CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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EJMA 07/06/2014

The daughter is back in town this week, for a wedding. She is not staying in our home, but with the bride's family. Which is good really, because I don't think I'd want her staying here again until we discuss the situation of the estrangement.

Maybe I am being too hard on her in thinking that? She just wants to forget the whole thing, come here when it is convenient(like when her sibs are here, as she likes to see them) or she wants to see the dogs, etc. HAve me send her stuff when the need arises.

I'll be happy to meet her for lunch/dinner, etc. But I am wondering if we should just allow her to gloss over the rather strong accusations she made toward us, without discussion or apology?

OR is it better to just forget it all, and just get on with life, knowing that our relationship will be only surface/window dressing for the both of us? This is what she wants, as she has said we may never discuss these things with her. Do I just go along with that, grateful for any crumb of interaction?

I am so confused right now. We haven't talked(I've tried) since she was last in town except once via text, when she had a dream our dog had died and she wanted me to send her a picture of him. :/

Norske1 07/06/2014

How old is our ED? Sometimes they just need to mature a bit and while they are maturing, I would keep everything simple. Girls seem to want attention; that's where I would meet for lunch, keep the conversation light and always let her know how wonderful and busy your life is. And always pray God will guide you in this relationship.

EJMA 07/06/2014

She will be 20 in October, so she is still quite young. It certainly is easier just being light and merry and perhaps that is the best/wisest thing to do at this point.

It's odd to me that I am past the hurt enough to even think of 'setting my face like flint' towards her. I never thought I would get to the point of saying possibly to her, "Look, if you want back in OUR lives, we need to have a discussion about things'.

And you know what? Life really has been quite interesting and wonderful. The scar is there, but I think it is pretty well healed over. Get jolts every now and then, when I am really tired or allow myself to dwell on it.

But I think you are right..light and simple and happy for now. Maybe she will need to come to the place where she will want to discuss it all, down the road. I can't bring her there, for sure, or force it. Only our Lord can do that. Patience and resignation. I need to be reminded of that.

sallyannlass 07/06/2014

Dear EJMA, I agree with you. Accept the boundaries of no discussion and let the Lord lead the way. He has brought her this far. She is young and maybe just too young to have a real dialogue with you. Don't set your face like flint as you suggest. Just let the experience of having her around be enough for now.
If I was given the opportunity to have a 'surface' relationship with my ES, I'd take it and thank God for it.
My Thoughts anyway. Blessings.

Norske1 07/06/2014

sallyannlass -- I thought if I could have a surface relationship with my ES, that would be enough, but I have to say that after having him in our lives for the week my DH was in the hospital, and then nothing - no texts asking how DH is doing now that he is home recuperating - I am finding myself feeling like EJMA. I found out he is on vacation with his wife's family, but couldn't he even take a minute to text a quick note checking on his dad?

lindajoan 07/06/2014

Your ED is even younger than mine. Our ED is 23 but left the family at age 20. They do have a lot of maturing to do but they know right from wrong. Our ED certainly had done a lot of wrong to her good family since the estrangement.

We can not make them want a relationship with us (surface or deep) but one thing we can control is the treatment we accept from them. Disrespect is not acceptable to DH and I. That is worse than no relationship. That is not God's way.

texassunshine9406 07/06/2014

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't allow her to come and go as she pleased without having a conversation establishing YOUR boundaries and how she hurt you. Why should you keep silent, for her convenience? I'm sorry, but I won't be so thoughtful of my ED's feelings if and when they reach out! I may never have that reconciliation that I keep asking God for, or maybe I will but it will not be on their terms, but on my terms. I did not go the last 2 years without contact from them and have my heart ripped in 2 just to "let it slide". I know that's not very Christian of me, but I am human and also feel that I am owed an explanation of more than "I'm sorry" and let's go back to the mom/daughters relationship! I would never dream of just cutting them out of my life for any reason, and even though they aren't believers in God and they drink way too much, I do not deserve to be treated this way, I gave birth to them and mothered them the best that I could.

EJMA 07/06/2014

Norski, boy do I get where you're coming from re: your DH.

Honestly, I think it almost hurt me more( or rather made me angrier) to have her do this to my DH, rather than myself. It's as though I want to protect him and his honor from her and her irrational behaviour.

I think I will take the middle ground, not confront at this point, and let her (hopefully) mature a bit. But I won't be too gushy, or give her $$ or buy her clothes, as I did the last time she was here. We did have a nice time then, and it was a pleasure for me to do those things for her, as a token of my love. But I think fewer tokens, less interest in her doings and the like will be appropriate, this time around.

I have to continue to leave her(as well as myself and hubby) in God's hands. I want to be open, but not groveling towards her, if that makes sense.

Alana2 07/07/2014

Yes, it makes sense.

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