Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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stilsad 03/13/2015

In 2009-2010 I had what some would term an emotional affair. Our counsellors weren't even sure to call it an emotional affair or how to term it if that says anything. I was so concerned with proving myself to my spouse that I even went as far as to complete a polygraph test to prove that I had never cheated on him physically/sexually. We went to counseling and he went individually to deal with his own issues. In November he stopped taking all of his meds.

Two weeks ago we got a text from our cell phone provider stating we had used 75% of our data service. I frequent facebook, pinterest and pandora. By the time he walked in the door he stated " I'm not accusing you of having an affair but something is going on and I suspect video chatting!" Well I wasn't on our home network and my phone had been acting as a hotspot (I hope I said that right). I learned how to change that and poof the issues stopped. I told my husband I was not having an affair, and that I only talked to friends in my mommy/twins group for support regarding our kids. He got online, downloaded our phone record and totaled up all the time I spoke to particular numbers. Not only was I being accused of an affair but then I was being criticized about the time I spent talking to others.

I don't know how to deal with this. Arguments have escalated into him constantly accusing and telling me I do not appreciate him financially. Today he said that he loved me but really felt no intamacy or desire to have a close relationship/marriage with me. I'm devastated. We have adopted two infants who are now turning two. I'm a stay at home Mom that has been married nearly 13 years with 3 years of dating prior. I feel like I'm losing it all including my mind.

I don't know how to make him understand that nothing is going on.

Help

jaymee4647 03/14/2015

Get the book: how to help your spouse heal from your affair. Authors last name is MacDonald.
If you want your marriage you need to be transparent, he will have setbacks.. He needs reassuring. Someone stole my H credit card number and there were charges to dating websites (a really inconvieanat time) it took match.com's fraud dept to convince me that he really didn't do it. I told him if they didnt give me the info I needed I would have never believed him.
This is a process for the rest if your life... You don't deserve for this to be thrown in ur face daily tho either. But when things like this come up, just give him the access he needs to assure him nothing is going on.

stilsad 03/14/2015

I greatly appreciate your response. I haven't yet read this book and I will make the purchase in hopes that I glean new and helpful information. As an aside I am 100% transparent at this point. He has access to everything from call logs, text messages, email access, all account access, etc. He can go through my car, my purse, my belongings, website history, computer, etc. You name it, he has access to it. Where my dilemma comes in is when he uses the affair as a means to punish me, emotionally control me because he knows that I feel extreme guilt and sadness and it is a means for him to get his way. When this occurs, I feel totally helpless. Right now I'm in one of those areas where im feeling helpless, hopeless, trapped, falsely accused, etc. I guess I expect set backs, I know that they will happen and he will be triggered by things I wouldn't have dreamed would affect him. How do I help myself? For years I allowed him to bring me down until I was so broken, miserable, unhappy and lonely that I allowed myself to have a friendship with another person who happened to be a man. Then post friendship I was again stripped down to the lowest of the low, actually a lower place than I had been before. Now I'm just constantly reminded of how low I am, how much I ruined his life and cost him. I don't know how much more I can take. I've gotten to the point when I'm driving alone that I wonder how fast I have to go and what type of an inanimate object I need to slam into to just end this all. That's just not a good place to be in.

kittykatbella 03/14/2015

Please consider that, if nothing else, your two children need you in their lives. This is a rough patch, maybe even a dark night of the soul. But don't go down the path of letting it steal your life and ruining your children's lives. I would recommend IC for you to work through what you are feeling, as well as some booster sessions with your MC. It sounds like you are being completely open, honest and transparent with your H but he's still wary and hurt. A good therapist-- even just for you-- can help you get clarity on this situation and what you can do to live a genuine life where you feel good about yourself and your relationship.

Sending you hugs and positive energy...

jaymee4647 03/14/2015

You do not deserve to have this thrown in your face at all! I am a BS the day was in October and I'm still crushed but I am learning that through marriage counseling that he does not deserve to have that kind of treatment. When you choose to rebuild your marriage that's the decision you made to work together in the same direction. If it takes going back to marriage counseling I would suggest that and talk about this with the counselor. My counselor is a complete bull s--t zone. She calls me on my shit all the time. I get sad and I torture myself and she gets mad at me for that too. But you both should read that book together, if it takes going back to square 1 than do it. Tell him that you don't deserve to be tour tired, you have proven yourself time and again. He needs to make the decision, stay and work or leave. I am going to assume and I shouldnt, but any inkling of infidelity it's bringing back all those horrible memories. Men aren't supposed to cry and be upset… So this is the way he behaves he lashes out.
Good luck

jaymee4647 03/14/2015

Sorry auto correct sucks

CloverMoon 03/14/2015

I feel so sorry for you. My main concern is when you said he stopped taking his meds.....what meds? Sounds like once he found out you had a EA, he escalated that into whatever his mind wanted.

You and only you can determine what is to come of this. You have little ones to deal with and protect. My opinion is that if he is accusing you of misconduct, it is really him that is the culprit. I would say, he is the one who's having an A and trying to divert the attention to you.

Do your own detective work. I think you'll find he's the one that's guilty!!!!!

Lenoire 03/15/2015

Just to add, my service provider has been sending out emails of "You've now used up 75% of your data", so that you can call in and they can convince you of spending more money. They've been doing this since before Christmas and it's to get you to upgrade and pay more for the next level up. It's all a bullshit marketing scheme, and has nothing to do with using more data.

I too am concerned about the "stopped taking meds". It sounds like there is something more going on here than meets the eye. I'm wondering along the same lines as CloverMoon.

I wish you well.

stilsad 03/15/2015

Post EA he had such a difficult time with things he was put on medication for depression, anxiety and bi-polar type 2 disordeR and later added adderol (sp?). The only medication he still takes is the aderol and most of the time he forgets that too. He seems much more angry, less patient, it's like his mood can change in seconds, I think I once described it as flipping a light switch. His Dr. said he's a rapid cycler, I still don't fully understand how much of this I caused and what he was/is genetically pre-dispositioned to. A lot of time I get the "if you hadn't had an affair, I wouldn't need these meds, things would be fine." The truth is I don't think that's true. I get blamed for him leaving his job, losing money on the sale of the company, I get yelled at that I ended up with a raise and a promotion which in truth only put me equal to my peers (I wasn't given the position/raise because of my Husband and his fear of Nepotism regardless of whether I deserved it or not). I feel like he's using the EA as an excuse and furthermore the punishment.

jaymee4647 03/16/2015

Bipolar is NOT caused by an A!!!! He always had it, his anger is more noticeable. Depression can be caused by an A. ADHD (which Adderall is for) is not caused by it either.
He needs to be in treatment. I hope you go back to MC and work it out if you can.

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