Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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stuckfast 01/12/2015

All
If you've read my posts you'll see hat I am going through a massive transition (OW initiated no contact-never thought it would happen).
All thoughts of all kinds are swimming through my head. I swing wildly from one extreme to the other in terms of wanting to end my M, break no contact, even flirting with other women. Is this the fog?
Can someone please comment on their take of what the fog is,how it affected you, how long it lasts for and what you did to help yourself?
Thank you.

desertflower123 01/12/2015

The article in link has a pretty good explanation of the "fog".

http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/07/10/coping-with-infidelity-understanding-the-wayward-fog/

stuckfast 01/12/2015

Thank you. This is very helpful

desertflower123 01/12/2015

You're welcome.

CloverMoon 01/13/2015

IMO, the fog is being in love with love, the feeling, not the person. Unfortunately in an A we put our AP on a pedestal our spouses can't compete with. Eventually the fog dissipates either by a breakup initiated by either you or the AP or divorce from the spouse when you are forced to see the AP for who they really are.

shoretimenow 01/13/2015

I agree with Clover. The only way to describe it for me was "that feeling"......You can't see or think straight. You are so immersed in the drama of an A that you are not seeing it for what it is clearly. I think you can still end an affair and be a fog. Mine ended on a very poor note and for months I couldn't rationalize or comprehend what it really was. I looked at everything through rose color glasses.

You are unable to have awareness of 1) Real relationships aren't 'secret' and 2) Real relationships are open, make you feel good, grow, and thrive.

It probably took me, truly, 6 months to really, really see things for what they were and that was after I ended it.

whatamithinking 01/14/2015

For me it was a mental state of making decisions based on the "vision" or fantasy of what my life would be like with my AP. It was mostly an emotional affair. We would spend hours sitting in the grass talking about what our lives would be like together. None of those conversations included the devastation that would occur to both of our households, or our children, or child-support/alimony, etc. It was all about walking on the beach, going to the symphony, trips to Paris, candle-lit dinners. Not that those things couldn't occur, but would we still feel the bliss of doing those things when we were negotiating with two adversarial ex-es, arranging child-care schedules, liquidating assets and divvying up a lifetime of shared possessions? The true reality of all of that was outside of anything we could see. It was like we thought we could just jump in the car and run away with no consequences. And that fantasy became so overwhelming that I couldn't put it down even when I knew in moments of rational thought that it's preposterous. So I continued to text in the bathroom and sneak away for lunches/coffee/or whatever. I still DO think that he and I are quite suitable for each other and that if we had met in circumstances where we were honestly available, we would have a beautiful life together, but that time is not now. And feeding that connection more energy will not bring either of us peace of mind, sadly.

stuckfast 01/14/2015

Whatamithinking that has to be one of the most helpful posts I've read for my current state of mind.

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