Hello, I am 22 years old and as a soon to be college graduate, i am trying to navigate myself more and understand why I am the way I am... just some pre-graduation soul searching I guess.

Last week my mother, sister, my sisters boyfriend and two of her friends came on a trip that my mom planned to Mexico.

My mom has severe bipolar disorder which causes her to be frequently manic. Her mania often results in frequent irritabilty, frustration, and anger over really small things. for instance, she will hold a million different items in her hands, drop one, and then huff and puff and throw her hands in the air and stomp like toddler. 

I have been trying to talk to her more about exploring herself and her needs as i have tried doing for myself the past few years. After being raped my freshman year, I was feeling really depressed and gained some weight until one day I took it upon myself to get out of my depression and stop feeling guilty about what happened to me. It was not easy and I can honestly say my entire life is forever changed, feeling at peace most of my days and having higher standards for men and much more. However, when i am around my bipolar mom I cannot feel that way. My energy is constantly feeding into hers, and when she gets irritable over small, avoidable situations, i get really mad. This anger is something I have genuinley never experienced around anyone else. 

Our trip to mexico was alot of fun, but my mom recently stopped taking her newly perscriped medication (she has only ever been on medication for a month at most and maybe only twice in her life did she attempt to get on it and take it everyday, shes 56.) As I said earlier, shes usually manic, and when she drinks, she will have only one or two glasses, and she is manic to another level. She is unable to control her facial expressions, unaware of social cues, highly emotional, overly senstive, and overall embarrassing to be around. 

I feel like my anger is really putting a bridge in our relationship, but I think its also coming from alot of built up resentment. After going through my own little enligtenment, i am frustrated that she can not do the same. I know it is a disease and i know she can't help it, but it is making me unable to control my anger. She ruins literally every event- we got in multiple screaming fights in mexico, one of which happened because i asked her not to take all the chips for the guacamole we ordered for the table...

We got in constant arguments over the smallest things. I know i have to change my approach with her, but i cannot keep letting her go around making everyone around her miserable. People can feel her energy from a mile away and it is obvious and depressing for me to see.

She is such a great person and has seen alot of hardships as she was the only 1 out of her 3 siblings to be physically abused by her recently deceased mother. She is a nurturing woman who is smart in her ways (progressive, caring, compassionate) and is always looking to help other people around her. That is always what kept me on her side.

My parents are divorced and my dad has constantly tried to keep my mom at a distance from me but i would never allow it. I was never sat down and told my mom had bipolar while my parents were together, it was not until later on in life and while my dad was feeling spiteful towards her. My dad took care of my sister and i after their divorce, providing us with a beuatiful home, all the newest technology, and our own comfortable rooms. My mom could never provide this for us, she relied on weird people she met while bartending to rent out her house as her main source of income, giving my sister and I's rooms to strangers. Going to her house was weird because i felt comfortable sometimes but mostly not comfortable, and to overcompensate for my discomfort i held on to her good moments tightly in my mind and tried to diminish the rest in an attempt to feel some stability from her.

When she is feeling loving, her love is infectious and so warm. But the more i come to realize her inability to change, the less that all seems to matter.

I want to have a good relationship with her and i want her to be okay. She hasnt had a job since august (it is now march) and she is constantly making excuses for why. her credit cards are all maxed out and like i said, she just took me and my sister and her friends to a luxury vacation in mexico. The hotel room was bigger than her own house. These signs are all so obvious to me that her problem is severe but to her it is all just normal. I dont know what to do or where to channel my anger or how to accept the disease and her as a person.

Thank you so much for listening!