Inspired by Pat Downing article Children need both roots and wings

"Good parents give their children Roots and Wings." --Jonas Salk

I truly believe that we can gain healing by nurturing our inner-child in the same way we would love and nurture our own children. By providing a safe place where we feel comfortable to share our feelings and validate ourselves can only serve to help rebuild our sense of self-confidence and self worth.

How do we nurture our inner child who has been so hurt and abandoned by our real toxic parents? How can we put our arms around them and give them a safe environment in which to cry and teach them to use the past as a foundation to who they are today and yet not let it continue to destroy and control them?

May your pasts are become your roots, and your future your wings to fly.

Who is the inner child?

He/She is the little child you were who desired to be nurtured, cared for, and loved. This child still resides within you as an adult.

Free spirit, pixie, and elf you have tamed and controlled, yet who resides within you.

Emotional and sensitive you whom you have channeled, controlled, and silenced and who is still living within you.

Creative, imaginative, and artistic you who has been molded, structured, and organized; who still resides in you and is needing to be set free.

Hurt, pained, neglected, frustrated, abused, and ignored you whom you have masked, hidden from view, and denied the existence of. This child is always just below the surface, causing you to be anxious, worried, and fearful of mistreatment.

Fun loving, happy, frivolous, joyful, humorous you when you were young and unsophisticated; that person you have replaced with a sophisticated, mature, serious, task oriented demeanor.

Childhood you have lost or forgotten; yet it still resides in you, dwelling in your subconscious.

Person who knows how to have fun and play for play's sake; who can help you prevent burnout and manage the stress in your life.

Person you could be as an adult if you lightened up, let go of your seriousness, overcame your fears, and accepted flexibility and change in your life.

Person within you who needs healing, support, and reinforcement through a variety of Tools for Coping activities. Through this you can be given new life, health, and a chance for personal growth. www.coping.org


In Pats article she mentions We provide a safe home where our children develop a sense of belonging, and where they can grow and become strong. To help our children develop strong roots, we can learn a few things from gardeners. They will tell you that, when you first plant a seed, you dont see any progress for some time. The seeds send down their roots into the soil first, long before the tiny shoots appear above ground. So the gardener learns patience, trusting the natural process.

We need to have the same patience and trust the process.
Roots serve two purposes: they give the plant stability, by going deep and holding it to the ground. They also provide nourishment through the water and minerals that are drawn in.


Stability:

We also need to provide an atmosphere that is nurturing, supporting, and safe - emotionally as well as physically. In this way, we give our children a sense of belonging and security. Pat Downing

Find a safe place where you feel comfortable to be yourself. It can be a room in your home, a park, or even a place of solitude in a nearby forest.

Nourishment:

Just as plants draw water and other nutrients from the soil to support their growth, our children depend on us for their nurturing. Our words of encouragement and appreciation, our guidance, and especially our love - these are the nourishment they receive from us. Pat Downing

To provide a stable and nurturing home for your inner-children:

Create an atmosphere that is loving and welcoming, so it feels good to be home.

When your inner child needs to cry or be comforted allow them to cry and imagine you putting your arms around the younger version of yourself. Allow them the time they need. Listen to their fears and reassure them. Treat them liked a valued member of society.

You can tell your inner child that it is OK to:

Have the freedom to make choices for itself.
Be ``selfish'' and do the things you want to do.
Take the time to do the things you want to do.
Associate only with the people you want to associate with.
Accept some people and to reject others.
Give and accept love from others.
Allow someone else to care for you.
Enjoy the fruits of your labor with no guilt feelings.
Take time to ``play'' and have ``fun'' each day.
Not to be so ``serious,'' intense, and inflexible about life.
Set limits on how you are going to relate to others.
Not always ``serve'' others.
Accept others ``serving'' you.
Be in charge of your life and not let others dictate to you.
Be honest with others about your thoughts and feelings.
Take risks and to suffer the positive or negative consequences of such risks.
Make mistakes, laugh at them, and carry on.
Let your imagination and creativity be set free and to soar with the eagles.
Cry, hurt, and to be in pain as long as you share your feelings; do not repress or suppress them.
Be angry, to express your anger, and to bring your anger to some resolution.
Make decisions for yourself.
Be a problem solver and come up with solutions with which everyone may not agree.
Feel happiness, joy, excitement, pleasure, and excitement about living.
Feel down, blue, sad, anxious, upset, and worried, as long as you share your feelings.
Love and be loved by someone whom you cherish.
Be your "Inner Child'' and to let it grow up, accept love, share feelings, and enjoy pleasure and play.


Where do wings come into this picture?

Once our children feel safe and secure, we need to prepare them for the time when they will leave that security and to go out into the world on their own.

I remember watching fledgling bluebirds in our back yard. For several days before they finally flew from the nest, they took turns thrusting their heads out the opening of the bluebird house and flapping their wings wildly, as if they were going to fly.

I became aware that they were strengthening their wings for the day when they would finally fly. I also fantasized that they were building up their courage.

After several days of practicing, one-by-one the birds flew from the nest.

It is not so different with our children. Of course, for our children, the process takes years instead of days. As they try out their wings, they can be very disruptive - so little room in the nest for those big, flapping wings. Pat Downing


So how do we support our children as they strengthen their wings, while preserving the serenity of our home?

We must NOT try to keep a fledgling from doing what comes naturally. If we do, we are interrupting a natural process and setting ourselves up for frustration and disappointment. Pat Downing

How do we help our children find their wings?

"Our job is to be sure that they have the skills necessary to succeed in the world and the self-confidence to take that giant leap out the door when their time comes.

The process of fledging starts early - long before they are ready to fly. Pat Downing


Self-confidence:

This comes with practice. As we give our children responsibilities and gently support them as they are learning, they will also learn to believe in themselves.

Confidence also comes from the ability to make decisions. In order to prepare our children for the outside world, we need to give them many opportunities to make their own choices. We can start with the insignificant things, such as what to wear and how to fix their hair - then gradually move to the more important decisions with real consequences. Pat Downing

With our inner child we can build our self confidence by doing one thing each day at tasks where we feel that we were told we were not competent at, such as doing the dishes, cleaning the house, or doing the laundry. It is ok to make mistakes, and with time you will build more self-confidence in your own skills. It also takes time away from a toxic relationship to realize that you have more self worth than you were initially lead to believe.

To give your children wings:

Give them responsibilities early, and increasing with time.
Help them develop values by your example and by setting definite limits.

Give them choices early and increasingly, as they are able to handle them.

Give them permission to explore and make mistakes and experience the results of those choices - not as punishment, but as a way to learn what works and what doesn't.

Help them find their gifts - find what they love - so they will have passion for life and a sense of purpose.

When we do our job well - when we help our children develop strong wings - yes, they will fly away.

But if the roots are strong enough, they will always fly back to us - not to stay, but to share with us the wonderful things they are discovering and creating in their own lives.

Maybe to say "Thank you."

Maybe just to get another good dose of the love that helped them to be who they are.

Then we get to see that we never really lose our children, as long as they know there is something worth coming back to.




Listed below are other ways to help find and nurture your inner child. The following excerpt was copied from the coping.org website.

What are some steps by which you can help heal your "Inner Child"?
Step 1: In order to identify your "Inner Child,'' get into a relaxed state and close your eyes. Spend thirty minutes picturing yourself as a child between three and eight years of age. See yourself as this little child and watch yourself interacting with members of your family of origin. Look at how you as react to your family members as a little child.

Watch yourself with your playmates in the neighborhood or at school. Notice how you get along with your friends and playmates. Notice the fun you have at play and what type of play activities you enjoyed.

Watch yourself in the classroom and notice how you get along with your teacher and how you react to the school environment.

Finally, picture yourself in a family setting. Are you happy, frivolous, joyful, energetic, excited, and enjoying life? Are you serious, solemn, down, sad, unhappy, scared, disappointed, being miserable with life?

If you see only an unhappy, serious little child, try to remember your last happy experience as a child. This last remembrance of you as a happy child is the "Inner Child'' who climbed inside of you to cope with stress.

Step 2: Now that you have identified your "Inner Child,'' answer the following questions in your journal:

a. How would you describe your "Inner Child?''

b. When did your "Inner Child'' go inside? What happened for your little child to climb inside of you?

c. How do you know when your "Inner Child'' is active in you?

d. What messages does your "Inner Child'' still need to hear?

e. How willing are you to give these messages to your "Inner Child?'' One way to do this is to develop self-affirmation statements that will nurture your "Inner Child'' and lead to self-healing.

f. What irrational beliefs did your "Inner Child'' have about life?

g. How willing are you to deal with these irrational beliefs and replace them with realistic truths? It is important to deal with these now so your "Inner Child'' can come out and finally enjoy life.

h. What are some of the negative consequences of suppressing your "Inner Child?''

i. How open are you to enjoying the little things in life?

j. What part does fun play in your life?

Step 3: You are now ready to make a plan of action to nurture your "Inner Child.'' Develop a plan of action using the tools found in ``Handling Irrational Beliefs,'' ``Self-Affirmation,'' ``Handling Guilt,'' and ``Letting Go.''

Once your plan is completed, put it into action and take care of your "Inner Child.''

Step 4: The following three activities can help the action planning and nurturing of your "Inner Child:''

Activity 1: Learning How to Enjoy the Small Things in Life

Open yourself to experience joy at being alive by taking the following steps:

Step A: Open your eyes to the beauty and majesty of nature about you, e.g., paint photographs or simply observe sunrises or sunsets, a body of water, listen for bird calls, try to distinguish the different sounds, plant a garden and watch it grow.

Step B: Expand your ``sensory'' vocabulary. Try to experience life through all of your senses, use sight, sound, smell, and touch to explore and describe the experiences in your life.

Step C: Explore the natural environment, e.g., take a walk on the beach, relish natures wonders, take a walk on a wooded trail, enjoy the moonlight, the stars, search out natures' magic.

Step D: Begin to slow down and let go. Enjoy children, pets, the aroma of food. Listen to music, enroll in a ``fun'' class, enjoy the human side of those in your life, develop a sense of humor, a new hobby.

Activity 2: Learning How to Feel and to Share Feelings

Step A: Keep a journal in which you record your daily range of feelings.

Step B: Identify in your journal one new feeling a day to increase your feelings vocabulary. The Tools for Communication in the Tools for Coping Series provides lists of ``feeling'' words to help you.

Step C: Watch a sentimental movie and have a good cry, but pay attention to your feelings. Describe in your journal how you felt watching the movie and how you felt once you began to cry.

Step D: Begin an activity to generate positive feelings each day. Explore the world or your life in general. Recognize one good thing about it daily. Come up with a positive feeling generated by this ``good thing,'' add it to your feelings vocabulary in your journal.

Step E: Write a fantasy story in your journal describing you experiencing at least ten different positive feelings.

Step F: Relax and visualize yourself experiencing a positive feeling. Enjoy that visualized feeling. Once you have mastered the visualized feeling, plan an activity to make that feeling real for you. Record the experience in your journal.

Activity 3: Learning How to Play

The following tips can help you learn to play:

Step A. Let go of any guilt feelings you might have about indulging yourself in ``play'' activity. Redefine the role of ``play'' in your life. Restructure your life activities, and include some play time.

Step B. Define some ``acceptable'' play activities you would be willing to experiment with over the next year.

Step C. Be spontaneous and let go of the need for ``rigidity'' in the ways you play. Let your ``child'' out and freewheel through your playtime.

Step D. Don't stifle your ``child-like'' responses to a ``play'' activity. Loosen up and let go of the need to be ``mature.''

Step E. Don't worry about your ``public image,'' as long as what you are doing harms no one. Vent gut-level frolic responses to your play activity.

Step F. Learn to be your own best friend.

Step G. Frolic and have fun without the use of artificial stimulants (drugs, alcohol, etc.)

Step H. Let your ``responsible adult mind set'' have a vacation. Practice looking at life with a child's perspective. Imagine how a child would view play. Let the sense of wonderment, excitement, imagination, make believe, and creativity reign.

Step I. Laughter is therapeutic and essential if playing is to be fun. Learn to let go of a good belly laugh.

Step J. Playing requires the use of fantasy. Let your fantasy life emerge and grow. Use imagination and visual imagery to broaden the scope and expand the boundaries of your ``play.''

Step K. Take a risk and set up a ``playtime'' for your ``inner child'' in a family-like situation where you can play outdoors with children, e.g., have a food fight, a water sprinkling war, play Rover Red Rover, dodge ball, etc.

Step L. Give yourself a child's party. Invite your friends to bring their ``inner child'' to a party in which you indulge in children's games, e.g., pin the tail on the donkey, musical chairs, bobbing for apples, hopscotch, jacks, etc.

Step 5: After you have implemented your action plan using the Tools for Coping tools to nurture your "Inner Child,'' and after you have tried the three activities in Step 4, your "Inner Child'' should be more visible and active in your life.

If you still find yourself suppressing your "inner child", return to Step 1 and begin again.



Reference: www.feelinggoodparenting.com and www.coping.org websites