I feel so stuck and guilty. Over a year ago I had a 7 month sexual affair with someone from work. My husband found out and it nearly ruined us but we went to counselling together and managed to work things out and he gave me another chance. I got a new job. My affair started because Of the attention I received from a younger attractive guy at work. Me and my husband were struggling to get pregnant, I had two miscarriages and it was breaking us. We became uninterested in each other, I think bored of trying and failing. My husband actually admitted in counselling that he stopped coming on to me as he was scared of getting me pregnant and for me to have another miscarriage because he couldn't deal with how upset and broken I was after the other two. 
so the affair happened, for 7 months, I loved the attention, I thought I was in love with this person and they thought they were in love with me too. He listened to me and I thought he really understood me and cared. He was also cheating on his girlfriend. 
after we were caught out, he split up with his girlfriend. I worked on my marriage. We still spoke secretly for 12 months after but I was just texting, the sexual aspect was gone. I felt like I needed him and told him everything, probably too much. I felt like I was addicted to his kind words and how he made me feel. but eventually he started seeing other girls, because he was single and he wasn't seeing me. It hurt me, I couldn't deal with it, we would argue and then make up. It is ridiculous when I think about it now. I should of just walked away, I shouldn't need him but I was addicted. I fell pregnant to my husband in between all this happening tok so I was very hornonal. 
the relationship broke down, I gave it so many chances and the we would fall out again. He was just like a horrible pen pal or something! He started being uninterested in me and even nasty sometimes and I kept trying to claw back at what we had but never succeeded. He made out like we could just be friends if I didnt get so upset about him moving on with his life, I don't know how he did it because it broke me. I finally cut him off completely!! I left it weeks with no contact. I felt so much better, my relationship with my husband improved. I was a new mum and I was doing so well at it! I felt genuinely happy again.

and then fast forward to now .... I went on Facebook last week and saw a post from someone saying that my affair partners sister had died! And the more I read I realised she had killed her self. I straight away messaged him, because I don't want him to hurt. I want to be there for him but I can't be, only over text! He is obviously not in a good place at all but his responses to me are so cold. I presume he has a new girlfriend or someone that he can actually see and speak to but I have put out an olive branch to him, if he needs me. He hasn't really said much and I now feel trapped again, hanging on for him, waiting incase he needs me even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't. I feel so useless, so guilty, sad. I can't tell anyone that I know about his sister because I'm not meant to have any contact with him. 
it's eating me up. I wish I didn't find out! I wish I wasn't In contact with him but at the same time I feel like I can't walk away now because what if he needs me like I needed him two years ago? I don't know what to do.