CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
At my last posting I told about the gift of a "new" family in my life. Things are going really well with them and we grow closer each day. Our new "daughter" is fighting ovarian and colon cancer stage 4. MJ is only 43 years old with two young kids. Through all of the treatments and doctors appointments somehow she is still trying to work full-time. As the new "grandparents" we get to carpool the kids to their after-school events or babysit them. It is awesome!
But, the estrangement with our son is never far from my mnd. Our son sends us ball schedules and invites to dance recitals but treats us like strangers when we attend the events. The grandkids hardly acknowledge our presents either because they are with their friends and/or participating in their games/dances. Usually, when I attend the kids events our DIL's mother is there. She is friendly enough and tries to make conversation. All she ends up doing is hurting me even more. She will say things like...oh, this is her favorite cheer.....oh, now he really likes this.....things I have no knowledge about concerning my grandchildren. Our DIL's parents have total access to the grandkids. It's all about her family....every holiday and every Sunday. Our son has only been to our home once since last Christmas and that was for a total of about thirty minutes. The entire time he was here he was on his phone. Do you think he was avoiding conversation?
With that said it brings me to the topic of the holidays. I broke down and called my son yesterday. Son answered the phone but told me he would have to call me back. After six hours I broke down and called again. This time no answer. Son did call me back, finally. I told him that the holidays were approaching and I wanted to know their plans. I promised my husband not to call him again about the holidays. If he does not call back I can only assume that they will not be here for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I just want him to honest with me if they are not coming. I don't wait to be waiting for the last minute with no other plans made. Our new family will be here for Christmas and I know I will have someone to be with. I just wish I could have both families.
I will never understand this estrangement. If our DIL hates us so much that's on her. But our son should be able to stand-up and come and/or call us. I do not give him a free pass about this situation. But, I am so tired of trying, and trying, and trying. Having my new family has shown me what "normal" life can be like and I love it.
I will pray for all of us during this holiday season. I know God is control of it all and one day we will see his plan. I just wish I could put the answer on the "fast" track.
Gana
But, the estrangement with our son is never far from my mnd. Our son sends us ball schedules and invites to dance recitals but treats us like strangers when we attend the events. The grandkids hardly acknowledge our presents either because they are with their friends and/or participating in their games/dances. Usually, when I attend the kids events our DIL's mother is there. She is friendly enough and tries to make conversation. All she ends up doing is hurting me even more. She will say things like...oh, this is her favorite cheer.....oh, now he really likes this.....things I have no knowledge about concerning my grandchildren. Our DIL's parents have total access to the grandkids. It's all about her family....every holiday and every Sunday. Our son has only been to our home once since last Christmas and that was for a total of about thirty minutes. The entire time he was here he was on his phone. Do you think he was avoiding conversation?
With that said it brings me to the topic of the holidays. I broke down and called my son yesterday. Son answered the phone but told me he would have to call me back. After six hours I broke down and called again. This time no answer. Son did call me back, finally. I told him that the holidays were approaching and I wanted to know their plans. I promised my husband not to call him again about the holidays. If he does not call back I can only assume that they will not be here for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I just want him to honest with me if they are not coming. I don't wait to be waiting for the last minute with no other plans made. Our new family will be here for Christmas and I know I will have someone to be with. I just wish I could have both families.
I will never understand this estrangement. If our DIL hates us so much that's on her. But our son should be able to stand-up and come and/or call us. I do not give him a free pass about this situation. But, I am so tired of trying, and trying, and trying. Having my new family has shown me what "normal" life can be like and I love it.
I will pray for all of us during this holiday season. I know God is control of it all and one day we will see his plan. I just wish I could put the answer on the "fast" track.
Gana
As I was reading your post, it suddenly occurred to me that I had not even thought about what my ES, DIL and GC's were going to be doing for Thanksgiving. I think I am getting "accustomed" to going through the holidays without expecting anything from them in any form. I think that means I have give up because if we were to suddenly appear where they live 800 miles away, they would just get angrier than they are now. They have their own friends and her family and have routines that we would upset if we showed up on their doorstep by moving - which we have seriously thought about doing I have to admit.
Ooops! I'm rambling one here. But, I do agree that I too wish that my ES would stand up to my DIL - not to go against her or to have marital problems over us because I would not want that either. What I would like to see my son do is to be lovingly firm and tell her that we are not like how she is making out to be and that, as her spouse, he has a right to want his kids to have a relationship with his parents just as he did with his two sets of grandparents.
Thank you for your prayers,
Blessings to you,
GuelsMom
My situation is similar in that our son's wife's side of the family gets to enjoy his child and all the attention goes to her side of the family..nothing for us. Our grandson won't even know what we look like, as before they had their child, and we were once in their home..absolutely no photos of us in their home. They seem to want to erase us from the world, and we are alive and well...just so crazy and hurtful. I understand that part of your estrangement dear friend. Your grandkids know what you look like at least.
And since you have been given the kid's schedules, which tells me your ES still wants you to have some part of his kids' lives...albeit a smaller part, but you are blessed to have that window of opportunity. Like I mentioned, many others of us here, don't even have that to look forward to.
Just be thankful for that blessing at least..it's something.
Instead of waiting to make plans that most likely will never come. Make your plans with your new family. If you have gifts to give your blood family, email or text them and tell them that you have plans for the holidays and won't be around so they will have to make arrangements to pick them up.
Maybe they can pick them up on New Years day when you won't be so busy. ;)
If they respond, let them stew for awhile.
They need to know you will not be pineing away waiting for them any longer.
I spoke with my son yesterday. I called for the first time in five months to tell him that I had the flu and could not attend the ballet recital. So far, no call back to see if I am living or dying.....I also told him that I knew the holidays were approaching and to let us know "their" plans....I refuse to contact him again. If he calls, great. If not, that is on him.
I have tired and tired and tired to find out what we have done wrong.....all we ever get is that nothing wrong,.....we are just busy. Really, busy????? I think that is the only thing our son can say to explain the no phone calls or not visits. I just pray that some where somehow we will one day have a relationsihp.....I also worry about the lies that our grandchildren are being told. I have already heard several things from the kids that are so untrue.....that is why they aren't allowed to talk to us on the phone....never know what's coming out of the mouth of babes....
thanks for letting me vent.....off to our new families house for dinner.... I have not been to our son's house for dinner in six years.....