Oh, boy, I go through this "you're buying too much" with my folks too. Hard to believe they grew up in the Depression, when you bought stuff ahead when it was cheap and hoarded it. And the "all you care about is your convenience" guilt trip is familiar, too.

If you can still reach him with logic, keep a spreadsheet of how many they go through and what it costs, and what price advantages there might be for buying in greater quantity; e.g., "See right here? Average use is x per month, and there are y per case, and if we order only 1 case a month, it's $50 but if we order two cases it's only $75, which is only $35 per case, plus you don't have to order again for another month." Stuff like that. If he can't understand, you'll have to put up with it. Believe me, there's no arguing with them when they get stubborn like that.

The social worker is an excellent idea and will be so much help. I am going to sound like a broken record (or like I'm getting a commission or something for recommending this book, but I'm not) but I really have nothing but praise for "The Thirty-Six Hour Day." I have two co-workers, both of whom had parents with dementia, and one of the co-authors of the book, Miriam Aronson, was the gerontologist who helped them do the assessments of their parents and got them the help they need. It has a lot of practical advice in it on caregivers for elders with dementia, from legal to medical to practical. Maybe your local library has it. If you can get past the first chapter (which is pretty sobering), you can pick and choose from the rest of the book based on topic. See if your local library has it. Hope this helps!

I am not at that point yet but I am sure Pounder and Bridges can give you some advice on how to deal with him better. I just had an episode with Mom today and feel totally down and out because of it. No matter how hard I try I cannot help her feel secure or happy. I don't know what to do anymore. It's constant since she lives with us and I'm so tired today. Tomorrow I am going to get the book 36 Hour Day (I think that's the name - it's on a previous post by Bridges). I am thankful I am not fighting with Mom and that she is not in an angry phase (hopefully it never comes to that) but the paranoia, the demanding, the pouting, etc. is just too much sometimes. I love her and she has been an amazing Mom but the person living here is not the same person anymore. My husband has told me that I just don't like seeing what she's become. I feel so guilty b/c that makes me a bad daughter after she's been such a great Mom. I'm rambling. I'm sorry.

As far as the Medicaid, I did have to do all of the paperwork for Daddy to be switched to from Medicare to Medicaid and I had help from the people at Hospice. It was a ton of paperwork but it was able to be done. It is really great that you have someone you know that can help you with this. Daddy was able to qualify but not Mom as of yet. The spouse is allowed to have certain assets. It took about 30 days but he got approved. You should do fine with the social worker's help.

I am so sorry he made you feel badly. I know from what I've read here today that he really doesn't mean it and we shouldn't take it to heart but it is just so hard not to. You are doing so much. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs to you, Kim

My wise sisters Kim and Bridges have again provided great guidance. Understanding this disease, being prepared, not sweating the small stuff and remembering that it is the disease, not them when they rage is my best aresonal. Not always easy, the tears still come, frustration is a passager on my back daily, but when I look deep in my Father's eyes, I still see him deep down there, and once in awhile he comes back up for air and reappears. When he does, it's like heaven.

Now with that said...I find that if something really is upsetting for him, that it's easier to give in or find a way to make it seem that way. Diapers...buy them how you want and bring them over periodically maybe? Save a bag from the store he wants them from? My Father only wanted Dinty Moore Beef Stew for about 6 months...no idea why. But, I found microwave containers for it, washed them out, put whatever I made him for dinner in it and to him it was great stew...this is a very intelligent man, but their minds play very strange tricks on them.

The social worker should be able to provide you guidance and will know how to calmly approach your parents. Make a list of questions you have for them and for you and give them to the social worker outside of the visit if needed. I have to write things down or I get lost in these meetings. Let your Dad talk and represent himself as much as possible. A lot of this frustration is over losing the ability to control anything in their lives and I would be frustrated with that too.

Keep us posted, take really deep breaths and ask the social worker about how you can take care of you too. There are resources to help, support groups, respite care, counseling, volunteers. Use them and dont be afraid to ask every question you have. Knowledge is power. We may not be able to cure their ails, but we can help soften and ease the pain when it comes if we know as much as possible.

35 Hour Day....good book.
Brain and Behavior is another one that is a great resource.

Hang in there and tell us how it goes.

Boy, I'm long winded today, sorry.

Cathy

I can relate to the sarcastic comments, insinuating that I am doing things for him to suit my own needs. It's very frustrating and hurtful to hear. My Dad now needs 24 hour care. He insists on staying in his home, so we've all had to adjust to having someone here every day and night. My Dad makes comments like "Since you WANT to sleep at night, instead of helping me, I have to pay these people to help me." and "You don't want this job (being his full time caregiver) because you'd rather work so you can get out of the house, so I have to pay someone else to help me." and "I'm paying the caregivers for you. I hope you're happy."

It's very difficult to hear and to take day after day.

They at times seem to thrive on handing out guilt. But like Pounder told me once, it is probably because they feel the loss of independence. So maybe it is the only way they can still feel like the parent.

Hi there, Bridges. It's been a while since we've exchanged notes and e-mails. I hope you're holding up okay. Nice to "meet" you, DaughterofPD. How nice to see some activity again here in "the children's corner!"

2011 was a REALLY rough year for my parents and I, much of which year I (an only child) spent as caregiver for both parents. I'm finally coming up for some air and really relate to what's been writing...gee, do I relate! Here's what we're subjected to and suffering from: it's called F.O.G. -- fear, obligation and guilt. I've started doing some reading about setting healthy emotional boundaries, which has been helpful to ward off all the F.O.G., although there's plenty still filtering through! I'm finding that, since no one is taking care of me, I need to do it, and that starts with not beating myself up as much for not being the perfect daughter, or even a good one anymore, apparently, in my parents eyes, even though I've put my entire life, personally and professionally, on hold to care for them for a year. It's a daily struggle, but I'm starting to rebuild my life. It's either that or going down with the ship, and I'm not ready yet to call it quits! Looking forward to on-going "conversations," if interested.

Oops..In Par. 2, I meant "what's been written..."