Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
So, I think about this crap all the time, thanks to my lovely situation. Curious as to what you guys would say.
1. Why'd you begin an A? Was it for the thrill alone? Did you meet someone you really liked and couldn't resist them? Were you horny/lonely/whatever and your AP was the first person who came along??
2. If you were single right now at this moment, and had the option to pursue a relationship with either your spouse or your AP, which one do you think you'd choose?
3. Similarly, as a partner, do you feel you are better suited to your spouse or your AP?
My answers:
1. I was definitely lonely, and horny. But it was mostly for the companionship. I also really like my AP; he is absolutely someone I would date IRL.
2. AP definitely.
3. Again, AP. I never wanted to marry my spouse in the first place - I knew from the beginning we didn't go well together. My AP isn't perfect, but we have a hell of a lot more in common both personality-wise and interests-wise.
1. Why'd you begin an A? Was it for the thrill alone? Did you meet someone you really liked and couldn't resist them? Were you horny/lonely/whatever and your AP was the first person who came along??
2. If you were single right now at this moment, and had the option to pursue a relationship with either your spouse or your AP, which one do you think you'd choose?
3. Similarly, as a partner, do you feel you are better suited to your spouse or your AP?
My answers:
1. I was definitely lonely, and horny. But it was mostly for the companionship. I also really like my AP; he is absolutely someone I would date IRL.
2. AP definitely.
3. Again, AP. I never wanted to marry my spouse in the first place - I knew from the beginning we didn't go well together. My AP isn't perfect, but we have a hell of a lot more in common both personality-wise and interests-wise.
8 months ago - - your answers; all day, every day.
Today:
1. Met someone I really liked and couldn't resist them. Convinced both of us we were in love and soul mates, which was not hard to do. You can easily convince the willing..
2. Neither, actually. If I were single right now I would stay the fuck single!
3. I have no idea how suited I would be for someone with which I lived in a completely fantasy land. However my H and I are a pretty good team, at times.
You can tell me I'm in the "fog", etc etc but don't worry. My wanting to leave my marriage has very little to do with my A. If I broke it off with AP tomorrow, it wouldn't make me wish to stay with my H any more. If I wanted to be married to my H, I wouldn't have started an A in the first place. Why would ANYONE start an A if they already had a great relationship?
I enjoy reading this board but I feel like sometimes everyone is putting so much emphasis on "saving your marriage." Why the fuck would I want to save something I didn't want in the first place?? Isn't there anyone else who got into an A precisely because they DIDN"T want to save their marriage?
Why would I choose my spouse over my AP or anyone, for that matter? All this bullshit about "belonging" to your spouse has always rubbed me the wrong way. No one belongs to ANYONE. How many times have I heard shit like, "you made a commitment, stick to it". Yeah, I made a commitment, being your typical brilliant 21-year-old that thought, "hey, I don't like him much but I'm preggers and he wants to get married, so I guess I gotta do it." If we all made important life decisions at 21 and were forced to stick to them forever, would that make the world a better place? What do you think??
I enjoy reading this board but I feel like sometimes everyone is putting so much emphasis on "saving your marriage." Why the fuck would I want to save something I didn't want in the first place??
I agree with the others except for question 2: "If you were single who would you choose".
I think MY problem is/was (and all APs, A's are different) is that if I were dating I wouldn't choose my AP. Maybe THEN I would have, but not now.....after all my AP was a master manipulator and the other day I read how you hear them lying to their spouse on the phone like nothing is up..and it makes you wonder......yep I agree with that.....I did the same thing.
I agree that you wouldn't start an A if you had a great relationship. Oh minispa, if I could go on with the arguments we had before I looked elsewhere. I actually told my H I wanted a separation before I had my first A. Fast forward 6 years and a few A's later.....in some ways I think my A's helped my M because I see that the grass is not greener and maybe I should stay here and work on what I have. And I told him that, because it wasn't all me. No one does belong to anyone......and I certainly didn't stay in this marriage because I made a commitment, I stayed in this M because, from my experiences and what I was creating, I learned that I was probably going to lose him and either had to stay or go. I couldn't have both. I just chose to stay.
Not all marriages or relationships are meant to be saved, that's for damn sure.....
"I enjoy reading this board but I feel like sometimes everyone is putting so much emphasis on "saving your marriage." Why the fuck would I want to save something I didn't want in the first place??"
Honestly, I thought that that was the point of this whole board????? I mean, everyone should be welcome here, but most of us are here because we are married and cheated and don't want to cheat, regret the cheating, and want to stay married. Otherwise, what is the point of this board?
You don't go to Pizza Hut and complaint "damn all these folks are ordering pizza and I want a hamburger."
As for what you said about if I wanted to stay married, then I wouldn't have had an A in the first place. Well, I have asked myself that question many times. I don't know, before my A. my marriage was not great and I had contributed to the problems. I was depressed, felt lonely, was bored etc. OW offered excitement, respect, hot blow jobs, etc. All the cliches were there. The fog of the A is real for many of us and then the fog lifts and we realize that that is not we want to live anymore. As bad as the marriage might have been, we realize that going with the AP is just trading one set of problems for another. Of course everyone is different, and I understand your background, but I have been here since March 2015 because even if my W had problems I'd rather be in that life.
Two years ago, we started to see each other more often, and my feelings for him came back. We were texting late one night while H was away on a business trip and the rest is history. I was feeling bad about my marriage and my H at that time already.
2. I would definitely not choose H! Of that I am certain! But would I choose my AP? I don't know. I would probably take a break from all of it and be single for awhile.
3. I think that AP & I are awesome together in so many ways, but I don't know how it would be if we were together full time. I have lost faith in monogamy and committed relationships in general.
You are right. I've just been wrapped up in my own emotional drama this past week.
2. Neither. I chose to end things with both my H and my AP for I know that both relationships were toxic in their own ways. The A took more time and effort to get over than my M. I stayed single for a while, and found myself again.
3. Again neither. Starting over was the best thing I did.
Sedgwick, I totally respect you and others here for wanting to work on your marriage. But it's so far from where I am. One thing I think we all have in common is we hate being in this position, split between our marriages and our As. I'm looking forward to the day when I am free of both and can start over in a full-on, normal relationship.