Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
BS came over last night because he "wanted to see the dog". its been over a week since we last saw eachother,which was two days post D-Day. though conversations have become much more civilized. last night, our texting seemed almost normal. I was expecting him to tear into me and be mean, so i got myself all upset stressing about it, but when he finally showed up, he was.. normal.. like before D-Day, a little cool, but normal. He even stuck around for a while. I didn't know what to make of it, i was afraid to cross a line, so i kept as much distance as I could, even though i craved to be close to him. we talked about our thanksgivings, the conversation was a little strained, because I was waiting for some sort of attack, but there was none. he even invited me to sit next to him to watch tv. and then he casually touched me. and then he asked me for a kiss, and i was so filled with joy and hope, i cried. so i kissed him. and then he said "this doesn't mean i'm back", and then i got overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts, i went to the bathroom and cried some more. of course one kiss doesn't mean all is forgiven. I know that. as he was leaving, I asked him for a hug and he held me for a minute.
then I texted him thanking him for coming over, and to apologize for my lack of composure.
he texted me back accusing me of not really wanting him back, but what he stood for. he didnt understand why I want to try to work things out, because "history shows people dont change". he went on to say that he misses me and still cares and still loves me, but he doesn't want to see me cry anymore, that I shouldn't be the one crying because i'm the one who caused this mess. he said I need to be strong and independent before he will consider coming back to me (i disagree here, that crying makes me weak. i think i was pretty strong in keeping my distance and being quiet, when every fiber of my being craved to be close to him and beg and plead until i was blue in the face)
then he asked me to come over and spend the night with him, and I did.
he says he doesn't know what he wants to do yet, but I want to see these as good signs, that he isnt repulsed by me, that he doesn't hate me, that he wants to spend time with me. I, with no doubt in my mind, can see us working out if he gives us a chance. I am determined to change, and i've already started to change.
Am i delusional?
then I texted him thanking him for coming over, and to apologize for my lack of composure.
he texted me back accusing me of not really wanting him back, but what he stood for. he didnt understand why I want to try to work things out, because "history shows people dont change". he went on to say that he misses me and still cares and still loves me, but he doesn't want to see me cry anymore, that I shouldn't be the one crying because i'm the one who caused this mess. he said I need to be strong and independent before he will consider coming back to me (i disagree here, that crying makes me weak. i think i was pretty strong in keeping my distance and being quiet, when every fiber of my being craved to be close to him and beg and plead until i was blue in the face)
then he asked me to come over and spend the night with him, and I did.
he says he doesn't know what he wants to do yet, but I want to see these as good signs, that he isnt repulsed by me, that he doesn't hate me, that he wants to spend time with me. I, with no doubt in my mind, can see us working out if he gives us a chance. I am determined to change, and i've already started to change.
Am i delusional?
Give him time, dont be afraid to give reassurances of your love & aplogies as often as he may need it. Hopefully he'll be able to see that your A had nothig to do with him, and all to do with you.
There many books on the subject of infidelity to read, and you might to glance over at the infidelity board. I wouldn't reccomend posting just yet but if you read what some bs are going through, you can have a better understanding of what your bs is going through. I know coming here and reading what some cs were going through helped me.
It sounds like you are remorseful and want to work through this. It takes so much time, hard work, and most of all patience. Good luck. I'm an advocate of a rebuilding. If my H and I can make it through this mess anybody can.
It took me a long time to discover ds and I was already back to living with my cs and about 1.5 year into the attempt to rebuild. I woner if I would have found peace sooner had I found this place. I had friends but eventually their shoulders got tired.
I've learned to sperate my husband from his actions, I've learned to forgive, I've learned to seperate the past from the present and see my life as the pre A and post A marriage. I much prefer the post A. Crazy right?
All of this madness made us stronger and more willing to move heaven and earth to stay together. I've also learned that I am capable of being alone and having a functional cs renting relationship with my H. If he were ever to make the mistake again of having an A, I know for a fact I would not only leave but
Eave knowing I had no regrets.
We are far from a perfect marriage but when we slip,and fall into old patterns of behavior (mainly with communication and connection issues) we are quick to recognize it and change it back.
I've learned to love and accept my stepson and really appreciate what he means to my H and especialy my youngest )who adores him). They are so close and the oc truely enjoys his time with us. My family has even accepted him as he has come to my fathers 2 times this summer.
It's a bizarre new normal but it's our normal and that's all that really matters in the end.