Children of Parents with PD Community Group
My Mom has PD and I am her sole caregiver. I am here seeking support, advice, new treatment options, information and I thought this might help all of us "kids" who are looking to help their parent and themselves as this is a joint journey to some extent.
What have all of you accomplished in regards to your parent's finances? My Dad pays for his own caregivers, with my guidance and assistance with scheduling. My Dad has a will and his assets in trusts. When he passes (hopefully a long long time from now), everything will come to me. Until then, I am holding my breath, hoping he stays well enough to continue going to the bank, transfering money and making it possible to pay for his groceries, caregivers and household expenses.
My Dad is very stubborn. He refuses to add me to his accounts, sign a power of attorney, etc. My Dad's paranoia is becoming a real problem. His condition has worsened a great deal in the last six months. He has PD dymensia, and frequent 'offs'. We don't know what his condition will be from minute to minute. I have explained that he's going to leave me in a terrible position if we don't make some changes. I'll be responsible for handling everything, but won't be able to afford it. He just doesn't undersand. He can't comprehend what I'm saying. He only thinks I'm trying to gain control of his assets. He doesn't trust anyone any more. I don't know what to do.
Do any of you have things in place already? Was it difficult for you to convince your parent to do so?
My Dad is very stubborn. He refuses to add me to his accounts, sign a power of attorney, etc. My Dad's paranoia is becoming a real problem. His condition has worsened a great deal in the last six months. He has PD dymensia, and frequent 'offs'. We don't know what his condition will be from minute to minute. I have explained that he's going to leave me in a terrible position if we don't make some changes. I'll be responsible for handling everything, but won't be able to afford it. He just doesn't undersand. He can't comprehend what I'm saying. He only thinks I'm trying to gain control of his assets. He doesn't trust anyone any more. I don't know what to do.
Do any of you have things in place already? Was it difficult for you to convince your parent to do so?
My father stayed fairly coherent for several years so he never wanted to do anything about the finances, and I couldn't really reason with him about it. Once my MOTHER was diagnosed with dementia, though--just this past fall--I was able to leverage what the doctor told me about HER. Which was, "get their finances in order while she is still competent. And I'll attest that she IS still competent." I was then able to say "Mommy is sick now, too, and can't take care of you or the finances any more. We have to do something." So then I got Power of Attorney, and Healthcare Proxy (formerly, they were that for each other). They already had wills, so we left them alone, though in theory the nursing home could end up getting it all. I also (due to their age) got named as the person to take care of their funeral arrangements, via a document in our state called Disposition of Remains.
Paranoia is a real problem with dementia--there's no two ways about it, and it's very difficult to get around. Normally, you need an impartial third party or someone they really trust to break the bad news to them. In other words, they might be suspicious if YOU tell them something (unfortunately) but will believe it if they hear it on the "Dr. Oz" show or their attorney or doctor tells them.
I wish they had let me intervene sooner but I am glad that they let me intervene at all.
The current argument is about their moving back into their house. They have complained bitterly for the entire time they have lived here (since July of 2009) about my moving them out of their home (it was for their own safety) and now that I am offering my Mom to have Dad come home from the NH to that house, she absolutely refuses to even consider it. So much for all the guilt trips and recriminations about how she can't find anything, she never wanted to come here, she was never happy here, etc. Now that she can go back there (with a 24-hour aide, because it's come down to that) I think she is scared I will just dump them there and never spend any time with them any more because she has made herself such a pain in the neck. I don't expect gratitude or praise; I do this because it is my duty as a daughter, and because I love them. But at least my Mom doesn't have to berate me for doing the right and loving thing. Well, I think I've gotten her number and that she will not be laying any guilt trips about the house on me anymore. I really wish they would go back there now with the aide until their money runs out because at least then I would have some kind of life and what's left of my sanity. I love them, but I was not cut out for this, and after having been transferred (not by choice) to a very stressful job it is just too much to take. I am currently hugging my cat, as nightly kitty therapy right before bedtime is seemingly the only thing keeping me sane.
Introducing in-home care is easier when there is a hospital discharge. In a lot of cases, the hospital won't even discharge unless there is care in place. So yes, that IS another way to introduce the idea of outsiders helping.