First of all, our situation is a bit different because we were completely cut off: unfriended on Facebook, he changed his phone numbers, moved to another state with no forwarding address. In fact, we are the only forwarding address and I know he's not with us! Actually, I did some sleuthing and found out his physical address BUT I know he doesn't want us to know. Anyway, he has given every indication that he wants absolutely NO contact - the ball is in his court, but we weren't invited to the game.... I could send a message through our second daughter (the only one with who he has channels of communication open) BUT here again, our daughter doesn't want to be 'caught in the middle' (which she already is) and she is afraid if she does anything, ES will cut her off like the rest of the family.
All this being said, each situation is unique in itself. I have to ask myself, "If I were able to contact my ES, would I do so." Even though every fiber in my being would say "YES" I really don't think it would yield the results I desire. It would push him further away. In this whole scenario, our EC want to feel 'in control' of the situation and part of that plan is keeping us far, far away and keep us out of his mind. BUT God....

It is true. Each journey is different. If you are feeling led of the Lord after prayer then I think reaching out on a special occasion like a birthday would be fine. I think I would just start out by sending a birthday or holiday card and see the response. Please do not be discouraged if they do not respond right away.

As far as an apology letter I think I would wait on that. One way to write to someone if you do not think you were wrong is not to say you were wrong. You could tell her you are sorry that what took place hurt her feelings.

Please keep us updated. Pray and see how you are led.

In our situation, our ES has made it abundantly clear he does not want contact and we are not allowed to see his 3 children. It's been 2 years. I came to this site at that time, a hot mess, and can't believe 2 years have passed already. It's been a yo-yo time emotionally. These wonderful people have helped me immensely.
My DH and I have honoured his wishes and have not attempted to make contact since his decision about us. We pray, we bless, we love, and we leave him alone.
What lindajoan said is very important about not apologizing for something you didn't do. I was tempted to do that, if it would mean reconciliation, but the relationship would be built on a false foundation. Until what's in his heart changes, we will continue to leave it entirely in God's loving, mighty hands.
As great as a counsellor may be, every different situation and every different personality, and all the influences along the way, drugs, occult, whatever, make every family situation unique. Only God knows the ins and outs. Go with whatever God tells you to do, not a man. That's my humble opinion.

It used to be a difficult decision for me, whether to try and continue reaching out, but not anymore. Too many years have passed now, and by the grace of God, I am beginning to be in a place of acceptance regarding my ED.
I tried too many unsuccessful times, and I've decided the hurt and rejection isn't worth it.

I am learning to focus on all the wonderful family members in my life, watching my son advance in his career, and love me the way children should love their parents. :)

If you are going to write a letter and want to address the issue in a truthful and honest way you can say this:

I'm sorry that you felt that we were purposely leaving you out of a family discussion on (specific date) but that was not meant to be a hurtful jab at you. The fact is that you were new to the family at the time and we weren't sure if it was appropriate to have you in the meeting since we didn't know if this was a long term relationship. I want you to know that we aren't trying to make you feel unwelcome or uninvited and we would really like the opportunity to get to know you more. I realize that because we have vast differences in our belief systems that it can be hard to find common ground, but clearly you are important to our son and he is important to us, so I'm sure we can all agree on some basic things in order to maintain a peaceful relationship. We will gladly respect your boundaries in things you do not agree with or what you hold important and we only ask that your respect us in the same way. Our faith is very important to us and while you don't hold the same beliefs, I know we can agree to disagree and keeps things peaceful. If you and (son's name) are willing to work on a resolution that has the 2 of you in our lives and us in yours, we are open to that opportunity.


It's about as middle of the lane response as I could come up with. I don't know that a letter would do any good because often they are skewed as an attack even when they clearly are not, but if you think a letter might possibly help, I'd say it the way I described above. Best of luck to you, I really do hope things work out.

I just want to give you a word of caution ....
My daughter did not give us the courtesy of letting us know she wanted zero contact. She sorta went 'off the grid.' Quit returning phone calls, emails, and stopped posting on Facebook. At first, we just thought maybe she was having marital issues ... so one of us, my husband or me, would leave one message per week on her recorder, tell her we loved her and asked her to let us or someone that she was doing okay...
As our concern grew, we considered calling the police, but before going to that level, we decided to go to her apartment to 'check on her.'
She called the police on me, lied to them and said I had 'harrassed her day and night' banging at her door ... it never happened. She made it all up and through the police, we were told she wanted ZERO CONTACT with us and that a restraining order would be taken out if we ever attempted contact again.

I have been estranged 6 years and I have read thousands of stories of both estranged parents and EC's ... and I know that using the law ... laws made to keep stalkers and dangerous people away are used by the EC's against well meaning parents ... there is actually a 'play book' teaching other EC's how to make the biggest impact against their parents.

So, while you want to reach out ... want them to know we love them ... we also need to be mindful of how our letters, emails, etc. can be used against us.

I am not a fan of Dr. Coleman. I know that some get a lot from him ... but IMHO, he tends to put the ONUS on the parents, not the EC.

In my opinion, once your EC says NO CONTACT ... your hands are tied ... but that doesn't mean we can't do battle because we know the King of Kings and Lord of Lords ... and with Him anything is possible.

Once my daughter did this horrible thing, she took things out of my hands. I keep putting her back into the hands of the Lord and do battle in prayer... I believe that is our answer ... to trust Him, wait on Him, even when we don't understand....

My heart goes out to you ... HUGS and may the Lord bless and keep you in His perfect peace.....

difficulttime, I agree completely with you. As I mentioned in my earlier post, the hurt and rejection isn't worth it. My ED has allowed 7 years to pass without contacting not only myself, by her aging grandmother who helped her so much financially, or the brother who was her childhood best friend.

Her decision has been made. I continue my life, and enjoy the family members who are healthy and loving. I will lift my ED and GC up in prayer everyday until The Lord takes me home, but I will not risk anymore emotional pain by reaching out to someone who through her silence, has made her feelings clear.

I pray for you Luke2231. Please follow the Lord's guidance, and let Him keep you strong.

Sommersmom... same with my mother ... only she died 8 mos after my daughter cut off all family, extended family and family friends ... and then did not respond when we left a message about the funeral ... she didn't attend, no contact, no nothing to this day....

It still amazes me how they can just walk away from their once beloved grandparents, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, everyone .... so sad. All I can think is that Satan has deceived them.

Luke, While my daughter was estranged I continued to send letters most of the time putting my address and then pleas forward. I don't know how many she got. I knew my daughter was sensitive and if I didn't try she would think I didn't love her anymore. I never really apologized since she took off out of the blue and I didn't know why. It was a total shock. I did say I was sorry that she felt she couldn't talk to me; that if she felt I wasn't a good listener I would try better. I mostly just wrote that I missed her and whatever she did would be forgiven. That I and God still loved her. I don't know how much the letters helped. She took off with her bf and married him while gone without inviting us. I sent a card and small check when I found out. I said I was disappointed we weren't invited, but again everything is forgiveable. I have never apologized to bf/husband as again I don't know why he'd be mad at me. Every EC is different. Pray about your decision.

Thank you ALL for your responses. I can't tell you what a gift it is to have perspective from people that aren't so close to the situation that rationale is missing, yet have all been there emotionally. As always, your advice to pray about it is absolutely spot-on!!

Reading all your stories and experiences just floors me; it's obvious you all love your EC very much - as I do - and it's just baffling that they can walk away so easily. Mine has cut off contact with every member of our family... It's as if we never existed.

Everloving, Sommersmom, barbyz, what you say about letting them feel in control of the situation by setting the terms contact makes sense. Letting God do the difficult work while I continue to pray for ES's heart to change will be hard, but that's faith in a nutshell I guess. Focusing on the family I still have close is really the only thing I can do. Unless of course, I want to spend my days wallowing, which I don't! But as you know, the feelings of "what if," "should I", and "how could they?" are always gnawing in the back of our minds. Facilitated by Satan, no doubt, but still there...

LIndajoan and feelinghelpless, I do think the birthday cards and maybe even gifts might be the only way I can reach out at this point. ES's love language is "gifts" and just a few weeks before he cut us off, he did sent me some $ for my birthday to buy artwork on our trip, knowing that's my kind of travel souvenir. I think continuing to acknowledge his birthday and holidays with just cards or gifts might say a lot without saying anything, if that makes sense. Assuming I'll have his address once they move to Europe....

His wife though.... difficulttime, I AM concerned that whatever I do will be used against me, especially by DIL. I'm not really sure I agree with everything Dr. Coleman says, but he mentioned that continuing to send cards and gifts to the difficult spouse actually fortifies the EC, showing that we as parents aren't really so evil and unloving. That resonated with me, particularly because my son's love language is gifts. I did buy DIL a birthday gift on our trip, and even though her birthday's already passed, I've held off sending it for now. Again, I'll have to pray!

And Lucy, thank you so much for taking the time to write EXACTLY what to say if and when I send a letter to her. I'm usually pretty decent at writing, but an apology to her was far beyond me. What you wrote conveys everything perfectly without being pushy or whiny. Why is it so hard to love the unlovable? God is surely working on me through her....

I feel as if I'm on a ship during a violent storm and my emotions and actions are shifting from one moment to the next! I so appreciate all of you being here to help me work through these things. In today's church sermon, we read Galatians 6:2 - Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. I immediately thought of this group and I thank you for helping bear my burden...

Dear Difficult time, My Daughter did exactly the same and then cut me off with so much energy and might by the direction and demand of her evil partner if you want to call him a partner. It's the hardest grief of all I know this is an old post but today someone told me that the only way I am able to keep my Daughter in a relationship with me in these mean circumstances is by this severe grief. Thats why I have been so depressed for years. I have not seen her in years.