Children Of Bipolar Parents Community Group
This is a place where those of us who have Parents struggling with Bipolar.I have started this group because my Dad is very sick and I myself have so many questions and need support.So I figured I can't be the only one who is going through this tramatic time.Everyday I wake up hoping to hear the life and soul put back into my Father.It's been three months...
I am 34 years old and have an undiagnosed bipolar mother. She has these episodes where she is horrible to me. Calling me a horrible mother, lazy, my kids are bad, generally saying very hurtful things that are not at all true. After these episodes she doesnt want to talk about it and just move on like nothing happened. She also remembers the episode very differently than reality. She thinks she said and did things differently and very often makes up things that are totally detached from reality. Its hard to even speak to her because she isnt even speaking the truth. I have dealt with this for a very long time and as she gets older (almost 70) it is getting worse. She had an eposide recently were she SCREAMED at my 5 and 7 year olds. In there face, out of control, out of her mind, lost it completely. She was screaming at me, I told my children to leave the room to get them out of the situation as fast as possible and my 5 year old stopped and said "please stop yelling at my mommy". That is when my mom lost it. She screamed in her face and told them to get out of her house. We left and of course my kids are tramatized. They do not want to see her and were crying and very scared. She called last night after months of no contact and said she wanted to apologize to them. I let her. Then when she was talking to just me she said she never yelled at them and made fun of me when I said I went to counseling to work through my feelings. She said she was mad that my kid told her "it is your fault". But that truly is not at all what happened or what was said- and even if it is- you cant scream at my baby like that no matter what she said. She is toxic and has now hurt my children also. She then asked to video chat the kids and asked if maybe she could fly to see us in a few months. WHAT???? Like acting like nothing happened. Please tell me I am not alone. I dont know what to do. I dont know weather to just keep our distance and have as little contact as possible or tell her we are done and to not contact us. The issue is I have 3 siblings and family that she doesnt do this to. Most of her episodes are aimed at me. I love my family and dont want our lack of relationship to affect my relationship with my siblings that I love very much. Any advice or anyone going through something similar?
I was terrified to have kids being afraid that I'd be the same to them as she was to me growing up. She has always been mentally ill but never sought help until I was 18 and my Dad and I had to call an ambulance to have her committed. She was trying to hurt herself and us, slamming my arm in a door, then locked her self in the bathroom punching a hole through the wall, calling us horrible things and threatening to kill herself. This was her usual behavior when she was having her manic episodes. Then she'd go into a deep, dark depression for days, sometimes weeks. I remember coming into her room to check on her and she was asleep. She had written "Fat Pig" on her face with lipstick. The scary part was it was written in reverse so when she looked in the mirror she could read it. She'd apologize for her behavior when she came out of her depression and she'd be "normal" for a day or so until something or someone triggered another manic episode and it would start all over again.
When I did have kids I had to learn empathy and compassion. Growing up with a bipolar mother I never had that from her. I feel as if I raised myself and my younger brother, often times taking him out of the house to protect him from her verbal and mental abuse. She divorced my Biological Father when I was 9 and remarried when I was 10. Her new husband (who became my Dad) had his own issues (PTSD from the Vietnam war and serious OCD) and they would fight constantly. However, with him, everything was about her. She always came first.
When I had my kids I made a vow to myself that I would not repeat the pattern (my Grandmother was also abusive and probably Bipolar). Luckily my husband whom I have been with since I was 17, has a strong head on his shoulders and has helped me cope with my Mother and has been the strength I needed and still need to keep our kids shielded from the burden of mental illness. My boys, despite their Grandmother, tell me they had the best childhoods. I'm proud of that statement. I know I could never say that.
Bottom line is, it doesn't get easier but you DO have to put your kids and your own family first. You DO have to protect your own mental health. We love our Mothers but it's very easy not to like them. We have suffered so much at the hands of her mental illness.
I hope everyone here remains strong and resilient. Together we will persevere.
When the criticism is fair or true, it is a relief... I can at least do something to remedy the situation.
Horribly, sometimes you get criticism from people who just speak without thinking or who speak without knowing enough and when the criticism is not right, I just feel in a flight mode... Struggle to speak up and point out the inaccuracies, can't even identify the inaccuracies.
This is due to decades of training in not 'talking back', learning to accept criticism without question, accept every negative comment real or not, ...
How does it come that even though I am aware of all of this, I still question myself to the point of rumination when an unfair situation occurs?