Yup!

My own siblings have told me I'm to welcome at family functions, so that my EC can attend. My EC talk to my sisters about what is happening, but neither my sisters, nor my EC will talk to me about it.

I made a decision not to attend family functions (i.e. Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas) for one year. I just need a break from the hurt.

I take responsibility for my part in all of it. I'm not perfect and I have made mistakes. It seems, though, that there is a double standard. People in the family can hurt me, insult me, put me down and that's fine. But, if I say the wrong thing everyone gangs up on me and I become the outsider.

Like you, I could go on and on.

I don't know what the answer is, but feel we do need to protect our own emotions.

Annabelle, sorry for pain of your estrangement. Each time we go through an experience line this it seems it takes longer to heal. It takes such an unhealthy toll on us and sets us back from any healing ground we may have made by God's grace. We need to be wise to prevent what to avoid in order to be kind to ourselves if we possible.

Others here have experienced the extended family issue. It seems family often thrive on the pain we are going through and are of no help but actually a hindrance to reconciliation. It is so divisive

As far as cutting off communication if you mean that you are the only one reaching out to no avail then I agree with you. We can not fix this by constantly reaching out while getting no response or negative ones. We can only pray for them and ask God to help us with His loving kindness and grace each day. If your EC should reach out to you then I believe you should respond to them.

Stay with us. We care.

So sorry to hear of your pain. I, too, am experiencing the same situation. My brother and SIL are close to my ES and ex & new wife. It is incredibly painful and has been an 18 year journey thus far. My advise would be NOT to cut off communication, but with God's help, rise above it and forge ahead. Pray for God to grant you the ability to forgive them all, and ultimately be able to show them the love of God, just as God shows us His love. I am finishing a study on forgiveness and can not express in words the awesome power of God's mercy in allowing me to forgive and how it has been life changing.
Blessings to you!

I believe there is a difference between forgiveness and allowing ourselves to be hurt continually.

I don't have any anger towards my family, but I'm not going to allow them to put me down any longer. To do so is a form of self abuse, in my opinion.

Since I am so new at this, my wounds and pain are new. All I know is that I have never experienced anything much worse than this. Never in a million years would I ever think this would happen. I can see, however, where enough is enough. It is good to forgive them - not for them but for yourself. You can regain your health and feel better about yourself by freeing yourself of the burden and pain. Pray to forgive them, let it alone and try to go on with your life. I have had to do that with a few friends from my past. But once you forgive, you can and do feel better. I'm afraid that I am not that far along yet in our estrangement. I feel that I have experienced enough pain but it is also like grief (at least that is my understanding) that you go through stages until you come to acceptance. I believe that perhaps in the case of estrangement the acceptance is forgiiveness and letting go. I really don't know because I still have all the stages to work with since I am still in shock. I don't know if this makes an sense but I hope so.

Whyonlychild, What you wrote makes perfect sense, because confusion is one of the side effects of estrangement.

Forgiveness is something that needs to be done over and over again since there are always glimmers of hope then another blow. Then we must forgive again and resolve once again to move on with our lives.

At this point for me, it is not about forgiveness, as I feel like I have forgiven (and continue to forgive) their actions. It is about how much emotional pain (which almost feels like a physical pain to me) I can continue to endure. When I open some of the emails, or get the phone messages, I feel an emotional pain, and a physical pain, almost as if I had been kicked hard in the chest (and, no, I don't have cardiac issues - at least, not yet!). Continuing to be subject to painful/hurtful interactions, without signs that the hurtful parts will cease or improve, does not seem to be wise. Thanks again, all, as I know you understand the agony of these situations. Even if each of our situations is unique, there are many common threads. Prayers for all of you.

annabelle, to answer one of your questions, my extended family also has a history of several estrangements through the generations. My Mother was never close to her family and kept her distance from them all of her life. In 1990 my Mother turned on me viciously because in a conversation we were having I reminded her of the time my older brother pinned me down and burned my legs in several different places with the end of his lit cigarette. She had blocked it out and accused me of lying, even though I told her I still had the scars. She said hateful and dishonest things about me to other family members who were only too eager to side with The Matriarch of the family out of jealousy towards me. It was awful. I was spiraling down fast. I got some counseling and through counseling I learned to "cut the proverbial apron string" and get away from my dysfunctional family to save my sanity So as torturous and painful as it was, I estranged myself from the whole family and quit beating my head against a brick wall trying to reconcile. I didn't announce that I was going to estrange myself, I just did it quietly without saying anything and they soon got the picture with the silence on my end. It was painful, but not as painful as hitting my head against a brick wall trying to reconcile and getting rebuffed every time. It took a toll on my physically and emotionally and my husband of 7 years asked for a divorce. Then after several years my Mother wanted to reconcile with me because my two older sisters had estranged themselves from her. Then one of my sister's daughters estranged herself from the whole family, including her Mom. And it goes on and on. Like you said, "It's complex and messy and it only gets messier." It is very sad.

My policy has pretty much been to not burn bridges when an estrangement occurs, then there is a door open for reconciliation after things have cooled down. Sometimes it makes things worse to reach out too soon. In my case, I have learned that sometimes time apart and giving them their space helps. It also saves me from getting jerked around and rebuffed repeatedly.

My ED is my only child and we are now estranged after I finally got my fill of her utter rudeness and disrespect towards me. On our last visit in February I had enough and I calmly let her know she was being rude and she wasn't used to me speaking up like that. She went ballistic on me and wouldn't quit until I walked out the door. But I'm still leaving a door open and hopefully, after some time goes by, we can reconcile and she might be a little more respectful towards me. I don't know though. A pattern has been set and she has a very strong, forceful personality, like my Mother did. (The irony of it.) She's an extrovert and I am very much an introvert. So it will be easy to fall back into that same pattern of me walking on eggshells to keep the peace while she jerks me around. I am so worn out I don't think I could take much more of that. So I will be on guard. That's sad. I love her and my GS's very much and miss them terribly. I hope and pray that we can get through this. But if we do, I don't think it will ever be the same. But it will be better than estrangement. That's where I'm at now.

I don't know if that helps you or not. It's just my story and what has and hasn't worked for me in a dysfunctional family with a history of estrangements through the generations. Take care of yourself. God bless.

Hi Annebelle, You ask about a history of estrangement and Springwater has a history too. In my family and my DH's there was no history. But in my DIL's family there is. She hasn't spoken to two of her sisters and a brother in years. I don't entirely blame her for my ES and GC being estranged from us but it does make me wonder if her history has influenced my ES. It appeared so easy for her to leave when she had a disagreement with my DH. And we have been estranged since. A previous post talked about estrangement being inherited. I don't think that it is but rather, when there is a disagreement some people have a tendency to walk away. Sometimes for their own safety but sometimes because it is a learned method to deal with a distasteful situation.

This site is so wonderful. it makes you think and its a comfort that we are not alone. Blessings.

Annabelle-
YES, I am done!! I have decided to give my ED's what they want!! NO CONTACT!! I have been sending birthday cards, holiday cards and even sent the oldest a wedding gift (she got married May 17th-of course I wasn't invited or included in ANY of the planning, but the groom's mother-who sexually abused him was there, as was my ex-NOT their father and his new wife (he also performed the ceremony???) Anyway, after not getting as much as a text message after receiving the wedding gift or any other acknowledgement in almost 2 years-I am not going to keep up sending things when their silence speaks volumes to me!!! I don't know how much we are "expected" to take from our EC's and how much they enjoy inflicting heartache, but I'm done. they are dead to me (for now). My youngest is going to be 23 on Saturday and she is NOT getting a card this year!! They want it, they got it!!! I have a life to live and right now it doesn't include being treated like garbage and disrespected and made fun of all the time. They can have their "fantasy" life-I will live my life the way God wants me to-happy, joyous and FREE!!!

Texas, Congratulations! Although something about that decision always seems wrong, I believe it is the only way we will ever have peace. I also believe it's the only way our EC will ever want to rejoin our lives--if they see us happy and fulfilled.

It's not easy though. There isn't a switch we push that just turns off our feelings of longing. I'll be praying for you.

I sometimes wish I had written a book about my family (extended and immediate). The triangulation patterns (mentioned by someone in another discussion stream) are impressive! My "family" (my 90-year-old mother, my brother, his wife, their 2 adult sons, and my 2 ES, DILs, and 4 GC) are having a reunion this weekend, and I wasn't invited. I wouldn't have known about it except one of my ES told me he would rather spend time with the others at the family reunion than to spend some one-on-one time just with my husband and me. (The reunion is being held in Asheville, NC, both my sons are from CA, and my brother and sons live in GA, as we do.) I have decided to deactivate my facebook (to avoid seeing pictures of an event from which I was excluded,), to have any emails forwarded so my DH can review them to try to make sure I protect myself from additional hurt (his idea, as he said he will make sure anything showing desire for reconciliation be shared with me immediately but he wants to protect me from the ongoing, seemingly endless hurt), and to block cell phone calls/messages for this season. All contacts end up being hurtful anyway, or with promises to call/visit, etc., that don't happen.... I know it seems extreme, but that is what I need to do for now. I get it, Texas Sunshine!

Annabelle,
You are NOT going to the extreme, although I wouldn't deactivate MY FB account! I'd block all of them (they won't know unless they try to contact you-and they won't be able to see your profile)-so you won't see any pictures or even their pages at all!! I love the blocking feature! My youngest ED's birthday is tomorrow-she will be 23-she is NOT getting a card or any acknowledgement. I know that seems not right or the Christian thing to do, but I have been doing the "right thing" for almost 2 years and NOTHING from them!! I look at it as giving them what they want. I feel bad for them really, they will have many, many regrets in later years and God will deal with them. they aren't Christian but I am and when I go to heaven, God will judge me as He will judge them. I am protecting my heart from further hurt and from the devil. He is ready to use this estrangement for his advantage and I refuse to let him do that to me! Stay strong Annabelle-you are worth it!!

From a lot of the past posts that I have read, some feel led to send occassional notes, cards and emails but I think each situation is different due to the dynamics of the relationship and their personalities. What the reasons for the estrangement are is also important I think.