So my discovery was quite recent... 

This month I found out that my biological father is not my Dad. The man that has raised me for 32 years (in his old-fashioned, back seat way) may not even know that I am not biologocally his. 

I knew my mother had had an affair with a man we have always referred to as an Uncle. When I say 'we' I refer to myself, my older brother and my younger sister. This man is not an uncle but has been a constant in our lives. Like a godfather figure. 

My mother told me when I was teenager that she had loved Uncle. That he asked her to run away with him long after she'd married Dad and she refused him. The affair did not end there though. 

What I didn't discover until some years later was that this marriage proposal came after my mum fell pregnant. That baby was my older brother. I found out that Uncle was my older brothers biological father about 10 years ago. My brother doesnt know. I have had to keep the burden of that secret and on occasion it has eaten me up. I did not want to becpme part of the lies but my mum had to offload her guilt to someone... she chose a 20-something me. 

Fast forward to last month and I make the discovery that I too am Uncles child. I know my parents had tried for children for years and years. I almost learned to accept that my brothers creation 'unblocked' something allowing for my sister and I to be born. I had never realised that I was also a 'love-child' and when I did I felt like such a massive idiot for not having seen it before. (Mum hadn't disclosed just how long her affair had lasted... approx 20 years!!!!)

The 'how' in how I found out is a long story but it comes to light as I am a new mother and my mum had said that Uncle wanted to see my baby. My sister had a baby a week before me so I asked why he would want to see my baby and not hers. My mum replied 'You know why!' And suddenly a lot of things clicked into place that it sent me spinning. 

I confronted my mum when I could for answers and she asked me to let it go. 'Put it to the back of your mind' or 'Does it matter now?' - this increased my fury. I was angry for being lied to. Angry because it looks like other family members may have made the connection before me. Was I being laughed at? Angry that I now had even more of a burden to carry and more secrets from my Dad and my sister. I needed answers mum didn't want to give in order to make sense of it and I wanted a DNA test. 

I confronted Uncle who travelled to see me one day. He answered every question and assured me that I was born of love. He also told me he was proud of me and we talked fluidly for hours about both our lives. (Although we always had contact it was a fly-in every couple of years). He consented to a DNA test but he left me seething when he asked if my quest for answers was about money (he had inherited alot of money the previous year). He also showed little interest in having a relationship with my son. This hurt. 

I got my DNA results back only to have confirmed what I already knew. Now I was angrier still and wanted so much for the results to be wrong... 

Since then I have struggled to think about anything else and I know my husband feels angry for me but aside from that he feels useless to help. I need to talk to someone and there is no one. I can't talk to my sister or my brother (who doesnt know). I can't talk to my mum without losing my temper and she doesn't understand why I am upset... I am plagued with more secrets and feelings I can't explain. 

If you have been through anything remotely similar... get in touch. 

Thanks for reading...