Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
So I've cheated in every relationship I've had (I'm 30 and been in 3 serious ones). I'm currently in the best relationship I've ever had. We have normal ups and downs but overall we are a great team. After my last relationship destroyed me, I took the time to work on myself. I knew I was using sex as a coping skill for my depression and self hatred. I got better and have almost made it 3 years without cheating. Unfortunately, I am being tempted. I was messing with someone when I met my current partner. The friend with benefits (fwb) and I have a toxic relationship but I've never been able to stay away. The sex is amazing and we just have a weird intense connection. It wouldn't work dating wise though. We are very different people. Anyways, I'm trying to be friends with him because I desire him in my life (that weird connection). We were very distant until recently. Now we have hung out a couple times and all the feelings/intensity are still there. I really don't always want to be the cheater. I don't want to hurt my partner either. But I'm so drawn to my old fwb. And we never did get our "goodbye" sex. I keep trying to rationalize doing it one last time. I'm lost. I know what I should do (avoid fwb) but he is my friend and I care about him and idk how to let go. I figured this was a good place to vent my struggles. Any words you all have to offer I will take.
2. think about why you are drawn to cheating. I personally don't think that rigid, perfect monogamy is for everyone and that is ok. But what matters is that you have to be open with your partner/spouse/boygirlfriend with that (and also open and honest with yourself!). I found a book called Ethical Slut, and I only ever started to read it, but it made so much sense to me to understand myself better. I tried to talk to my husband about it but that is why I never got to buy it or read more! Personally, I wouldn't consider myself a "cheater" just a person who cheated because I was ready to accept that my marriage relationship wasn't right for either of us, and then I discovered that I could love and feel sexual desire again after all after finding someone (my AP) who understands me so well without even trying and who I feel like I've known for lifetimes. I also have a ex-boyfriend whom I haven't spoken to in 20 years, but we were so close and I still feel like I have a spiritual connection to him all this time later (with a few specific freaky incidences that "confirm" that, oh the joys of the internet to give that evidence.) So, my husband saw Ethical Slut as me seeking a guidebook to jump the bones of any Tom, Dick, Harry, or Jane who I saw interesting, when I saw it as a a philosopical explanation and approach to people and living that made sense to me and more importantly, made sense OF me. (because if he knew at all after our 20 years together, or even just in the past 3, he should know that I don't work that way - I don't/can't just look at someone and want to jump their bones. ugh!
To be clear, I certainly am not passing any judgment on you for your decisions but in any relationship it is not only about you. There is another person who is part of the mix and who can be greatly hurt. I discovered after my stupid mistake and confession that I caused great harm, but may not have needed too had I just been honest to my wife and to myself.
Couples counseling may be something that you could look into with your partner if you want to maintain the relationship.
I wish you luck and hope that you find what you are looking for.
So far I’ve done really well at saying no. It’s the best I’ve ever done in my life. I do try to keep my partner in mind and how the decision to cheat would harm him so much and change his outlook for the rest of his life. We do talk openly about our needs and things though he does not know about my feelings for my old fwb. I also don’t want to lose my partner. Yet, I have craved my fwb since we stopped hooking up. Even when we didn’t talk, I’d reminisce and fantasize. I wish hall passes were a real thing.
Peaceofmind, I will need to read that book.
I have found that the relationship suffers no more or less once both parties agree in common to what it is and it’s limits. With that said, I don’t see that being in the cards for you and FWB dude. Too much history and emotion. I know, I’ve been there. Good luck!