Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

943 Members

4,471 Posts

0 Online

chillwill 05/17/2016

I know that you can't fairly compare the wife to the other OW but I continue to do so. The OW pales in comparison to my wife but the OW makes me happy and I love her personality. The OW has that 20% that's missing in my marriage, conversation and fun, which hasn't been present in my marriage. My wife and I have never done much together that was just good times other than traveling which can't be done frequently.

I did try NC for about a month and I did notice that things in the marriage started to become pallitable but we still didn't start doing things together. We did take a painting class together which was fun but there were paintings of sugar skulls on the walls that reminded me of the OW because she loves them. It's like I have to force myself to want to do things with my wife and I think it shouldn't be that way and I should want to. I have always been the planner in our marriage and since the years of neglect I don't have the energy nor the want to.

I deserve happiness but is it right for me to leave my marriage solely for personality? Should I find my own happiness in my current situation? What about the kid Safety? (Son 9 daughter 7)

I can't stand the thought of my wife nor the OW being with another man. It eats me up because I know they deserve better from me or someone else.

gravinggirl 05/17/2016

I had a similar issue, as my AP was quite different from my husband and my marriage was distant and disconnected for a decade. I am not someone who looks back at my AP and can't understand what I saw in him. He is an interesting person who might have been a decent match for me in some alternate universe where we had both been single instead of betraying and in the end destroying our families. My AP wanted me to leave with him, and he is divorcing, so he will be free to find another relationship (which hurts to imagine).

I stayed, at least so far, because of the kids and some hope that perhaps my marriage can improve. I honestly don't know if I can "fall in love" with my husband again, but I don't want to rush and make a huge mistake. Being stuck in ambivalence where you and I are is painful.

thepassenger 05/17/2016

It's a hard thing. My AP and I have a lot in common, more than my wife and I, which I wish I had realized sooner. AP is more compatible in terms of lifestyle preferences. We probably would have made a good match but it's all tainted by the shame and deception of the affair.

Sometimes it's better not to have your cake and eat it too. Sometimes it's better to be blissfully ignorant than to get to know someone you might hit it off with. I was happy before I realized I wasn't.

chillwill 05/17/2016

I knew I was unhappy but not to what extent until I met my AP.

chillwill 05/17/2016

My wife:
Kindness: check
Good with money: check
Attractive: check
Easy going: check
Non argumentative: check
Non controlling: check
Great cook: check
Let's me go as I please: check
Sex: out of this world (check)
Exciting to be around: "NO"
Great conversation: "NO"

guiltyassin 05/17/2016

At the risk of my female friends beating me here...... I have to say this. Out of this world sex, and no conversation? I'd kill to be in your shoes. All talk (yelling, actually) and no sex. Trade?

minspa 05/17/2016

Guilty, your response had me laughing out loud! Nice one!

shoretimenow 05/18/2016

Guilty....every man's dream....uh huh.....and I've been told more than once to "Why don't you just sit there and look pretty". (I"m sure that doesn't surprise you) Funny.

Chillwill, don't we all want our cake and eat it to? Its under the objectives and mission statement in having an affair, to the best of my knowledge, no?

Let me ask you..... If you feel this way about your wife, that you are more friends than lovers, that she is not exciting, that she doesn't provide you enough stimulating conversation, that you knew after your honeymoon all this, why do you stay with her?
Why don't you allow her to find someone who will enjoy her company?

What about your kids? Don't your kids deserve parents who are into each other and that have a healthy thriving marriage? Believe it or not, kids learn what they live. They will repeat patterns that they learned growing up. I'm a prime example.

PS. You need NC wayyyyy more than a month..........I'm working on 12+ months and its still a work in progress.

gravinggirl 05/18/2016

Going against the stereotype here, but my former AP (male) was a huge talker/connector/emotional person and I (female) am intensely private and composed. I think the problem in my marriage is a lack of intellectual stimulation and that both of us are challenged when it comes to open and honest conversation.

chillwill 05/20/2016

I think that is the only thing that is missing in my marriage is the intellectual stimulation. I've gone NC again and it has been 4 days. This time it's not like before. I actually feel that my wife and exAP deserves better.

Join the Conversation