When I went through this exact thing a few decades ago, my counselor had me do the following: read these passages and underline every time you see the phrase "in Christ" or "in Him" noting what position you are in Him. Day #1 read Galatians; Day#2 read Ephesians; Day #3 read Philippians; Day #4 read Colossians; Day #5 read Romans 8-10. Then repeat this process over and over for a few weeks. At first, it didn't sink in, but after a few times, my mindset was radically altered ad I had a whole new opinion of who I was in Christ ad chased those dark, suicidal thoughts away! Keep in touch - Satan wants to sift you and have you dwell on those dark thoughts, masking all those blessings you have. My life verses are II Corinthians 12:9-10 - notice what Paul takes delight in. Amazing! Remember, when we acknowledge our weaknesses, we allow Him to be our strength.

God is the wee still voice. The loud overpowering thoughts and feelings is satan. We have to keep grounded in the word and take ownership for who we are in Christ. You are not alone and I understand. There is no understanding of these ec thoughts and words. It is like they were raised in an entirely different house because our version is very different. I keep reminding myself God is still in control and HE WILL bring us through. It is nothing we did. We did our best. Read Job. Job lost his family, wealth, etc and for no reason other then God allowed Satan to test him. Job murmured and complained like we do and felt worthless, etc. as we feel. Then God stepped on the scene and restored all that had been taken away from him. The last part of his life was better then the first. That is my escape believing this is only going to last for awhile, but if I stay faithful and trusting in God, my family will be restored. There is a season for everything and our sadness will end. Like the song says, "Joy Comes in the Morning".
Trust God and you will never be disappointed. He may not do the things the way you think he should do or at the time he should do it. He is never too early nor too late, but at that midnight hour, he will come through.

I have went through times of depression and wondering what was in this life for me. I stayed in those thoughts for a while and then one day I realized that despite what was wrong in my life there was a lot of right. I had a husband who loved me dearly for many years, if I weren't here he'd feel so lost without me, I am the love of his life, I'm important to him. I didn't always know why he still loved me but he did and it's the same reason why we love our kids, because we just do and that love is just there, naturally. I had children who need me, if I wasn't in this world I would miss very big moments of joy in their lives. If I wasn't here who will listen to my little girl when she gets her first heart break? Who will give her gentle hugs when some man or some life situation lets her down? Who will be here to take flowers to her during her big recitals or plays? Who will pick prom/wedding dresses with her? My son is a jerk a lot of times and we go back and forth on estrangement, but when he hits rock bottom and needs his mom how much worse will bottom be if I'm not here? Who will console my mother if she has to bury a child? And how can I decide to pass on this gift of life that God has given? There is so much beauty in the world and we have so much left to do before we meet our savior. It is so true that to everything there is a season, there is a season of mourning, a season of depression, a season of feeling lost...but there are also seasons of great joy, great triumph, seasons of giving, seasons of receiving, and seasons of forgiveness. Sometimes that forgiveness leads to a reconciliation and sometimes it does not, sometimes personal peace is all we can manage and that can be tough some days. So much of life is like a tide that comes in and goes out and while sometimes the tide coming in is so overwhelming it feels like we are drowning, if we just hold on....it will eventually wash out again, and take with it so much of the bad. Hold on, until your season of joy returns, it is coming, don't give up. Lay your cares upon his shoulders for his shoulders are broad and he can hold it. I know you are in so much pain over your son, I know that pain is a constant weight, but so many others love you, bask in their joy and celebrate in their lives, I'm sure you are extremely important to all of them and not because of this reason or that reason but because of who you are, you are a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a friend....you don't have to have a list of worthy deeds to earn love, they love you, they need you, put all your thoughts on them and let God hold on to your son. I know it's hard but just keep holding on, your season is coming.

Beautiful response Lucy76. Sometimes we fail to see the beauty and the blessings of Life. You said it all. Thank you. Sometimes when I feel like giving up and moving on, I stop myself. Someday my sons will need me and I will be here waiting. It is going to happen!!!! It happens to all of us and when it does, who do or who did we turn to? OUR MOM!

Thank you with all my heart for your responses. I'll be reading them numerous times until the message sinks way down deep. Sometimes I just get weary of the fight ~ to fight off depression & loneliness for him. I periodically let it overwhelm me. I ought to know better. But I lose my grip on my thoughts and emotions, especially during sleepless nights, and they run rampant. Thank you for the scriptures and the encouragement. I'll try harder to win the battle and focus on the positive. I've done it before, but April, for whatever reason, has been a very tough month.
Thank you everyone.

We care about you. I am sure it is true of each of us that we could not make it through this life and what we are called to go through without the power of God. Life is hard but with God's strength He will get us through it as more than conquerors. We will more than survive we will thrive.

The enemy wants to destroy. Let's lean harder on the Lord. He will not fail. We are here for you with understanding and prayer. God bless you.

What wonderful responses these have been! I couldn't add anything more except to say that I have definitely been where you are, as I am sure most of us have. Fight with all the weapons of God and also don't rule out that you may have a physical chemical depression from stress and shock. I had to seek medical treatment for chemical depression that lasted about 2 years. Physical depression doesn't always mean you are suicidal or unable to get out of bed. Because your brain chemicals are depleted (some times by a terrible shock or on going stress) depression can make us unable to think cognitively. Our brains are running strangely and the whole world can seem dark. We are body, soul, and spirit and need to be healthy and balanced all around. Also, I had to let the others around me love me and also let go of control of my life and how I thought things would be. God is in control and you are loved by him and us. Prayers.

It doesn't happen all at once but a little at a time that we grow stronger. It is natural for you, as a mother, to feel so hurt in this situation, but you are much more than this boy's mother, you have greater worth to many, and one day this boy might come back to reconcile, if he does that would be wonderful but if he doesn't there are still many who love you and need you and they are worth living for. I hope you get to a better place in the coming days and weeks, but I think many of us have been there and know how you're feeling.