Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
There are many reasons people get married. Money. Fear. The need to feel "grown-up". The strong desire for children. Loneliness. I would daresay more people get married for one of these reasons, than those who marry because they are so madly in love and believe that they were meant to be together.
People also stay married when they'd be better apart, for many reasons. Mainly kids and finances. Fear of being alone and fear of the unknown as well. The devil you know is better than the devil you don't, right?
While I fully appreciate the importance of commitment, I have seen too many lives poorly lived with ill-matched couples who stuck it out for no apparent reason other than "staying committed". Our society romanticizes lengthy marriages - how many times have you heard "My grandparents have been married for 50 years, how sweet." When said grandparents have never been seen saying a kind word or making any sort of physical contact with each other, ever.
From what I've read on this board, it seems mainly geared towards cheaters who want to stay in their marriages. And I applaud everyone who is trying to make it work.
But is there anyone here that would say, "I had an affair because I am not happy in my marriage. And I deserve better than to lead an unhappy life with a spouse I am not suited to." Because let's face it, your choice of spouse could possibly be the single most important choice you make in leading a happy and rewarding life.
I've known more than a few cheaters, including myself. And if asked, those cheaters would have outwardly said "I love my spouse, he/she is very important to me, etc, etc". However, I would uniformly say NONE of them had a great marriage. Most cared about their spouse in a sibling-like sort of way - after sharing lives for so many years, that is natural. But their honest reasons for not leaving were the same as above - didn't want to lose custody of kids or see their financial assets dwindle in a divorce.
Some great quotes I've read on the subject that stayed with me:
"It should take 18 months and cost $50,000 to get married, and $0 to divorce. Then the divorce rate would be a hell of a lot lower."
"I don't know why my parents stayed married until after I went to college. They should have divorced a lot sooner - it would have been better for us kids than seeing them fighting, distant from each other and miserable." (have heard this from LOTS of adults with divorced parents)
It always makes me laugh when I hear the statement, "Nobody gets married because they thought they were going to get divorced." Because I did. The only way I could get through the weeks leading up to my wedding was, "I can always get divorced if it doesn't work out." If only I'd known how difficult it would really be.
Did I make a poor choice as a naïve 22-year-old? Yes. Does that mean I have to live with it the rest of my life? I don't know, but I hope not. Does anyone else have any thoughts?
People also stay married when they'd be better apart, for many reasons. Mainly kids and finances. Fear of being alone and fear of the unknown as well. The devil you know is better than the devil you don't, right?
While I fully appreciate the importance of commitment, I have seen too many lives poorly lived with ill-matched couples who stuck it out for no apparent reason other than "staying committed". Our society romanticizes lengthy marriages - how many times have you heard "My grandparents have been married for 50 years, how sweet." When said grandparents have never been seen saying a kind word or making any sort of physical contact with each other, ever.
From what I've read on this board, it seems mainly geared towards cheaters who want to stay in their marriages. And I applaud everyone who is trying to make it work.
But is there anyone here that would say, "I had an affair because I am not happy in my marriage. And I deserve better than to lead an unhappy life with a spouse I am not suited to." Because let's face it, your choice of spouse could possibly be the single most important choice you make in leading a happy and rewarding life.
I've known more than a few cheaters, including myself. And if asked, those cheaters would have outwardly said "I love my spouse, he/she is very important to me, etc, etc". However, I would uniformly say NONE of them had a great marriage. Most cared about their spouse in a sibling-like sort of way - after sharing lives for so many years, that is natural. But their honest reasons for not leaving were the same as above - didn't want to lose custody of kids or see their financial assets dwindle in a divorce.
Some great quotes I've read on the subject that stayed with me:
"It should take 18 months and cost $50,000 to get married, and $0 to divorce. Then the divorce rate would be a hell of a lot lower."
"I don't know why my parents stayed married until after I went to college. They should have divorced a lot sooner - it would have been better for us kids than seeing them fighting, distant from each other and miserable." (have heard this from LOTS of adults with divorced parents)
It always makes me laugh when I hear the statement, "Nobody gets married because they thought they were going to get divorced." Because I did. The only way I could get through the weeks leading up to my wedding was, "I can always get divorced if it doesn't work out." If only I'd known how difficult it would really be.
Did I make a poor choice as a naïve 22-year-old? Yes. Does that mean I have to live with it the rest of my life? I don't know, but I hope not. Does anyone else have any thoughts?
http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/articles/47215:
I’m a 36-year-old heterosexual female who has been reading you for the better part of 20 years. That’s why when my formerly lovely husband descended into a hellish depression that turned our 10-year marriage into a loveless, sexless, miserable thing that I didn’t recognize, I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t get out for various financial, personal, and practical reasons, so I began an emotionally fulfilling, sanity-saving affair with a married man in the same situation. My emotional and sexual needs are getting met for the first time in years. The problem is that when we are together, my mind goes to how much I wish we could both chuck our marriages and be together all of the time, and I feel more miserable in my marriage because I can’t help comparing the two men in my life. Do you have any advice for keeping from mentally going to “happily ever after” when you are trying to stay balanced in marriage-saving-affair land? —Secret Affair Necessary Escape
Answer:
An affair doesn’t come bundled with the same crap that a marriage does, SANE, so your time with Happy Affair Man isn’t burdened by mental and/or physical health crises, just as it’s not roughed up by ever-festering conflicts about money or chores or kids or all of the above. So let’s say you left Depressed Husband Man for Happy Affair Man, and he left his wife for you. How long would it be before you and Second Husband Man were facing down some similar crap or brand-new crap? Probably not long. You might be happier, but you won’t be happily-ever-after happier because no one ever is. The subject is moot, of course, if you’re not in a position to end your marriage and Happy Affair Man isn’t either. —Dan
Personally, I got married because I felt like it was the right thing to do. I was also blinded by the wedding planning and dream ring that getting to the big party to celebrate our love was just so. damn. exciting! Not once leading up to that day did I consider what would follow the wedding. Happily ever after, right?
Well even after 7 years of marriage and a couple As under my belt I still choose to stay. Things are difficult, raising kids together is rewarding and very, very challenging. But at the end of the day, I love him and I just don't want a life without him.
That said, if you had asked me 6 months ago I would have told you I'm getting a divorce and running off into the sunset with AP.
People need to be aware of these neurotransmitters and how they can turn one's life upside down. It is like being on drugs.
But I still stand by my statement that the truly happily married do not cheat. It's not that your spouse is a horrible person or that you despise them; most of us, CSs, APs, and BSs alike, are good people. But the marital relationship is not meeting your most fundamental needs on a critical level; that's why you seek a connection with another. At that point, you have three options: 1. Try to improve your marital relationship; 2. Do nothing and stay married (the most common choice that I've seen); 3. Break up. I know I don't want #2. I'm very doubtful about #1. Obvs it's the ideal, but not always realistic. #3 is the most challenging in the short term, but could potentially be the most rewarding.