CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Do you ever just want to detach from everyone? I'm tired, physically, emotionally. I'm tired of smiling and I'm tired of pretending it hasn't left me empty. Yes God is enough and I don't need anything else in my life, but I just wish he would call me home.
Read the book by Rick Warren "What On Earth Am I Hear For?" It really helped me.
I do seek to be alone for periods of time to unwind. I am desperate each day for time with the Lord. As the saying goes, "If we don't come apart, we will come apart. Be kind to yourself and get the spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional rest that is needed. We all need to do this so we can be thankful for each day that is given to us. We can not change estrangement we can only change ourselves. God bless you and all of us.
Greed, lust, anger, lack of control, dishonesty, the hardening of the heart toward parents, hedonism, and deception rule.
Those who trust in the Lord and believe what has been written biblical!y long for a reprieve...long for Christ's return. Long to be delivered in the promised rapture.
As the world continues the spiral of self destruction, embracing evil and despising good WE all want to escape.
I say this to those suffering, we have God's word in the bible to comfort us. We have the Holy Spirit to lift us up and we have the benefit of prayer.
I have prayed and continued to be loving in spite of the ugliness of others. Especially my ED. My family has prayed for healing. My daughter has behaved badly and she was known to her family as a kind and loving person. She did change after she married. We don't know why.
I have my own sense of self worth. I am not defined by my daughter's behavior, something I have absolutely no control over. Her disrespect toward me was both embarrassing and painful to endure, something I did not condone. But I prayed for her and I asked the Lord to help me in my suffering.
I forgave her in my heart. I have no animosity towards her or her husband. However, my relationship with her will never go back to what it use to be. I offer NO advise, I ask NO questions in regards to her life....I have a long distance superficial relationship with her. And that is OK for me.
She and her husband traveled from Montana to SC with their children ...a little boy two years 7 months old and a new baby 7 months old in early Dec 2013. They traveled to see my father who is 88 and has been I'll. He had never met his great grandchildren. I was 'invited' to please come. My ED gave me the hotel info so I could stay at the same hotel. In fact my room was across the hall from theirs.
Almost 2 years had passed since I had seen my daughter or grandson. And I met my new granddaughter.
Miracles do happen. So from Dec 6th until Dec 9th I was able to see and be with them.
We all had a happy time. My daughter wants me to come to MT in May2014 and Christmas 2014.
Miracles do happen. She wants this interaction with me. What happened? I don't know.
Was it the letters my father sent? Was it my mother's reaching out to her? Was it the presents I sent for the children..or my loving cards or notes enclosed in the packages mailed? Was it the difficulty of the birth of my GD without my being there? Was it the emergency surgery her husband had to save his life three weeks after my GD was born?
Was it the indifference on the part of her husband's family that highlighted my ongoing efforts? Was it that she loved and missed me?
What motivated my daughter to send me a lovely thank you note, a beautiful Christmas card, a happy news year text message...and continual text messages w pics of my GC?
What happened and why?
I don't know. I am thankful though. I thank the Lord and I praise him.
Now with that said, I am alone living in a state 2,500+ miles away from my daughter. She and her husband chose to move from TN to MT. This after being in TN for one year where I lived...and after being in FL for two years where her husband's family lived.
So I can have no relationship of any real significance physically. I mean really. So if I have any kind of health emergency..not there for me. Not there for me at all. That's the bottom line and I know it and I accept it.
After believing she actually cared about ME and wanting me to be part of her life and that of my precious GC, it is simply a falsehood. When she lived in FL before the estrangement We saw each other...it was easy. Meet in Charleston, SC or Atlanta or whatever. Come to TN for Thanksgiving...I knew it was doable.
But not now. MT is not doable. No she threw me away when she and her husband decided on a lark, no job or anything to move to MT.
So it is what it is. I will text with her BC that's what this generation does instead of actually talking in voice s..I will send things for my GC.....cards on holidays and such. And I will be completely and utterly be alone with absolutely no expectations of her being there for me when I have any kind of need. Truly.
I accept this reality. And it is not fair. And it is unfair for my GC who will not know any of their family on either side.
So I have to rebuild a support system I thought I had. So does she really care about me? No she cares more for herself because if she had any feeling for her family she would not have moved to freaking MONTANA.
So I accept what is with my eyes wide open. And will I spend 2K to fly and stay in MT for a week in a hotel or go on a vacation to say Europe? Will I endure going to MT to stay in a motel BC I can't stay at their house BC there is not a spare bedroom and the three dogs, three cats, and two horses might be a bit much?
Do I honestly think that spending such a small amount of time will make any difference in my GC's lives? And there is no way my daughter will come and see me in TN with all the animals and her husband's refusal to let her do such a thing without him.
So I don't know. I will have to see.
But things are incredibly much improved.
I just wanted to share my thoughts with all of you. And I am reminded that we have today and it is precious. Do not hold onto the pain and suffering and a!low it to rob you of today. It is unworthy to you to be further robbed. Our EC should not be allowed to do such damage in OUR lives. Forgiveness and bitterness do not go hand in hand.
And bitterness is not a place to spend one's time. For me, adjustment in my expectations and in my life's plan was necessary for my sanity and happiness. I am not a doormat. Never have been one nor plan to be one.
My offer of forgiveness in my heart was not condoning my daughter's previous bad behavior, rather it was a demonstration of my love for her and him and my GC. And in all fairness I am physically so far removed that there were no others involved to counteract my efforts!....no other relatives or busybodies getting involved.
My mother and father did write and email my daughter....to encourage her toward reconciliation.
My very best considerations to all who struggle with the impossible. May the Lord love and keep each of you.And may the Lord forgive your trespasses as you forgive those who trespass against you. For the Lord knows the heart.
Has your ED asked you to come live in MT? Have you considered it?
For reasons only God knows, I was put into this terribly dysfunctional family. No Christian values were taught to any of us growing up. In fact, any mention of "God" just puts my mother and sisters on edge.
They have been a BIG part of the estrangement I presently have with my oldest son.
Why God has allowed me to be so emotionally tortured by them, I will only find out when I see Him face to face. It truly makes me run to God and seek Him and His protection. Now I am dealing with them being angry for giving in to their shunning behavior towards me. I didn't try to connect with any of them this past Christmas..first time in my life. This bothered my mother, but what she did not understand is that's the way she's been treating me for most of my life. Interesting that they can "dish it out" but when you reflect the same back to them they become annoyed.
Until they realize that they just can't keep hurting me so badly, I just won't put myself out there for them to continue to treat me like trash. It makes me want to hide from them all..which they don't seem to care about anyway. I was put on the "no invite" list for my mother's 95th..and that's terrible really.
Why?? Because I just might say "God bless you???" I grieve over the loss of these important relationships, and they can accuse me of being a "religious nut" all they want.
"If God is for me...who can be against me??"
Even ungodly families don't treat each other as badly as my family has treated me..I'm getting so used to it that if they started treating me with genuine love and respect..I would be shocked and have trouble believing it.
My heart is broken for my husband, my daughter and my youngest son because they have been treated poorly as well..and it hurts more to see them being treated this way as well. They don't deserve it. It seems that my mother and sisters would hate anyone who truly loves me....and this is such sick family behavior. I pray for them. God is able to work in their lives.
It does hurt me more than anything to know that these unloving sisters and mother are now being allowed into my only grandchild's life..and influencing him to hate a grandmother (me)...that's when I pray to God to break this hate bond they seem to have against me.
I am trying to connect more with others this year. I hope not to let their emotional bullying to get me down because God wants to use my pain for His purposes.
Yes..I do understand your feelings of wanting it all to end. I can't wait for the Lord Jesus' return either...He can come anytime...and what a glorious day that will be!
In Jesus,
Maddie
Would I move to MT? No. I have seen from readings on this site that falling outs are reoccurring to say the least. My daughter has written some very mean spirited words to me over the last two years. She was so hateful of me when she first moved to MT....telling me she did not want me in her life or that of my GC. Would not allow me to be friends on my GC's Facebook...writing a 14 page letter filled with lies and victrol about me and the whole family to my father. Yes, and my mother reading it and telling my dad it was filled with distortions and that my daughter's thinking was terribly distorted. My parents have been divorced for over 30 years..my father lives in SC and my mother lives in GA..but they stay in touch.
And when the anger and shock of her actions and words subsided, we prayed for and continued as a family to reach out.
So I canceled my Facebook account. And then she contacts me months later to tell me she had reconsidered and I could be a friend to my GC....and she assured me she and her husband would not insult me publically if I chose to be part of the Facebook interaction....that my GC were growing so fast and it was a way for ME to stay connected.
I told her I appreciated the invitation but that I had canceled my Facebook account. I was publically attacked by my daughter and her husband back several years back. Horrid things were said about me by them. What embarrassment and humiliation to endure.
No I would never subject myself to such a vunderable situation again.
I will maintain an arms length relationship BC I recognize that like so many on this site, I could so easily be thrown away again. So no, I will be loving and kind but I will not self sacrifice myself for the relationship. It must be mutually respectful.
Why are we as Christians told to love our enemies? We are told it is easy to love those who love us but those who show hatred or disregard for us are more difficult to love. Why are we told to pray for our enemies?
Why are we told that the greatest of all is love? A conundrum for sure. Is it that God is using us for his purpose? And we know God is loving and cares for us....the bible tells us so.
We cannot read the heart of our adversaries whether family member or not.
Maddie's description of her family is so applicable to the difficulty of being a christian and acting appropriately. How to handle such negativity and rejection?
I just don't know. How does one not recoil from such evilness?
But I know in all things God promises to be with us.
My mother who is 88 and I talk of those things not understood...like why after all the suffering would the Lord as described in revelations allow a thousand year rein of Christ on earth to be followed by another humankind rebellion Before Satan and his demons are cast into the bottomless pit? That makes no sense to me.…go thru the rapture, the tribulation, the anti Christ and false prophet, the return of Christ, the new Jerusalem coming down from heaven....live for a millennium AND then let loose Satan and his ilk again on earth?
How does one wrap their brain around that?
So there is a lot I don't understand. But I do know I can look back on my life and see God's interaction in my life.
Free will on the part of others to act horridly is something God cannot stop. He has a plan for mankind, but mankind must be willing to subject themselves to His will. And to date they are unwilling. Just following the ten commandments by mankind would bring peace on earth.
So the Lord can read the heart. My daughter and her husband accepted Jesus Christ as their Savior and as Christians their behavior has fallen short. And the Lord will deal with his own. He loves them but he will hold them accountable as He does all of us.
I find strength in reading my bible and trying to focus on its admonitions in these difficult of times. And I am reminded of the folly of mankind that equates our time on earth as a wisp of smoke when compared to eternity. So when I am faced with the most egregious of circumstances I am reminded of God's promise of eternity where all tears and sadness are wiped away.
Eternity is a very long time. And do not forget Christ speaking of building that which is incorruptible. As we all know we came into this world with nothing and we will leave this world with nothing. Our souls will live on and I know we can trust in the Lord's promise for our eternity.
Not to be too depressing, but look at all the folks who have died,great and small. We all face death alone, just like when we are born...except I am an identical twin. So I had my sister with me :).
So things are complicated. I look back at my choices.... I look back at the things I have endured and I wonder how worse things would be without the Lord in my life. And in all honesty I see mistakes I made along the way...and I see the impact of 'others' in my life. People who have acted badly and those who have acted goodly.
And I cannot see the future and I am not promised tomorrow on this earth, but I am promised an eternity as a believer and follower of Christ.
And when I look at a rose, a sunset, a puppy, a newborn, a mountain range, creation....I see a loving, kind and just creator. He knows our sorrows and our disappointments and our difficulties and I put my trust in him. I ask that he forgive me of my sins and to guide my life. That is how I endure the unendurable.
And Maddie that is how you endure the difficulties that are so overwhelming. I believe because of free will we have those in our lives who can be tormentors. I pretty much try to avoid such as those, but when necessary I will stand up to them.
I don't go out trying to be confrontational. I try to be peaceful and loving, but I will not tolerate abuse. I believe abuse only energizes more abuse. I call it what it is. And no one should tolerate abuse.
My daughter and her husband were verbally abusive and ugly for whatever reason...I think maybe for a sense of entitlement and that they did not get what they wanted...in any case it broke our relationship. I continued to reach out to them in love but not contriteness. I expect to be treated with respect at minimum, but I truly believe they as a couple acted out in an inappropriate way against both their families. Truly his was first than hers....in a text with my daughter we spoke about all that had happened in her life over the last 4 years and one of the things she said to me 'was the lost of her family'....and her happiness in getting some of them back.