the door, walk thru it, seize the moment, ignore her comments about buying love, focus on the grandchild. One day your daughter will grow up, she knows you love her. I say go to the hospital, do you remember when you had the “baby blues” when you were in the hospital? I don’t think any woman should be alone at that time. Hormones!
P.S. My son mentioned one time when he saw me with his children, “I was a different person.”.
I can’t explain the look I saw in his eyes - it was amazement, surprise, loving - I told him I was, “I was a Grandmother.”
My ES knows deep within his heart that keeping his child from all four of his original family members is not right. I did text him over six months ago..."son..we taught you right from wrong, and it's wrong to reject our love for you. It's not too late to do what's right...we will always love you!"...so I probably sealed my estrangement, because he has chosen to reject our love. It's our ES's choice, not ours.
May God help us all...God is the only One who can truly restore relationships to wholeness again. I just keep my faith strong and hold steadfastly to His wisdom on what steps to take next. All I can do now really.
Yes, every estrangement is different. Years ago, I took a chance, a BIG chance, telling my son about my wishes/demands, it could have went the other way. My Husband wanted NOTHING to do with our son, but my gamble paid off.
At the time, I thought it was ironic, husband going to Church, but his heart was hardened towards his oldest son. My heart was also broken; my DIL was 6 mos. when I found out.
I had many battles with myself as to what I should do. I had already lost my son, but I was going to fight for the grandchild, “Thank God”, my son’s heart was open.
I felt in my situation, my son wasn’t reaching out to me - I could have gone on in my life & never spoke to son again, but I wanted contact with the grandchild - to me, I felt it was a second chance. I had to reach out to my son, I offered the olive branch. My son told me later he was afraid, embarrassed, he didn’t know how to tell me about the baby, because he wasn’t married.
NOW, if I didn’t tell him I wanted the baby in my life, I would never know my grandchildren
Where I thought I lost my son, he thought his parents didn’t want him.
So yes, there is a story behind each and every one of us.
Sadmad11 – I’m praying for your son, I hope he soon realizes what he’s doing to his child, by denying contact with his Grandparents, and Aunts & Uncles. I do remember you told your son a few months ago, and he still denied your wishes. Yes, it is hurtful when your Son says what you want doesn’t matter. I wish I had the words to help heal your heart, my thoughts & prayers are with you. Hopefully 1 day your Son’s eyes will open; and I hope it will be soon. Hugs to you.
I think part of my hesitation is that I would prefer to stay in denial. I remember reading in one of these posts that the poster liked to think of their EC as being on a nice vacation somewhere. Certainly the reality of my ED choices are not pleasant. She is now 7.5 months pregnant. She left home with a new SUV fully paid for and $10K in her savings account. She sold her car about a year ago and I understand she is in debt around 10K. She is living in a studio apartment. Her "fiance" lives in Canada and is no longer allowed to cross into the states. They do not have a good plan for how they can live together as she has restrictions on the amount of time she is allowed to be in Canada. I wonder how long weekend visits with the baby will be enough? I will likely head up there just before she is due and will stay for a week or so after she delivers. It would be MUCH easier if she would come back home with me for a few weeks but I suspect that will be out of the question. She lives for the weekends to cross the border so I already know weekend time will be spent in Canada. Everyone tells me she has to hit rock bottom before she will come home. I feel like she hit that long ago. She isn't interested in coming back home and thinks things re: border and marriage will work out.
I skyped with her again tonight and she has been emailing me fairly regularly for the last few weeks. Not at all the perfect situation. She won't "friend" me on FB and seems to be very two sided still. Never sure which personality will appear.
Her dad and I do think she has some mental issues. Not sure what else to say. Praying for everyone on this board. Every night before I go to bed - - - - may God's will be done. I pray that when this baby is born she wakes up to the reality that she is living in poverty and her old life surrounded by family is what she yearns for.
As I was reading some of your previous information, you say your ED has ADD and is emotionally immature and impulsive. I don't recall you saying how old she is but it sounds like she must be at least 21 and an adult. Plenty of people with ADD are living respectable lives and there should be no reason your ED could not do so either. It may be more challenging, but it is possible.
I am glad that you have decided to go to her even though it would be easier if she came to you. One suggestion is to not make her feel guilty for that because she is an adult and is trying to live her own life as well as where she has chosen to have the baby and live. As moms it takes a while for us to realize that when our kids get to be independent adults, it is time for us to step aside, let them accept responsibility for their poor decisions and to let them earn their own way in life and to be there for them to help only when emergencies arise. Otherwise, they consider us moms and dads to be interfering. That in turn is when they start to get angry and push away even further. Their anger causes them to dig their heels in harder and deeper and deeper even if they know their mistakes are wrong. They do not like having to admit that the parents were right all along. So, the less said the better the chances we will have at maintaining a reasonable relationship with them as they flop along until they land in a safe place.
Offering advice...WHEN ASKED or only when eminent danger is clear is the best approach for these very strong-willed and independent thinkers today. Times are not like they used to be. Families are not the strong united family unit as they were when we were growing up - not all but many today I am afraid.
Keep you daughter in prayer is the best thing for you and for her.
Please keep posting and you are in my prayers also.
God Bless,
GM
I'm Canadian..sorry there's this not-so-responsible guy up here messing up your daughter's life. The baby, even if born in the US, and this Canadian man is the official father. (DNA testing to prove this)....well the baby would have "dual" citizenship..at least that is what the laws here are...don't know if this has changed at all in recent years?? The laws on citizenship change all of the time..but from what I know..your grandchild will have some Canadian priviledges..but you should try looking into this. I do know that Canadians having children (proven theirs) outside of our country are allowed to this partial Canadian citizenship when any one of the parent is proven to be Canadian themselves. Something to look into... some of the people I know with this "dual" citizenship have reaped from the BEST of both countries..so this is a good and wonderful thing for your soon to be grandchild. I would encourage you again to do some research of your own on this....it may not count if they aren't married??? I really don't think this matters today if paternity is proven, but I don't know for certain???
You should be all set after that.
GM: Yes, she is 27! It is hard for me to let go. I realize she is an adult and that is why I let her go.... I didn't have a choice, I couldn't stop her. It is VERY hard to watch her continue to make bad decisions. We live in the suburbs of Washington DC. Jobs are not very scarce. The outlet parking lot and other malls are packed on the weekends. It is difficult to tell the country is in a recession. When she moved and quit her job she just assumed she could get another one readily. When that didn't happen she applied for SS benefits due to a bad back. I am sure it was her BF's idea as he is on some sort of benefit program in Canada and doesn't work. (Yes, the story just keeps getting worse) That is also why I wasn't thrilled with the idea of going up there. It will be very difficult to see what is going on and not say anything (because I know I can't) and as I said before sometimes I prefer to just be in denial.
SadMad: My half-brother has dual citizenship and his kids were born in Canada. The unfortunate thing is my daughter has struck up a relationship with him and he is not helping. He basically said good for you do what you want. (He did something similar when he was 18) The bf has two kids from a "common law marriage". That makes me believe that he wouldn't really marry her unless it was to come to the US. I usually see the good in people but I guess this situation here has me jilted. My daughter is 27 and he is 42 with two children (12 and 6?). He supposedly home schools them yet the oldest can't write. He can write words using the computer but not a pencil?? I was told there are no yearly checks to see if the children are at grade level. He does not discipline them at all as he is concerned about having a complaint and having them taken away?? When my ex and youngest went to see them and took them out to dinner the 12 year old refused to sit at the same table. They let him order and eat at a separate table. As far as I am concerned if he wanted to eat he should have been told food is only served at the table they are sitting at. I just don't get it. I am not against him being "Canadian" rather the red tape involved in trying to live together AND the fact that he appears to be a loser living on the government dole. He doesn't own a car, doesn't have a job, has two kids and never married the mother of his kids. UGH.
Daily: My intent is to know my granddaughter. It is much harder because my daughter moved eight hours away. If she had moved eight hours south I suspect I would see her more ;) I hate the cold! Hoping that she will let her take her for a week in the summer when she gets older. I would like to be able to take her to the beach. I am probably dreaming but that is in my head.