Hi everybody,

My name is Georgia and I am a 23 year old cell biology undergraduate.

My mum is 56 with bipolar disorder. It is by no means as severe as some of the stories I have read on here, and for that I humbly apologise for taking up space and hope you can help me with my situation.

I am deeply unhappy living at home with my mum, and I have just begun taking antidepressants for anxiety and depression. When I told my mum this news, she didn’t bat an eyelid. A few days later, she stormed into my room crying and told me “I will always be more depressed than you, and I will always have bigger problems than you”. I’m still not sure what she meant, but I feel quite overwhelmed with this new diagnosis.

My mum is a very high functioning workaholic, and to be blunt, a narcissist. In her periods of mania, she could talk for hours about herself and her work, and barely sleeps a wink. She can be very selfish: I recently had to stay at a friends house during my exam week because she wanted to have parties every night. When I protested and asked her not to because I had exams, she called me selfish and wouldn’t speak to me. 

Many times she has rang up my friends to go drinking with them, and she would shout at me if I told her I found it strange. She tells me that she hates my dad, and wants a divorce, and then 2 days later they’re cuddling on the sofa laughing - it is so confusing for me. She is constantly losing her temper over the smallest things, if I forget to make her tea or if I don’t tidy up well enough. She calls me names, tells me that I don’t care about her, and that I’m ungrateful and selfish.

All in all, I feel so so guilty for just being myself. I truly try so hard to do everything I can to show her how grateful I am for my upbringing. My dad is completely avoidant in all this, and ignores her during her mania and depression and literally calls her “mental”. 

I’m trying to gather enough money to move out of my home without dropping out of my degree, just so that I don’t have to feel guilty about taking things from her anymore. 

I feel so bad because I know that she loves me, and it’s not her fault that she is like this. But I cannot bring myself to open up to her out of fear of retaliation (the last time I tried to tell her how I felt she kicked me out of the house and called me ungrateful), but also because I really resent her for the way she treats me. 

So basically, I am feeling a bit isolated. I don’t really know what to do, and I am really terrified for my own relationships because I am incredibly insecure as a result of my upbringing. 

Thank you so much for listening to my story :)