Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
So after 3 weeks of "structured separation" (5 months after Dday), I'm strangely content. I'm in my own space, doing my own studies, working on my parents' ranch and have established a healthy routine. In fact, while I'm certainly not clamoring for the divorce to go through, I feel oddly freed.
I don't think I love my wife... A crazy thing to admit and frightening to see it in "print," but it seems true. She's so angry, so afraid, and so cold, it's hard for me to feel anything left. I was trying so hard all this time to reconcile (and still will, if there's a hand in the dark somewhere), but now I feel content with letting it go.
The kids make my heart ache, and for that I'll do my best (I'm obeying the "rules" of this separation). But we FaceTime every night and it seems to be working out. Maybe divorce is a feasible answer. Never thought I would be here, but I feel so happily ALIVE on my own right now.
p.s. This is day 3 of my abstinence/fast, I wonder if this has something to do with the improved mood? I wouldn't have guessed it...
I don't think I love my wife... A crazy thing to admit and frightening to see it in "print," but it seems true. She's so angry, so afraid, and so cold, it's hard for me to feel anything left. I was trying so hard all this time to reconcile (and still will, if there's a hand in the dark somewhere), but now I feel content with letting it go.
The kids make my heart ache, and for that I'll do my best (I'm obeying the "rules" of this separation). But we FaceTime every night and it seems to be working out. Maybe divorce is a feasible answer. Never thought I would be here, but I feel so happily ALIVE on my own right now.
p.s. This is day 3 of my abstinence/fast, I wonder if this has something to do with the improved mood? I wouldn't have guessed it...
You're kids will be ok because you'll be better. I grew up with my parents fighting terribly every day and it affected me in a huge way, yet they stayed together. My H's parent's divorced when he was a kid. He always says he feels like he had a more stable and happy upbringing that I did because he didn't live in turmoil.
As I've wrote on here, I feel like I still love my wife, but I'm not sure she feels the same way. That's a hard pill to swallow, but at the same time, I do feel myself softening up to the unknown road ahead. Through all of the bullshit I've done, I think I'm at least beginning to see life a little more clearly. What's important, what's not. And, perhaps most importantly, I'm trying to embrace the idea of letting go. Not necessarily of letting go of my wife (because, as I said, I think I still want her), but of letting go of this pompous idea of "control." We have far less control than we think we do, and we're all so scared of not being in control. But it's OK to not be in control. You'll be OK.
So as I attempt to make things work with my W, I keep telling myself, "You'll be OK no matter what. Wherever life takes you is OK, and you need to embrace that moment."
It can seem nearly impossible to let go of our comfort zone (i.e. existing marriage, even if miserable), and we all question ourselves as to "is this the right thing to do for my kids? While in the short-term, breakups are clearly hellish, for the long-term I think they are truly the healthy thing to do for those of us who are truly, sadly miserable and have been for many years in our current marriages. You're breaking out of that short-term hell and coming to realize that the sun still shines, the water's still blue and that not being with a partner who doesn't meet your most fundamental relationship needs is possibly, actually a good thing.
Very soon you will be spending plenty of time with the kids again, and all be doing quite well, married or not. You and your children will always be a family. You can even include your ex-wife (if you divorce) under the family umbrella as well if there isn't too much animosity. I've seen it done.
As for me, if my spouse filed for a D tomorrow, I feel like the only thing I'd have to say is "don't let the door hit you on the way out", but we all know it isn't that easy. I've struggled with finding the right time to do it. But your words have really given me hope, that even if I do file and go through that short-term hell, that peace is just around the corner.
And its ok......not all marriages are meant to last. Its not simple, its not concrete and the road isn't smooth.....BUT in the end you have to desire YOUR happiness (and in fairness your spouse's happiness) above all else.
Life is too short to be stuck in a miserable relationship for the rest of your life.
As for the children, children ARE NOT the reason to stay in an unhappy relationship and if anything they learn what they live and will stay clear of marriage if they are in the midst of an unhappy one. I know of many children of divorced parents who married, happily. I also know of many families that although divorced, stayed actively and lovingly involved with their children. Stick to your guns, stay the course, have your message be consistent, and all the pieces will fall into place. They will.