I’m very distressed. My mother suffers from bipolar disorder. It is very very severe and she is in complete denial about it. She genuinely thinks that everybody is evil and out to get her. For a long time I was sure she was suffering as a paranoid schizophrenic. I am not a medical professional and have no means to say that it’s that for sure. However, she is quite delusional to the point where she genuinely thinks there are a group of people out to get here (when I ask about specifics she is unable to provide details and gets flustered), anybody that pisses her off her way of coping is saying that they are crazy and stupid and she’s going to send them to jail ( even if they were being rational and trying to help her). 

She was raised in a family of 5 sisters and 1 brother. Every single family member has cut off contact with her. She was always very very rude and acted very entitled and always called them pigs and say they are fat and jealous of her. For no rational reason she’d do this. I stopped living with her in 5th grade because it just not right for someone to live in a negative hostile environment that she provided. When I was about 11 years old she made me cry and I felt traumatized a little and got very very nasty towards me and accused me of stealing her paperwork for some bullshit I can’t even remember and was convinced I gave it to the people “out to get her.” I was in 6th grade like what? So many random incidents like this when I was younger and  she’d think there were like cameras in the house. She’s came at my aunt with like a knife before. I used to watch my aunts and her get into really bad physical fights. They had a really rough time growing up and were poor. So my mom has me at 24 and they were all in their 20s still growing up too. 

All 5 of her sisters, my aunts, are like Moms to me in very special ways. They are the ones that took care of me, paid for my expenses as a child, provided me shelter because my mom cannot hold down a single job. They weren’t always great because they were younger than my mom and were not expecting to take on a whole child... they themselves were trial free and figuring shit out for themselves. I love them so much and our relationships are close, I live with 2 of my aunts. They didn’t cut off contact with her until I grew up a little bit and very recently the last sister had the last straw and had to cut her off for her own mental health. She was paying her bills buying her food. After doing that, I am now the caretaker. 

She has gotten better in the sense that for a couple months she was buying her own food and barely paying rent but still paying it. Things she wouldn’t do out of spite towards my aunts who tried to support her but she would be nasty most all the time and bite the hand that feeds her. Lots of complications with her landlord but I think this thing might be doing her some favors. 

Before that she was in and out of a couple psychiatric hospitals and she always left and tried to start up but would end up back and out until she got her shit together after the fourth time a little. It was so rough, it always is so rough with her. 

I talk to her everyday because she has no other friends. And I see why. My dad was from  another country and married her and then left and went back to his country. I wish so badly she could get treated properly but I know they just probably sedate her in the hospital and she’s in denial about her illness so that doesn’t get her anywhere. She just struggles just very very hard getting by day to day and has been homeless at some points. I was always the one to pick her up everyday and help her get around and I live an hour away! 

I know it’s the least I could do but I am only a 20 year old girl. I pay more bills than her a month and I’m expected to buy all her groceries and toiletries but I have my own long list of stuff I have to buy to maintain myself. It feels like such a heavy weight on me. 

And I know I gave random details and jumbled thoughts and shitty formatting so I apologize. I just feel so trapped. On one hand, she’s mentally ill. I really feel for her... she’s just sick I have no idea what’d she be like without her mental illness. And I feel so bad for sharing all this personal information on her but it’s my story too. 

It is important to add, I live a really good life. I love my family and would do anything for them. I have a good social life, I am secure and try to stay positive a lot of the time. I am attending college. And I have my own separate journey outside of this, but it just feels like a huge burden. I have thoughts and sometimes make plans to just cut my mother off. Our relationship is so toxic and we barely get along but she loves me unconditionally and is very protective and worries about me. She calls me 3 times a day because I’m her only friend. I visit her a couple times a month. And it gives me the worst uncomfortable feeling and it irks me to be alone with her. But it’s also embarrassing to have her meet others because she’s not very personable. I worry about having to introduce her to boyfriends. My last boyfriend was very understanding which helps me understand I shouldn’t be insecure and guy should just accept me for me. But I wouldn’t even want her at my wedding. 

I feel so selfish because why would I want to abandon my sick mom who can’t really support herself and she’d lose her only friend and the one thing she loves. Wouldn’t that hurt her heart and brain so much? Wouldn’t that add so much stress on her and make everything worse? I worry she’ll try to kill herself. I don’t think I could live with that. 

If I could buy her a house so she wouldn’t have to work or only have to pay for groceries, I would. In a heartbeat. I literally fantasize about it all the time. But I don’t have money like that and although I’m in school and I plan to have a good job I can’t guarantee what kinda money I’ll have later in life. I do good at supporting myself but this is getting hard. She won’t admit she has an issue so she can’t get disability so like what the fuck is the point.