CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Trust - Its so important. It does have to be earned. Many of us lost trust in our EC because of the many hurts of the past.
Some of us through brief encounters toward reconciliation with our EC have seen things backfire and once again trust has been shattered. In other cases trust is slowly being regained as we move toward reconcilation, step by step and day by day.
What I have found is that even though we do need to set our boundaries with our EC, if we are to move forward and build trust, we have to be willing to experience the ups and downs of all relationships. I am not saying we have to take abuse or pretend things aren't hurtful, but we have to be willling to give it a chance and to realize that the road to reconciliation isn't going to be picture perfect. Our part in building that trust is just as important as their part.
"Love believes all things. It hopes all things. It holds no record of wrongs."
Some of us through brief encounters toward reconciliation with our EC have seen things backfire and once again trust has been shattered. In other cases trust is slowly being regained as we move toward reconcilation, step by step and day by day.
What I have found is that even though we do need to set our boundaries with our EC, if we are to move forward and build trust, we have to be willing to experience the ups and downs of all relationships. I am not saying we have to take abuse or pretend things aren't hurtful, but we have to be willling to give it a chance and to realize that the road to reconciliation isn't going to be picture perfect. Our part in building that trust is just as important as their part.
"Love believes all things. It hopes all things. It holds no record of wrongs."
What keeps us estranged is the impossibility of building a relationship without trust. It's impossible. We've tested the waters time after time. Our ED contacted us via email this morning with some dreadful family news. I wish we could respond, but there's no way to communicate outside the bonds of trust. She ignores our boundaries while demanding her own, which keeps us at a complete stale mate.
My husband and I just keep praying that God will move and show us what to do and when to do it.
-Blue
I think too that we are going to have to keep in mind that they are not going to trust without hesitation either. When they come to the peace table, they are just as firm in their beliefs that we are wrong in our beliefs as well as the way we have acted at times.
I believe of the utmost importance is to not let the unimportant stuff prevents progress from going forward. Ignoring a lot of the things that seem to always get "added to the mix" in situations like this, need to be set aside for the larger issues that brought it about in the first place.
Keeping the "feelings" out of it and dealing with the facts are also important too. "Feelings" for the most part involve our PRIDE. Pride shouldn't stand in the way of progress.
Good thoughts!
Rebuilding and earning trust depends on the individual that has betrayed the trust. They are responsible to make things right and that can be done by agreeing to stop the behavior that has destroyed the trust.
When married couples have a problem with adultery the individual that caused the adultery has to create an enviornment of trust once again with their spouse. This can be done with both individuals as to what would be acceptable to the other spouse. Its not about keeping records of rights and wrongs, its changing the behavior. If the other person does not want to change the behavior, trust cannot develop.
God calls us to be wise, and loving...but not doormats. Some people don't want to change and that's ok...that's their choice! And we have the choice of whether we want to throw our "pearls to the swine." If people don't accept the responsibility of changing then we need to go towards the individuals who embrace our Love.
We cannot force someone to change their behaviors, but we can choose to love them from a distance.
Pearl
None of us has never done wrong. Remember Mary Magdeline? Remember how the crowd was about to stone her and Jesus said unto them, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her". None of us can cast that stone. I think that's part of not holding records of wrongs - it called forgiving and forgetting as Jesus does with our sins. He never remembers them again. He wipes them away as far as the north is from the south, as far as the east is from the west.
Yes, I agree with Pearl that the person who broke the trust has to earn it back and we do have to be wise and discerning, but trust, love and forgiveness is part of the process we must be willling to be open to gie reconciliation a chance.
Estrangements with these types of resolution is going to require a little more than forgiveness for broken trust. The homosexual does not commit acts of sin against the parents but against God. The parents do need to see that person as God sees his sin - no different than our sins of omission or commission. God doesn't sees sin in degrees. Humans do. That makes it harder for us humans to let down our guard and trust with abandon someone who has been seriously untrustworthy. Because of my DIL's very clever manipulation with the English language to subtly sling insults by innuendo rather than by directly saying what she is thinking, it would take me a very, very long time to believe that what she was saying was not a "hidden" insult.
I think that before trusting our EK's again, like you say, trust, love and forgiveness is an essential part of the process that we must be "willing" to be open to in order to give reconciliation a chance though. You have to start somewhere.
There are some things that I think can go a long ways to improving relationships too. Good communication is an essential ingredient that really has to be first and foremost after reconciliation becomes a goal of all parties involved.
Asking questions for better understanding of what they are concerned about, listening to what they are saying to you and not assuming what the other person's motives are can be just as important as anything else.
Learning to compromise on the unimportant stuff while remaining true to God's Word requires seeking God's wisdom constantly like never before too I think.
Anther thing that helps to push reconciliation and trust along is to give positive reinforcement over the smallest degrees of progress that they are making.
But, more than anything else, I think that respect for the person is crucial no matter who they are or what their lifestyle is or has been.
All this is probably included in what you were saying but these are things that came to my mind as I read your wonderful and insightful post.
Best wishes for the New Year to you!
I read your posts on the other site and Wow did you get alot of responses. Guess Trust is a personal experience for everyone.
Good Post!
Pearl