CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I am so happy to have found this place! I already feel less 'alone; from reading some of the posts.
Here's my story:
I have four children, two sons, two daughters. Right now, my youngest daughter(19) will not speak with me.
We've never really had skirmishes of any note while she was living at home, got along just fine. She was home-schooled, and that seemed to go quite well.
She got involved with a young man and dated him for about nine months. He broke up with her rather suddenly(nice kid, we all liked him very well, but his college load was heavy and he felt he couldn't give C what she wanted). She announced right after the break-up that she was going to move from home, to go be by her father(my husband and I married when she was four, her dad has never been terribly involved in her life.
That's not an issue, she is of age and can live where she likes, but I was concerned that she should make a big move like that after she dealt a bit with her heartache. But she wanted to run, and run she did.
This is definitely the hardest time in our relationship. She simply cut all ties with me, although she is in contact with my husband(her step-dad), her friends here, etc. She actually came home to visit, but would not stay at our house, choosing to stay at her friends. THAT really hurt...ouch! I wouldn't have seen her at all, save for the fact that I stayed home from work one day, and on THAT DAY she and some of her chums came over to get more of her stuff. I asked her friends to leave for a bit so that C and I could talk. And it went just fine. She hugged me and went her way.
Since then, I have not been able to talk with her. She won't take my calls, she won't return email. If I text her, she won't reply in less it is a question having to do with her stuff or somesuch, in which case she will give a yes or no answer.
Her sibs say she is just going through a delayed 'teenage rebellion'. It is very hard, esp as she is the one child of mine who professes Christ. WE do have very different ways of worship(hers more 'megachurch' style, ours more traditional. That's never been an issue, really for us as she got older, but she was closely mentored by a few women at her church and I wonder if that had some adverse effect on her view of me. I don't know.
Anyway, these are sad days for me, right now. Sometimes it is not so bad, and I trust that God is working this all out. But sometimes it is just perplexing and it hurts so. I know it hurts her, too, poor dear. She's going to a doctor for depression and that is so out of character with my bubbly, social, energetic youngest daughter. Please pray for her!
It helped just to write this out. Thanks for listening.
PS: I try not to write her too often, but I alwasy want her to know that I am thinking of her and wishing her the best and hoping for reconciliation.
Here's my story:
I have four children, two sons, two daughters. Right now, my youngest daughter(19) will not speak with me.
We've never really had skirmishes of any note while she was living at home, got along just fine. She was home-schooled, and that seemed to go quite well.
She got involved with a young man and dated him for about nine months. He broke up with her rather suddenly(nice kid, we all liked him very well, but his college load was heavy and he felt he couldn't give C what she wanted). She announced right after the break-up that she was going to move from home, to go be by her father(my husband and I married when she was four, her dad has never been terribly involved in her life.
That's not an issue, she is of age and can live where she likes, but I was concerned that she should make a big move like that after she dealt a bit with her heartache. But she wanted to run, and run she did.
This is definitely the hardest time in our relationship. She simply cut all ties with me, although she is in contact with my husband(her step-dad), her friends here, etc. She actually came home to visit, but would not stay at our house, choosing to stay at her friends. THAT really hurt...ouch! I wouldn't have seen her at all, save for the fact that I stayed home from work one day, and on THAT DAY she and some of her chums came over to get more of her stuff. I asked her friends to leave for a bit so that C and I could talk. And it went just fine. She hugged me and went her way.
Since then, I have not been able to talk with her. She won't take my calls, she won't return email. If I text her, she won't reply in less it is a question having to do with her stuff or somesuch, in which case she will give a yes or no answer.
Her sibs say she is just going through a delayed 'teenage rebellion'. It is very hard, esp as she is the one child of mine who professes Christ. WE do have very different ways of worship(hers more 'megachurch' style, ours more traditional. That's never been an issue, really for us as she got older, but she was closely mentored by a few women at her church and I wonder if that had some adverse effect on her view of me. I don't know.
Anyway, these are sad days for me, right now. Sometimes it is not so bad, and I trust that God is working this all out. But sometimes it is just perplexing and it hurts so. I know it hurts her, too, poor dear. She's going to a doctor for depression and that is so out of character with my bubbly, social, energetic youngest daughter. Please pray for her!
It helped just to write this out. Thanks for listening.
PS: I try not to write her too often, but I alwasy want her to know that I am thinking of her and wishing her the best and hoping for reconciliation.
I am sorry you are going through this right now but, in the long run, I think you are going to be ok. I agree with what your kids are saying to you - especially since they know her better than I do. My only other thought is that she may have run to her father after being rejected by the bf. She may be feeling like...."nobody loves me, my dad didn't love me and now my bf doesn't want me."
Just a thought
God Bless
I think you are right, Norske...I need to leave it with God, and be open to what He is teaching both of us at this time. And Guels...that thought about her father and the BF break-up really was illuminating. That makes so much sense, esp given her sensitive nature.
It's funny how these things go. I was doing all right with it all for a time, then BAM it just hit me out of the blue a day or so ago. I was going through her room...the tears...seeing all the mementos....
She did finally write back tonight, saying that she just needs space right now. I know she is having some issues with her step-mom and she's working full-time for the first time ever, and is really missing her friends back here. So she has a lot on her plate. Hopefully the waters will calm for her soon and we can talk.
But I can sure give her space. That doesn't sound 'forever'. And she knows it's safe to put me on the back-burner, because I will never reject her or forget her. I will always love her.
It sounds as if your daughter was explaining her behavior to you. That is a good sign. Young people often have to take a journey (I call it ). God bless you. We are here to support you.
Well, I got a long letter last night from her. It was very, very harsh. She basically accused me of emotional and verbal abuse all her years, growing up. Says that she felt I never loved her. Says that she 'might want' a civil relationship with me if I can not breach her boundaries. I have no problems with that, as long as I know the boundaries. Now I do. No contact unless she wants it. I'm fine with that at this point.
Honestly...it is just so choke full of passive-aggression. Her dad had this tendency as well. Way back he seemed just fine with everything, and then bam...found out he was unfaithful, wanted us out of the house and even wanted US dead(went to far as to not replace failing brake hoses, hoping we would die in an accident).
This is so sad. It's like a replay of that horrible time, so many years ago, except with my daughter. I had no idea she could be so harsh, or felt so badly.
But I am not crushed, oddly enough. I am trusting our good Lord to help heal, knowing that if it doesn't happen in this lifetime, it will happen in glory. She does profess Christ.
Oh, thank you for being here. You've all helped more than you can know.
I am glad you are going to be fine with her contacting you. Let her contact you, if she wants to get together, good, but as it continues in "her" plan, perhaps one time when she calls, you might say something like "honey, I would love to get together with you tomorrow but I have plans, so I guess we will have to find a different time."
I write that because even though my mother and I had a great relationship, I, too, would make the decisions as to when we would get together (after all, I was young and had a busy social life and she was just a mom who I thought had no life except waiting for my phone call or visit). After she pulled that "I have other plans" line, I rethought my behavior and had a hard time understanding that my mother might have "other plans" - how could she, I was the most important person on the planet!!!
It is good that you let your ED know that you love her and that your heart and door are open to her but do not accept abuse and lies. This is sin and we can not condone this from our EC.
We keep praying and let God work in them and us.
It is so astounding to me how the 'perfect' child has manipulated me into feeling guilty, unworthy of her, angry at times, and like I was on the outside looking through a window at her life. And she wouldn't let me in. But that was MY fault. :/
Her dad as I said has the same tendencies. I was remembering this morning how they would take pictures(and find it amusing) of one of them fake- strangling the other, or one of them with a knife to the other's back. I was horrified, but told to 'lighten up', they were just having 'fun'. Now I see that that is how passive-aggressives play. WOW.
Satan will not stand in this. Our Lord is in control and teaching us all about trusting him, when our children and we fail each other, or are just cruel to each other. May God be the healing balm in our lives, and we need to know that all WILL be well, even if it takes to Heaven to be healed. I pray for you all. IT's so good to not feel so alone. Bless you all.