CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
We as parents did have dreams for our children. We wanted them to do better and have more than we did. With our life experience and knowledge, we wanted to protect them for all bad things in life so that they wouldn't have to hurt. These are natural things for parents to want. But part of becoming an adult is learning to live our own life and learning from our own choices and experiencing the natural consequencs of those choices.
So now that they've decided to make their own dreams, ignored our protective warnings and make choices that will hurt them - what do we do?
We may detest some of those choices they've made, the spouses they've chosen, their negative behaviors that have affected even us such as estrangement. We may not agree with the lifestyles they've chosen. Well, we don't have to accept those choices, but I think if we want to help heal the estrangment, we have to accept our EC as they are.
I don't mean that we are responsible for their choice to estrange, because that's just another choice they've made. I don't mean that we have to accept any negative behaviors from them or enable dangerous or harmful behaviors they are doing - but we have accept them - the person if we want to take steps towards healing estrangement. We don't have to beg, bribe, cajole or contact them to say that we love them as they are no matter how they treat us. We just have to show love for them and not for the negative behaviors.
Afterall, don't we want to be loved and accepted by our EC as we are? If we want to be a part of their lives, accepting them and loving them will help open the door. We don't have to join in when they are doing things that are clearly wrong or enable them so they don't experience natural consequences when they make negative choices or sit and take it when they are abusive, but we can respond lovingly towards them and not towards their negative behaviors. And if their values or the dreams we had for them are not what we wanted, we can still love them. We can still pray for them. We can accept them as a step towards healing. Jesus loved us while we were yet sinners. He sat with sinners. He ate with sinners. He didn't join in their sin, but He loved the sinner even before the sinner changed. Let's love our EC as Jesus loves us.
So now that they've decided to make their own dreams, ignored our protective warnings and make choices that will hurt them - what do we do?
We may detest some of those choices they've made, the spouses they've chosen, their negative behaviors that have affected even us such as estrangement. We may not agree with the lifestyles they've chosen. Well, we don't have to accept those choices, but I think if we want to help heal the estrangment, we have to accept our EC as they are.
I don't mean that we are responsible for their choice to estrange, because that's just another choice they've made. I don't mean that we have to accept any negative behaviors from them or enable dangerous or harmful behaviors they are doing - but we have accept them - the person if we want to take steps towards healing estrangement. We don't have to beg, bribe, cajole or contact them to say that we love them as they are no matter how they treat us. We just have to show love for them and not for the negative behaviors.
Afterall, don't we want to be loved and accepted by our EC as we are? If we want to be a part of their lives, accepting them and loving them will help open the door. We don't have to join in when they are doing things that are clearly wrong or enable them so they don't experience natural consequences when they make negative choices or sit and take it when they are abusive, but we can respond lovingly towards them and not towards their negative behaviors. And if their values or the dreams we had for them are not what we wanted, we can still love them. We can still pray for them. We can accept them as a step towards healing. Jesus loved us while we were yet sinners. He sat with sinners. He ate with sinners. He didn't join in their sin, but He loved the sinner even before the sinner changed. Let's love our EC as Jesus loves us.
Through this very difficult trial, I have grown closer to the Lord..the very best thing that's happened through this experience. I have to do this with all three of my adult children. My husband & I have two other adult children going through their own processes emotionally, because they have also been treated the same way. My daughter who is 27, has been grieving the loss of any contact with her older brother, and I have been able to walk alongside her and we just hug and accept this pain..not that we want to accept being rejected..but it's not healthy for any one of us to dwell on this hurtful behavior from my ES..her brother. She so wants to show love to her baby nephew..but then again has been denied any contact..what does she do?? I pray for all my children now..so I leave this ALL in Jesus lap, I keep saying to myself and to others..He will make this all right someday, somehow..only God knows when, and how..only God knows.