My mom died three years ago. After she passed, I started to let go of my ED. The whole 20 some odd years my mom was alive, I heard things such as your mom said. Those words always kept me on the treadmill of pain and trying and trying and trying. No one can know our pain and our heart but ourselves. I don't think our parents generation can even wrap their minds around this estrangement thing. It is hard enough for us and we don't even understand it. Do what you need to do. I wish I had a long time before my mom's death. Sad but true.

A similar thing happened to me. Yesterday, a relative said something to me about how I shouldn't take what my DIL does personally. I told them it is hard not to take it personally when I ask my DIL an innocuous, conversational, neutral question, and she answers in monosyllables in a hostile tone. My relative, who knows how much pain I have suffered, quickly backed off. One blessing that this website has given me, is that I feel that everyone on it has been deeply wounded by their EC, or estranged DIL's, and we are all doing the very best we can, in an almost impossible situation. And also, it's obvious we all care DEEPLY about our EC; if we didn't their estrangement and choices wouldn't cause us any pain. But our children are NOT children, they are independent adults, and the power they wield over us is ADULT power, the power all over adults have over us to hurt us, abuse us or neglect us. I feel very strongly that protecting yourself from abuse, or from being used or manipulated by those who have power over us because we do love them so much, and want to have a genuine, loving relationship with them; protecting ourselves is self-preservation, is treating ourselves with the same kindness and protection we would like to be able to give to our EC, and is NOT us being selfish or not caring about our EC. It is precisely because we love them as much as we do, that we suffer so much pain. In the past, when I have emailed close relatives or my pastor, about my ES and DIL, I have asked them not to reply. Just listen and bear witness, but please don't judge or make comments about what I am saying. This has worked well, as I do have relatives who have my back, and my pastor knows well how much pain my relationship with my ES and DIL has brought to me. Each of us is doing the best we can in an impossible, and uniquely painful, and profoundly painful situation, that is not natural, that is not how God intended things to be. I think someone who has never been in this situation, where we have children who have no regard for our feelings, or our humanity, people who have never had an EC, is really not qualified to give advice, or to tell you what you should or shouldn't have done. But I know what you mean, one time in Bible Study, the leader, who is a good and godly woman, said that she would always be more open, and never give up on, her children. It hurt to hear her say that, but then her daughters all live in our city, all married good and godly men, all attended the same church for a long time, all her daughters are still Christians, and they all have holidays together, and get along really well. And treat each other with respect and courtesy. And value the family that they have. I believe that until you have personally had an EC or DIL or GF who treats you like dirt, you can't really know what you would or wouldn't do. And I feel very strongly that self-preservation is just as important, as what and how we give to others. Because we are valuable children of God, too.

After a lifetime of being hurt, first by my parents, then my 1st husband, 2nd husband (whom I am still with), my MIL treating me & my 2 boys like dirt, & now my ES, I fear my heart has died a little. I pray to God to let me "feel" again. My heart has been hardened a little more every year. I suspect if I didn't have thyroid disease, and chronic pain & depression, I wouldn't feel so emotionally sad. I try so hard to be happy, & I know God is leading me down the path to it, but patience has never been my strong suit lol.

Acceptance is a huge key to healing. I know it is in my life. I still,after 3 years, ask God to help me to accept the way things are with our ED. She does have mental issues but no matter what our journey with our adult EC I have come to know that we can not change our EC. Only God is able. We greive what we lost and in His strength move forward.

As far as others I understanding I have also come to realize try as they might they do not. It is not their fault. Unless we walk down the same path as another we can not understand. We can show compassion but we can not understand.

All of our journeys even here are different but we do understand the pain of losing our EC. God bless each one of you as we live one day at a time breathing in His grace and breathing out our praise.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. Lindajoan, you hit the nail on the head about others not being able to understand and it isn't really their fault. So true. I am sure if the shoe were on the other foot, and someone in my family were going through this (say one of my brother's kids) even though I would be sympathetic, deep down I am sure I would probably think it was partly their fault. I guess we are just hardwired that way. And before this happened to ME, I always thought stupidly that things like this didn't happen to "good" families. Oh how stupid I was. I will say it has taught me to be more compassionate towards others and not to judge. I am so glad I found this site, though. Thank you.

Ejrinpain! Were you able to talk to your church leader and explain to her how you feel? She probably doesn't understand since she has never experienced EC! But, perhaps she would like to be educated so that she can grow closer to Heavenly Father!

I'm almost afraid to talk about ES to others. I feel like they may harshly judge me.

In some cases it is wise to be careful who we share our estrangement story with. It is often misunderstood even by Christians.

people do judge estrangement. if I'm to be honest, if I wasn't going through it, I'm sure I would, too… It truly is one of those things that unless you walk in our shoes, you cannot grasp it. It doesn't make sense, especially in a Christian's life. the fact is, there is an invisible war raging around us. Jesus understood that war better than anyone.

yeah I feel like people think it is an easy fix. I guess things are complex. I know that I didn't abuse my son but feel like people still may think that I did although there was no evidence. I sometimes feel like all it takes is the accusation. However there were still problems that we had to make him do that to me. I wish I could change the way things happened and that I could have done more to prevent the estrangement.

I guess I am still in the WHY? stage of this estrangement with my adult children. Poodlegrl....you have gone through enough pain and suffering and it is time for you to give all of it to God. I know what you have been going through because I too am in that boat.........I have asked my daughter to sit down and discuss her issues and if she refuses, (she has no problems discussing them with family and friends), then I too will have to accept what has happened and lay it at God's feet. These EC seem to get alot of pleasure knowing how much power they have over our lives and feelings........thank God we were kinder and loving to them when they were children than they are to us as we grow old. When I pray.....I ask God to heal our family but I also ask him to forgive me AND my EC for our sins............If my ED ever knocks on the door and wants to talk I will open it but until then, for my own self preservation, I must move on with my life and you should too Poodlegrl.............God bless you and give you the strength you need to heal. Hugs and much respect for accepting the unacceptable. It is a hard pill to swallow.

By the way..........these abuse issues my ED likes to tell everyone about are not true.

Hugs

Acceptance in many areas of my own life is an important theme. Thanks for this thread and everyone who contributes from personal experience. @ejrinpain, beautifully written- exceptional wisdom throughout.