I'm new here...but I have been reading all your messages and while I feel very heavy hearted in the stories, I realize we are all not alone. We are ALL fighting a spiritual battle that is bigger than what we see.

My daughter left on her 18th birthday four months ago. She moved in with a young guy she works with. Someone last year when she was 16 almost 17, that we told her we did not want her dating (he was 23). Turns out she did anyway, behind our backs, using work as a "front" much of the time. We know this only through the grapevine and in putting two and two together from facebook stuff, etc. She still refuses to tell us where she is or even acknowledge that this guy exists to us.

She has had a lot of hostility to us through the years. She is smart but very very stubborn and has a history of having been extremely self centered, unfortunately, feeling she was entitled to "more" . It seemed like no matter how many sacrifices we made for her (think...driving an hour in horrendous ice and snow several times to get her to work and back instead of her just calling out ...etc, refusing to understand why she could not spend the night at a friend's home that was always full of the older brother's friends all night and punishing us with extreme anger when we laid down ground rules, etc)
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We have always homeschooled and been a close family and she has three younger siblings.
Four years ago my father passed away. At that time she seemed to just not even react. There didn't seem to be any sadness or sorrow. I'm not saying she didn't have it, but she was just very clinical at the time. It was a horrible shock and was totally unexpected. Part of me wonders if she became emotionally detached to protect herself from losing anyone else at that time because we have never been able to talk with her. About anything deep. we would try to get at what she felt about things -anything, and she would just shut down completely. Nine months before he died, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had several surgeries and four months of chemo treatment. Also not easy for a child to see her mother go through.

For the past several years she has just been totally distant. If we tried to touch her or hug her she would jerk away, etc.
People kept saying "It's a teenage thing. It's a phase". So we just tried to be as patient as we could while at the same time sticking to our guns about rules and expectations we had of her responsibilties and behavior. We tried love bombs - we tried playing hard ball. I feel like we tried it all.

So we transported her to and from work every day and sometimes as late as 11 at night. a 25 mile round trip but we felt that since this was helping her save for school and a car, it was well worth it. She really enjoyed her job and we allowed her more independence. Her behavior improved and she started really growing up. I was so proud of her! Conflict was there but was fairly minimal.

Because little did we know she was on "good behavior" for many months because she was plotting and planning.

Two days before her 18th birthday, she drained her bank account, told us she was leaving after her birthday and refused to tell us where she was going or who she was going with, except that she was moving in "with a friend" and they had it all "figured out".

. She gave us a note that basically said "this isn't anything you've done or haven't done - it's what I want to do with my life. It was your responsibility to raise me until I turned 18 and now I'm on my own". (??)

We came home from church on her birthday and she was gone.

That was it. Two days later she came and got all the rest of her stuff. While she was here, my mom was here. My mom asked if we could pray and she said yes. So we sat in the living room - my mom and I taking turns and praying and crying while my daughter just sat and stared at the floor.
Afterwards she walked out.

My husband is so hurting. They were so close - he could communicate with her better than any of us.
The hard part is the PARTIAL estrangement. ANd the "reality" that we realize how lie after lie just unfolded. We are still in the realization process of the lies she told and how much she manipulated us to get what she wanted.

We invited her home to bake cookies before Christmas. She came and it was good but totally "fake" and surface. and she left.

I missed her so terribly on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning but she did agree to come at 2 on Christmas day.
She did not even respond to a Thanksgiving invitation by my brother and SIL. but she did come here two days later for dinner.

So it's this sorta "back and forth" and it's so HARD because it builds false hope. False hope that she really does miss us and really does care. My husband wrote her in December and said "You don't need an invitation - you can come here when you want"

but she doesn't.

After Christmas my husband wrote her and thanked her for the presents she brought and said "I know finances must be tight - wanted to thank you and say that was a really classy thing to do".

She ignored it.
She never thanked us for what we gave her.

It's the constant confusion that is so hard. I go along and I'm okay and then I have days where it all comes down. . Or I'll be in a store and just well up with tears because something reminds me of the beautiful little girl I once knew. And I long to know her again. But I don't know her anymore. I just don't understand.

I struggle to understand her lack of empathy to all of us. It's just not there. She used us to gain what she wanted - and then disposed of us. Once she learned to drive, she was lying about going to work and used my car to see her boyfriend-- the car that I needed for my business and for the other children. And yet she would balk when we charged her gas money. She felt it was unfair that she had to pay toward gas and auto insurance because she has a wealthy friend whose parents gave her a car before she could even drive and pay for everything for her. We simply can't do that.

So we're stuck in this weird world of "limbo". I love her but I will not chase after her anymore. My husband wrote her weeks ago that he wants to have a "real" relationship with her- not this phony stuff. He asked why we can't meet her boyfriend? If she gets married and has a child, will we never be part of that either? He said "I know what kind of life you are living and that is your choice...but at least have the courage to be truthful with us"

But she does not want us to be part of her life. She doesn't want HIM to be part of our family.

I honestly honestly do not know how I would get through this without the Lord.
I keep proclaiming HIS promises over her. She knew the Lord -she was, I thought, a strong believer at 12 or 13. She has fallen so far away. SHe has hardened her heart so much that she really does not care about anyone but herself anymore.

by the way, my screen name is the phrase Jesus spoke to the dead child "Little girl, get up!" They are my words for my daughter's spirit - to rise up and know who she is in Christ.

I read your stories and they all resonate with the same sound - adult children who really have no empathy or true compassion to their parents; children for whom one of the most sacred bonds of child to parent has been "snapped" and just "isn't there".
It's evil and it's not the way God designed things to be. May we all have the courage to continue to pray for our loved ones ot be redeemed from the enemy's lies.