Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
So on my two week vacation I was thinking about why I was starting to look for attention again and what that meant. I asked myself what was missing and what was I really looking for. Was it just attention or wa sit to fill some other hole?
I realize while here at home ther eis a huge amount of stress. It isn't probably any worse than anyone else's and probably less than many but her eis what I realized...
I am in menopause, I have a daughter, a mother and father, a mother-in-law and a sister-in-law who are extremely needy and cause both my husband and I lots of stress. My parents are in a different state and my mother has alzheimers so it is just my dad who takes care of her. When home it feels like we are on call 24/7. There always seems to be a small crisis or someone who needs us to do something for them.
When we arrived home this time from the airport, my boss called literally a 1/2 hour after we arrived and wanted to go over the schedule (I work per diem). My daughter called the following day to go over when she needs me to babysit (her husband is in the military and goes away for months at a time) and my MIL and SIL called with issues and I have a friend who is in a very sad and stressfull situation with an elderly father who calls frequently.
I am seriously thinking that I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed and not sure what to do or how to change it. So, in essence, I am not happy. I realize everyone has stress and everyone has issues. How do you deal with them? How do you deal with people who need you all the time? How do you make time for yourself and find happiness? What makes you happy? I truly believe that this was the catalyst for my looking for attention. I also realize it really is not HIM that I was even interested in so much as the FEELING of attention.
Happiness has to come from within. No one can bring it to me. Im just bot sure how to fid it within when I constantly feel upset or in turmoil and having to say no to people who need me has always been difficult (yes I am codependent!).
So, what makes you happy?
I completely get this. My affair(s), made me feel young and free and alive and beautiful and whimsical. They made me feel connected with another man on a level I wasn't at home. (Of course IRL with any of those people I'm certain would be a different story)
I think all of that- open marriage or not- is one of the things that I do miss. It's an addiction, it's my addiction.
I still miss that piece of the validation, but out of the fog I do get it elsewhere.
What makes me happy? I think 'you need to find happiness within yourself' is a ridiculous and cruel cliche.
It made me feel like - what was wrong with me that I could find that! A lot of years I was pretty damn miserable. I think in my entire 40s decade there was zero happiness, gratefulness, or contentment in my life. What I suppose to be happy with a man that worked hours and hours and hours a week? Lugging my Inlaws back and forth to doctor appointments- that was to bring me joy? Not for me. And what was wrong with me that I couldn't find happiness in all that?
With all that said, dissecting my marriage and my actions were what brought me to the other side. I think happiness comes when you come to a point of - who do you want to be in this one life you get, what do you want your legacy to be and what is it YOU need. What really would fulfill you. Not what would make everyone happy, my husband and my kids weren't living their life FOR me, but what do I want.
And I needed to work through things to bring me to this point. BTW- it was not easy. AT ALL.
For me, I got to the point when I realized I have no right to whine or bitch about my life and subsequently live in a state of perpetual unhappiness if I was doing nothing about it. Only I could change it.
I knew I couldn't spend the rest of my life in a marriage that was such it was. I did a lot of 'would I want this to happen to me'- the whole 'treat others how you would want to be treated', yet expect that in return too- and I would want to know if he was so miserable so I told him I was. Surprise! He was too- so we had to make a decision based on that.
I also knew that if people didn't appreciate me, they aren't people I should make a priority, It bugged the shit out of me of all that was expected of me, so I started saying no.
I lost weight, I colored my hair, I take care of myself, , I advanced my career, and i spend at least 1-2x a week with good girlfriends. I started living.
I knew I had to start letting go of negativity in my life- that I didn't want to be an OW anymore and fuck someone else's husband. I didn't want to be that person. I didn't want to perpetuate someone's else deception of their spouse (the things I did.....so damn arrogant....) Lies, bullshit, nonsense in my life all had to go. All of it.
People were dying around me and life became too short. Really. I needed to bring myself to a better person and have more satisfying and genuine relationships with myself and with others. I try to be honest, open, and practice a life that I would respect, that benefits the well being if those I'm sharing space with - and THAT brings me joy.
And I wanted to be transparent with the person I shared a bed with. And I am.
I say no when I mean no. I have become my own individual and an individual I trust and that makes me happy.
Well that was a novel! Sorry! Please know all of this took over 10 years with a lot of hesitancy and a lot of back and forth. It's still not perfect. It isn't.
Do I miss him/them? Yes I do. A lot. I'd love to have one more day one more lunch to say: this is what you taught me, this is how you effected my life.....but I also have to be mindful of what response I may get......I don't know, Flower, one cliche I like- life is a journey.
I do make time for girlfriends, I enjoy being with my family (when it isnt a favor) and I do find happiness in things. I think in many ways I feel stuck. I love my husband, I know I would die without him and feel we are meant to be together but is it perfect? No. I've come to believe it never is. Everyone has something don't they? I am sure I bug him at times too.
Like you, it has taken me years to get to where I am and yes, it is still a journey.
Although my AP's have taught me something, some of it is to not allow myself to be treated poorly and always have self respect. I know I have issues with being ignored/treated like I do not matter. That will always be a work in progress I think. It bothers me but I am slowly learning to let it go and ask myself how much does it really matter? Stuff from childhood no doubt. Eliminate those who make me feel this way.
I think I can be overwhelming to people and probably scare some. I am very outgoing, have a lot to say and do not hold back so it may be I am a bit too much. I am who I am.
I enjoy your novels and they always give me much to think about. Thanks for the response. I appreciate it. I think we have a lot in common. I keep in shape, foil my hair and make sure to take care of myself. As I age, I know how important my health is and I also do not want to look old. The aging process does not scare me but realizing time is getting shorter and shorter does. A doctor I know once asked me, "how many summers do you have left?" Well, shit. How is that for depressing?
BTW I did send Clover a friend request.
We should have coffee! Lol
(That doctor - all I can do smh....bizarre)
The funny thing is that my affair initially seemed to meet that need for me, albeit in an unhealthy way, but then I ended up beholden to yet another person and their needs (my AP). That is why open and poly relationships sound like a huge nightmare for a people pleaser like me.
Thanks for the response!
You do not need to be there for everyone. Each one of us is responsible for solving our own problems. When these people call to dump on you, have a system in place for responding to them.
For me it's not even answering the phone until I have finished what I have to do that day.
When someone dumps on me, I just say: I'm sorry to hear that. What are you going to do?
I offer no solutions. And after listening for a few minutes I either change the subject or get off the phone. It does take discipline. I could probably solve a lot of their problems, but that's their job.
Another line I use: that is beyond my skill set, I can listen, but I really can't help you. I have noticed that a couple of my friends have stopped dumping on me and are more fun now.
There is nothing wrong with asking your boss if you could call him back in 30 minutes. Collect yourself and get to a place where you can focus.
Your daughter's children are her children. Babysit when it works for you. She needs to have a childcare system in place that isn't just you anyway.
Your father needs to get help caring for your mother. It's that simple.
You are being pulled in a million different directions and are trying to make everyone happy.
They are all taking little bites out of you. No wonder you feel as you do.
Each day I "reward" myself. I do one thing just for me. It is a chance for me to clear my head, to re-focus, to plan. If you are going through menopause, you really do have to take care of yourself.
Get a facial and just zone out for an hour. Go for a walk for an hour - or even half an hour. Get out in nature. Plant a garden, one plant at a time.
Then you need to do one very nice thing for your husband. Foot massage, a special food, something that you know he would like. Take care of each other.
I think happiness will come when you order the stress in your life, when you feel more in control of your life. Before you engage with someone, pause and ask yourself how this is helping you. If it's not helping you, gracefully disengage.
It does take discipline to create the life you want. If you want it badly enough, you will do it.
It's not easy to step back, but you have to to get the peace you need. Control what you think as well. Your life will manifest your thoughts. There are positive affirmations you can recite throughout the day.
Be organized, set schedules, have a plan. Having order, daily order, in your life will help you, too.
They are not my problems to fix, you are absolutely right! I have been the fixer, the people pleaser for years so they are used to that. Now I need to untangle myself.
My dad refuses to get help. He says he is ok right now. He made that decision and he has the power to change the situation. Why do I need to make it my problem when he has the power to help himself and the situation?
My daughter does have a full time babysitter during the week while she works. I do feel bad in this situation because she cannot be at two places for her children at once and I feel the children would be the ones to miss out. The grandchildren is a tough one but I will work on that too.
My problem is I always feel bad for people. I feel bad my sister-in-laws do not give my mother-in-law attention. Not my problem, you are correct. She is also not my mother and I should not be shouldering the burden. She has 4 daughters. One does the most then one other does a bit and two do the bare minimum. She cant drive so cannot get out to get groceries. I do a lot for her but I admit it is extremely draining to be around her. All she does is complain about her ailments (some real, some in her head). I dread visiting her every week. My therapist had told me to send a fruit basket instead of visiting. I dont feel that quite helps anything. I frankly would like to tell her to shut the hell up. I am tired of hearing her go on and on every time I visit. She is never thankful for how well she actually is. I wouldn't know what to say to her to get her to stop always focusing on herself all the time.
I do feel that my life is out of control and I have mentioned this to my husband on multiple occasions. He says he feels it a bit too but it does not seem to affect him as much and maybe that is because I seem to be the one having to do most of the work. I go shopping for his mother, I make the dinner for his mother. He just comes along and falls asleep in the chair while I listen to her complain about all her ailments. I do the babysitting, I do the cooking for my parents when there. He seems to take it in stride.
I do not think he understands how much it affects me or my mental health and I think that is also an issue. I feel like I am not taken seriously or he doesn't understand how very much I feel like I am drowning at times.
My biggest issue is family. Ailing parents are tough to disengage from lol I will have to learn how to pull away and not feel like I HAVE to do something just because others do not. It really isn't fair to myself nor my husband.
You have no idea how much this response has helped me. I am serious!
I agree, it will take discipline because it is hard for me to not feel obligated or bad. I think people know when they can "use" someone even if they do not do it consciously.
It sounds like you have a good system in place and I bet you are much happier.
I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to post and give me your suggestions and advice. It is very much appreciated and I will start working on changing things immediately.
Here are a few things that occurred to me as I read your post:
Get a notebook and write down these problems. Think of 2-3 solutions. You need a few because
some solutions won't work. You want to write this down so you can analyze it.
With respect to your grandchildren, as long as your daughter has child care lined up, you are off the hook. But, of course, you want to spend time with them. Having a set day or days will help you feel more in control of your life. If your daughter tries to manipulate you, have your "line" ready: I've love to help you, honey, but you'll have to make other arrangements. No excuse. No opportunity for her to argue with you. "That just doesn't work for me."
As for your MIL - that's easy. Groceries can be ordered online, there is Amazon. Tell your H, tell your sisters-in-law that you won't be able to shop for the MIL as much as you have in the past.
Perhaps they could set up grocery delivery. Back up your words with actions and do not go shopping for her. Be sure to tell her, too, that you won't be able to what you've done in the past. She's not going to starve. If anyone gives you any crap, be calm and just say they will have to make other arrangements. Be sweet.
If you are cooking for your MIL, give the food to your H and let him know he is now the delivery service. Phrase it in such a way that he sees it is his responsibility to take care of his mother.
A mother/son bond is special. She wants to spend time with you. I'm happy to cook for her, but
it is you she wants. If he won't go, tell him you will freeze the food and when he is ready he can take it over.
As for your father - be a broken record. Dad, you need to get help. I don't have the time to listen to you complaining about the choices you have made. If they don't work for you, make different choices. Yes, I know how hard it is, that's why you need help. Love you! Bye!
Send the fruit basket to your T. What bad advice! What does that solve? It just creates new problems. No, better to state what you can do, what you no longer will do. Put people on notice and back up your words with actions. They will fight back initially because having you do everything works very well for them. Don't take the bait. Again, be ready. Have your responses
at the ready:
You will have to make other arrangements.
I already have plans.
That doesn't work for me.
I am sure you will figure something out.
You assumed a lot of these burdens all by yourself. Others did pile on. Now it is time to divest yourself and focus on only what you want to do. Be ready for the resistance! If you let your H deal with his mother by himself, you will have some time to yourself. When he comes home be sure you let him know how appreciative you are. He knows she's a pain in the ass. If you have some kind of reward for him when he comes home, he is more likely to go. Not rocket science here.
Don't complain to your H. Ask his advice. He might not actually have any good ideas, and if you are asking, you will have to take his advice. So present him with two ideas and ask him for his input. Be a team. You will bond more with him and get your marriage back on track. He will feel more important to you. He will feel a little more in control as well.
You are adjusting the focus on your life. Again, do things that will clear your head - walks, gardening, almost anything outdoors. Read a novel that you can get lost in. Do something
for your H as frequently as you can. He will appreciate it and you will benefit. Everyone else is
just using you.
Hope this helps. Now go make your list!
Have you ever thought of becoming a therapist? lol