My husband is the same way. It's not the he isn't affected deeply by what has happened, but he has a way of compartmentalizing everything and going on with his life. He has moments of sadness and emotion, but they are few and far between. Despite the fact that he is loving and patient, he doesn't handle my inability to get over this very well. He thinks that I should be able to just do what he does but for me it is impossible. He frequently gets frustrated and exasperated with me.

It is just natural that women react to estrangement differently than men. We are wired by God to be different! At times I can resent or be frustrated with the way my husband doesn't let the estrangement "get" to him, but I also admire the way he sees the big picture. And I also believe it is God's design and a gift from Him to have a godly husband who can balance the equation. We can learn much from each other how to respond to crisis.

I agree with all of you - my husband was pretty cut and dried, so to speak, dealing with our ES. I was always crying, saying if only we had given them the money DIL demanded, etc. He said "it wouldn't have made any difference, she would have still not let our ES be with his family." And I am sure he is right. He has never sent an email or text to our ES like I have.

Our ES sent a nasty email telling us he wanted nothing to do with us until he made the decision, if ever, to reconnect. I saw those words from ES as just his temper and so I would send emails of apology, love, etc. My husband was right - our ES has never responded.

And my husband is very able to go forward, as if this never happened. Except now that we have a granddaughter, whenever my husband sees a picture of her, or sees other grandfathers holding their little granddaughters, he does get sad. He always wanted a daughter; we had 2 sons. Now he has a GD and we aren't a part of her life.

This estrangement is just so sad.

I have a wonderful husband. He is kind and considerate, affectionate and everything I could want in a husband. He adopted my son when he was eight after we married. My first husband had died of a heart attack when my son was four. They got along quite well until my son was about 12 or so. Then my son started to be increasingly rebellious and seemed to resent both his parent's desire to be in charge of the family. He was very intelligent and capable, and I think he saw himself as our equal in every way. He would argue about everything. My husband could not take his attitude and became more and more reserved and uninvolved in the parenting process. At times I felt like a single mother. I was constantly dealing with some form of disobedience: stealing, lying, and finally my son became a father at 18.

When my son left home, I think my husband was relieved. I was glad there was no more conflict, but I had thought that if he had his own place it would improve our relationship because he wouldn't have to worry about actually living together and would be in his own territory. Instead he cut us off completely.

I suffered deeply. I missed my son and was left out of my grandson's life because his girlfriend and her family hated me. My husband understood my pain and was sympathetic, but I still felt very much alone. He wasn't grieving like I was. He would say, "I don't know what to say. I don't know how to fix it." Now, my son is 21 and has another girlfriend and has chosen not to be in his child's life. The loss is something that I have to deal with daily, but it doesn't seem to affect my husband as an individual like it does me.

The back story is that my husband lost his first family quite suddenly when his first wife having found someone else, asked him for a divorce and kicked him out of his house the same afternoon. He lost his home, his two sons, and everything about his life in one afternoon. His ex did the parental alienation thing to him and his sons who were 13 and 15 gravitated toward her life, and he was made a thing of the past. Now his sons are 32 and 34 and don't show him much interest, but also he doesn't pursue them. I think that he has been injured deeply by the things that have happened in his life and being a man, he tends to try to put it in a box and not deal with it directly.

I love my husband and I realize I just have to let this be OK with me. I am different. I have to address things differently, and I have to allow the people in my life to deal with their issues in their own way.

My husband is just the way I thought he would be. Like it never happened and gets angry when I cry.

I am thankful for a long marriage with DH. He was very hurt through the estrangement with our ED since they had been close. She left home at age 20, for a bf and his family, and turned against us and the entire family (with lies and false allegations). ED's bf has since given her up. She has pursued other enablers including now a different bf.

DH has been able to give the estrangement tragedy to the Lord and keep it in prayer. He believes only God can change ED and is content with taking hands off. I need to get on his page and completely leave it in God's hands according to DH. I tend to desire to reach out more to no avail I might add. I think DH is right.

My H spent years avoiding the situation. When I would tell him what our D said to me privately, without witnesses, he never would believe me. I finally told my dear women friends, all mothers, and every single one of them believed every word I said. After 3 years of going through estrangement alone, this past Christmas, our D let him have it with both barrels. She telephoned him screaming and yelling and threatening but I did not hear it or witness it. But when he came stumbling back into the house after the call and told me, I believed him.

The last 9 months has been an interesting odyssey, observing him go through a crash course, an accelerated course in estrangement. It has taken him 9 months to finally reach anger. Every step of the way he is stunned anew and so far it hasn't really occurred to him that I experienced every single emotion that he is going through now. he still has a ways to go.

Close personal friends think he was SO in denial about what happened , and because he worked so hard to deny it, he is suffering now and he can't escape it.

The only good thing I can come up with about this is now we are united in seeing our D for what she presently is. He has no delusions anymore and that actually is a relief.

imresilient - I had a similar experience with my sister. She is an angel and only sees good in everyone, so obviously she couldn't imagine our son behaving the way he did, after all, he was her godson and her family and ours were so close as we raised our children.

But my sister and her husband visited him in the hospital and he was so angry with them for coming and she said she will never forget the hate in his eyes toward them. Then her son tried to call my ES and was also treated badly. All along we believe my DIL had plans to estrange me, like she did to her own birth mom, and didn't think the rest of the family would see through her hate. But she "over" programmed my son to the point where he was showing her anger and hate to everyone in the family.

I truly believe satan had a field day with these kids; only God can bring my ES back to who he was before meeting her and only God can change her mean heart.

My husband has told me in order to cope with daily life he has just to let it go. He can't talk about it or it will consume him and he won't function. He is able to emotionally distance himself, I am envious of this. He said its all he can do, until and unless our son contacts us, and at that point he would have to face it. I respect his coping, I wish I were able to cope as well.

Men are just different in their ways of dealing with their emotions. I think women must talk about it over and over to come to terms with the pain. As I have been in this group for the past month or so, I have felt that everyone here was a woman. Men just don't need to vent like we do. That's not good or bad. It's just different. And they have their "Nothing Box." They really can go into a place where there is nothing to think about to find peace.

OMG Tikva - I just read your post and all I can say is HOW TRUE!!!! I read it to my husband and he absolutely agrees. I can't tell you the number of times he is silent and I have asked "what are you thinking about?" [because we women are always thinking about something, right?]

His response is "nothing".

Men cope differently than women but it also depends upon the DH's personality, too. Generally, men see things more black/white than we do. That has been a good balance in our marriage as I am more emotional, at least on the surface. I have to wonder, also, if men are more realistic than we are.