I have a running list of things that need to change in my marriage if it works out and we manage to stay together. Some are deal breakers for me now. I am sure she has a list also but we haven't gotten to the point where we are ready to share that yet. We are barely trying to figure out if we want it to work out. She is still numb to the A. The reason I came back was partly selfish and partly because of my sense of responsibility. My IW was breaking up with me and I didn't want to be alone (that is the selfish part). I also knew that I could walk away but I really do love my aw I just want the marriage to be different, so I also wanted to try to work things out. I am still not sure I am doing the right thing, but I know honesty, with myself and her (W) was the first step.

My AP moved away. The move wasn't the complete end, but it did make things a lot easier. The final end was my last contact, and how much I realized that I was in a fog and had become smitten with somebody that I would have never had interest in if they hadn't been so close (best friend couple during our marriage.)

It's not real, at some point I realized that. It's a hidden secret that is fictitious in my own head. I made him out to be who and what I wanted him to be, a total fantasy, he knew me so well because I told him exactly what I wanted- something I'm ashamed to say I've didn't do with my spouse. Once I realized that it helped a ton.

Am I content with my choice? Yes, because I have finally taken away his control over my life. Is it easy? No, not at all.

Thanks all for your replies. It is so helpful to know others are/have been there and how you all manage. I sense, like cervelo said, he has become this unreal fantasy in my head. On some level, he represents freedom and escape from the everyday. But sometimes I just think of taking him up on his offer to meet up again-- even though it would involve a flight and hotel and all of that. How do you eventually realize that this whole life you've imagined won't make it in the real world? Again, thank you all for your replies and guidance.

Kitty, my A lasted 2 1/2 yrs. Then it was over for a yr (AP ended it). I too had made him the perfect mate in my head & thought I'd never get over him. Now we only talk thru phone & email but I've found he isn't that perfect person at all. There are many times, while we're on the phone, he'll say something that makes me roll my eyes thinking, thank god I didn't end my M & go with this guy. He's a mess!

Clover-- not to pry and certainly don't answer if you're not comfortable-- you are still in contact with you AP? Did your spouse discover the A? Is it hard to stay in touch with your AP and keep it above board?
Thanks for your reply!

Kitty, I'll answer any question you want. My spouse suspected but never caught me nor do we talk about it. It's the elephant in the middle of the room. I'll never admit it cause I know my H had an A years before I had mine but he will never admit his either.

Is it hard to stay in touch with my AP & keep it above board? Simply put, we don’t. There are calls where we are just friends & discuss day to day stuff. But sometimes AP starts reminiscing about our times together saying we were so perfect & reminding me of the love & passion we shared. I know it’s his attempt to draw me back into a PA (physical affair) but, as I tell him, I will never do that again. First of all I’ve made my choice to stay married & cannot go thru all the sneaking around again. 2nd (I don’t tell AP this) I could never love him again; not after the way he treated me but mostly bc of the person I now know he truly is.

I used to think it was the “fog” that blinded me as to what kind of person he really is but now I think it’s like any other new relationship where you both are on your best behavior to impress the other person. It’s much easier in an affair situation bc everyday contact is not possible so you make the most of the limited time you have. That’s why it takes a couple of years for the masks to come off and the true person revealed. Most times it’s a big letdown & you quickly realize this person who was so perfect for you was only perfect in your mind. In fact, you come to dislike this person when you discover they’ve been lying to you all along & just telling you what you wanted to hear. But no one, including me, does not see this in the beginning of a break up. We think we will die without this person. Only time will change this.

Now you may wonder why I continue talking to my AP. 30 yrs ago we were best friends. He was married & I was engaged to my current H. I knew he wanted me then but we held it to friendship only and did not cross the line. We reconnected 4 ½ yrs ago when we did cross the line for 2 ½ yrs. It’s something I’m not ready to put a permanent end to. Although I will never be with him I do enjoy his friendship. I know it’s wrong but I have no one else to share anything with except my H.

Clover-- I think you are right about this:

"Most times it’s a big letdown & you quickly realize this person who was so perfect for you was only perfect in your mind."

I have to remind myself that even though it provided a sense of freedom and recklessness, it wasn't something that could continue. If I'm rational about this, I say I barely know him, he lives in another country, he's younger than me, no kids-- I mean, where is this really going to go? Am I going to pull my kids out of their lives and bring them to this guy's apartment and we will all live happily ever after? Not likely, yeah?

I need to focus on finding contentment and happiness in the life I have now-- not what might have been. i hope that time will provide more clarity.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your advice with me. It is much appreciated.