CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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barbyzhere 04/21/2015

I received an email this morning from my DIL telling me that my ES asked her to email my husband and me to say they miss us and would like to reconcile. You would think I'd be overjoyed, right? Well I'm not.
It's a conditional offer. Not only do I have to confess the mistakes I made raising him, which I have done many times, but I also have to admit to doing the despicable things he has accused me of, which both God and I know I didn't do. If I don't lie, and say I did the horrendous things he's accused me of, there can be no reconciliation, because he "needs closure".
Am I desperate enough to do that? No. In fact, going without hearing the judgement he dishes out for the last 3/4 of a year has had it's upside. Do I sell my honesty and self respect so I can see my 3 grandchildren again, and just not spend any more time with him than I have to?
If someone despises another person, and that other person is well aware of their extremely negative feelings, how on earth do the two of them ever have a decent relationship? He's 38. For half of his life, and a third of mine, he has made it clear he has had no use for me. The only foundation there has been for the past 20 years has been made of eggshells.
How could that ever be fixed?
What would you do? How would you respond?

agrandmothersheart 04/21/2015

Wow, that's a tough one, barbyzhere! I would not want to advise you, but if it were me, I wouldn't trust her or him. You might humble yourself, grovel at their feet, admit to things you never did... and then be estranged again anyways. Then, in addition to being estranged, they can gloat in the fact that they made you admit what you did (even if you didn't do it).

This reminds me of my ex husband who phoned me after we separated and told me that if I asked for spousal support he would turn our children against me. Well, I didn't ask for spousal support and.... you guessed it... people like this simply cannot be trusted.

chocolatecat 04/21/2015

Hi barbyz, I have been pretty careful as of late about what I put in writing, whether it be email, text message or letter. There is a small chance she could be fishing for you to confess something so they have "evidence" in writing. I guess they could even record a conversation pretty easily now. Definitely never confess to something you did not do. How sad this all is. Praying for wisdom for you.

lindajoan 04/21/2015

Barbyz, It seemed like a good thing when you mentioned your DIL's email for reconciliation. Then you mentioned all these requirements towards it. Was this mentioned? I would not ever admit to something I did not do. We always confess to God and our children things we may have done but we must not lie because they are asking us to do so in the name of peace. Pray for God's wisdom before responding. He will guide you. God bless you.

barbyzhere 04/21/2015

Thank you for your responses. We're taking our time to think it through before we respond. I don't trust this to be the bottom line. When we do respond, it will be in person so there's no misunderstanding or anything in writing that could come back to haunt us. There will be no compromising of the truth to gain access either. Thanks for your feedback.

savedbyhim45 04/21/2015

It sounds like the spiritual battle that we have been talking about. Pray to the Lord about it. The Lord commands us to speak the truth, and we must obey Him.

poodlegirl61 04/23/2015

I wouldn't do it. And believe me, I have felt a lot of pressure from my family to just apologize, even if its for nothing, to "make nice". This is what my mother has told me repeatedly. Just apologize! And when I ask, what am I apologizing for, she says just make something up! Her exact words to me were to just "be fake and apologize and say anything I can to get him to come back".....I kid you not! Well, after much prayer and soul searching I know in my spirit that this is not something God wants me to do. He wants me to accept the situation. I am not giving up, I am continuing to pray, but I am not going to pander after him and his wife, begging forgiveness for something I did not do. He is the one who should be begging me. But I, too, have come to the realization that he is not a good person, either. I thought he was, and he seemed to be,until he married his wife, and then he completely changed. So, no, the ball is in his court. Just like in the Prodigal Son story, the father never went looking for his son, he waited at home, and when the SON finally decided to come home, and repent, the father accepted him. I will do the same for my son, when/if he chooses to come back. But it is truly up to him.

barbyzhere 04/23/2015

I didn't confess to the atrocities he accused me of, which are not true. As a result, since I am "denying" all of that, he has kindly and lovingly (?) told me that he still loves us, but we are going down different paths in life, paths that will not cross again.
My heart feels broken and shredded all over again. The peace I had before from months without contact, has disappeared and I feel devastated. The would has opened up all over again. There goes my son, my baby boy whom I have loved every minute and would have given my life for, my sweet, loving DIL, and my 3 wonderful grandchildren.
I'm looking forward to the day I'm out of here and no longer in pain. Lord please let it happen soon.

soverysadmom 04/23/2015

Prayers barbyzhere.

lindajoan 04/23/2015

You did not feel right about reconciling by giving in to untruths. That does not seem like a true reconciliation. Would your ES attend counseling with you to sort things out or at least meet to talk?

Only God can change the blinded hearts of EC. Please do not give up on what God can do. Until then, we all must remember how short and fragile this life is. He is with us.

savedbyhim45 04/23/2015

Leave it in the hands of God.

chocolatecat 04/23/2015

prayers barbyz. So sorry for your pain.

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