My mother was diagnosed with rapid cycling, medication-resistant bipolar disorder when she was 48 and I was 13 after her first suicide attempt (I found her). Prior to that she was my best friend and greatest emotional support. I cared for her as a parentified child from 13-18, and have maintained a distant relationship since then despite a lot of pressure to become her legal guardian. I am now 28, and over the last 15 years it has been tremendously painful to witness her long, slow decline and unrelenting struggle. Every manic and depressive episode brings to the surface new and old traumas and reopens wounds that I have worked so hard to move past. E.g. last summer I had to pack up her belongings in a room stained with her blood after her most recent suicide attempt. That was super difficult. As I write this post, she is days away from a full blown manic episode with psychosis that will surely land her in the hospital again, and will be followed by suicidal depression. Her condition is complicated by the effects of aging, as well as a traumatic brain injury from another suicide attempt, rendering her personality almost unrecognizable from who she once was. She has been institutionalized for the majority of the last several years.

I mourn the loss of the loving, caring, capable and brilliant mother I once had, and then I feel guilty for mourning a person who is still living. Sometimes (and I feel SO guilty for even thinking it) I wish she could finally die and end her suffering. I don't know how to move past this or have closure when the sadness and trauma keeps on coming.

I wish I could help more, but visiting her is usually retraumetizing and emotionally draining, and her medical needs are beyond the level I could ever provide. She tells her therapist that my brother and I are the only reasons she wants to keep living. 

As I witness her suffering and unsuccessful attempts to find a cure, I grow ever more fearful that I will end up the same way. I struggle with depression too, and my greatest fear is that some sort of stress or environmental trigger will unleash a latent bipolar disorder within me.

I'm curious - does anyone else here struggle with any of these feelings and fears, and how do you grapple with them? Have you found any resources or strategies that have helped you cope? Personally, I have found some insight through podcasts. "Terrible, thanks for asking" is a good one. Going to start therapy soon with a therapist who specializes in these things, so I'll be sure to report back with any solutions I find.

It's great to find a group of people who can relate. Sending love and light <3