*trigger warning - self harm*

Hi all, my name is Georgia and I am a 24 year old med student. My mum has bipolar.

Let me start off by saying that I am so ashamed of myself for writing this, and feel like I'm almost certainly going to be met with judgement for how ungrateful and spoilt I am because my situation really isnt that bad. But I dont know where else to turn any more and I'm afraid that my own battle with anxiety/depression is going to return.

In summary, my relationship with mum is awful and I resent her for the way she treats me when shes down, and the way she ignores me when shes up. It takes me a good few weeks to get over the things that happen and for me to process the anger I have about her ability to constantly be the victim.

I feel so guilty about the way I feel towards her, which has caused me to cope by distancing myself from her as well as having massive bouts of anxiety. I moved out of my family home at the beginning of the year becuase I couldnt study whilst living with her; the daily fights about a messy house (a huge trigger for her) or arguments about me not caring about her, totally interfered with my work. One time before a biochemistry exam last year I had to sleep at a friends house because she wanted to have a party and I was "selfish" for wanting some quiet time after 10pm. Not a huge deal, but made me feel pretty unimportant and like it was easier to move out.

Another time I came home from the doctors aged 20 with my first prescription of antidepressants, totally confused and ashamed of myself I told my parents about it - minutes later she came into my bedroom crying and told me "I will always be more depressed than you" before slamming the door and dissapearing for a couple of days. Again, making me feel like a background character in my own life.

Anyway, now that I have moved out, things have cooled off for the most part, my mum smothers me with affection and is quite overbearing. Last night she text me saying this:

"Ive had too much to drink so I have the courage to say that the first thought I have every day is you - so whatever I have done to make you feel distant from me please lets fix it because nothing in life matters to me as much as you - I just want you to reach out and be my daughter I love you so much xxxxxx"

My reaction? Rage. Why? After years of nasty text messages, snarling comments, and a lack of interest in anything I do, she is FINALLY giving me the affection I have always craved, and it is making me feel sick. All I've ever wanted is for her to seek help for her illness instead of romanticising it and letting it run wild. I have gently encouraged her to go to counselling, to consider medication, to do regular exercise etc etc but she refuses it all. I'm the only person in my family that will admit that she has an illness, because everybody else chooses to ignore it and just blames her behaviour on 'stress'. I care so much about her and am so angry about the way she has been treated in life that has ultimately led to her poor mental health today. I wish I could go back and undo the abuse she suffered. I try to help by giving her health advice and keeping the house clean - its all I can do.

But, I have bottled so much up inside over the years that I can barely look her in the eye nowadays. Last year after a particularly difficult argument where she made me feel so guilty the only outlet that made logical sense to me was to cut myself. It felt like my head was going to explode if I didnt do something drastic. I have never told her this because I know she would be so angry. I can not tell her how I feel because the last time I tried she went mad and told me not to come home, told me I was selfish and spoiled and dramatic. 

I would be so grateful to learn any coping mechanisms that you all have acquired from your own experiences so that I can learn to deal with this better without it causing a family breakup. I really don't want to become a self obsessed victim like she is, and I can see myself slowly turning into one becuase I have been sidelined so much by her. I really want to be a good person and a good daughter.

Thank you for your time.