Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
This is a weird situation for me. For those that know me and my story. i was in a 3-yr A. The last yr was more off than on because I initiated NC many times. But after constant attempts, I would cave and resume talking/txting with OM.
During the long stretches of NC I worked very hard on my M and family. I started seeing OM for the person he really is - someone troubled and regardless of the screwed up state of his M, he was still interfering with mine. SO I should be mad at that. I should be more protective of my M and family.
Here's my problem, I have once again caved and replied to OM and we're talking/txting again. It is no longer a PA. But I know it's just as bad because it's an EA. I know I am risking my M, which I have worked so hard on over the last yr to rebuild and reconnect. So why do I feel the need to help OM? He is going through such a rough time and I feel this need to be there for him to talk to. I offer up support to him and urge him to think about what he's doing, if he feels his M is salvageable then he should be pouring his energy into it.
Throughout the A, when I felt my M was at it's lowest and that H and I have just changed too much over the last 22 yrs and felt maybe we shouldn't be together anymore, OM and I talked about a future. I admit, looking back now, I was in a "fog" - everything seemed right, we were invincible, the whole nine yards.
I am no longer in that fog. OM and I have had big fights about trust, and the way we handle problems, etc and I see the person he is - his personality, it's flakey, un stable. If we were single, I'm not sure we really could sustain a relationship because we are so opposite. The A was not all fun and rainbows either and I wasnt in la-la land all the time. I know part of it is because I too thought that since I did this horrible thing and had an A, that my M must have truly been over and I was supposed to be with OM.
So why do I still talk to him and think we can be friends? Has anyone experienced this? Where they want to be out of the A, but feels the need to help their AP? I am not in contact with him for selfish reasons. I feel after all we talked about we've always been there for each other during the worst parts and I am just being a friend. I don't get all crazed if we don't talk for a few days. I don't feel an addiction or pull to sneak away and meet him anymore. I felt worse when we were NC. Always wondering how he is doing if he is OK. I feel like a piece of me is missing when he's not there.
I just cant let go.
During the long stretches of NC I worked very hard on my M and family. I started seeing OM for the person he really is - someone troubled and regardless of the screwed up state of his M, he was still interfering with mine. SO I should be mad at that. I should be more protective of my M and family.
Here's my problem, I have once again caved and replied to OM and we're talking/txting again. It is no longer a PA. But I know it's just as bad because it's an EA. I know I am risking my M, which I have worked so hard on over the last yr to rebuild and reconnect. So why do I feel the need to help OM? He is going through such a rough time and I feel this need to be there for him to talk to. I offer up support to him and urge him to think about what he's doing, if he feels his M is salvageable then he should be pouring his energy into it.
Throughout the A, when I felt my M was at it's lowest and that H and I have just changed too much over the last 22 yrs and felt maybe we shouldn't be together anymore, OM and I talked about a future. I admit, looking back now, I was in a "fog" - everything seemed right, we were invincible, the whole nine yards.
I am no longer in that fog. OM and I have had big fights about trust, and the way we handle problems, etc and I see the person he is - his personality, it's flakey, un stable. If we were single, I'm not sure we really could sustain a relationship because we are so opposite. The A was not all fun and rainbows either and I wasnt in la-la land all the time. I know part of it is because I too thought that since I did this horrible thing and had an A, that my M must have truly been over and I was supposed to be with OM.
So why do I still talk to him and think we can be friends? Has anyone experienced this? Where they want to be out of the A, but feels the need to help their AP? I am not in contact with him for selfish reasons. I feel after all we talked about we've always been there for each other during the worst parts and I am just being a friend. I don't get all crazed if we don't talk for a few days. I don't feel an addiction or pull to sneak away and meet him anymore. I felt worse when we were NC. Always wondering how he is doing if he is OK. I feel like a piece of me is missing when he's not there.
I just cant let go.
I appreciate you sharing your story. I will admit there is the sexual tension btwn us. Weve both said we cant be just friends because we crossed that line and we love each other. He said he wants to be with me, but will settle for this. He just wants me in his life. We both feel lost, like something is missing when i try and end it.
How long was your A? How long have you had NC? Do you feel reconnected with your H?
So what do you get out of someone broken needing you to help him? Are you codependent in all of your relationships, or just a few like this one? Is your H a pretty together guy, the kids are getting independent and you do not feel needed so much at home, even if you do feel loved? These and similar questions are what I would be asking myself to try to figure out why it is worth you no longer being, and I will quote you "protective of my M and family"?
For as long as you sense that someone else is a piece that somehow completes you, you will be,locked into codependency which is essentially emotional addiction. He has to do the same personal work of becoming a whole person. Neither of you will do that work in each other's presence.
If you can't maintain NC on your own then I suggest, again, that you tell your H and let him motivate you.
Seriously Fiber, I thought I had a handle on things. Ive spent the better part of the last year working on my M. I know OM was always looming in the background. But I knew I wanted to end the A. I knew it was wrong.
http://mindfulconstruct.com/2010/07/09/end-a-codependent-relationship-the-healthy-way/
Of course I could live without the OM and his wife and his kids, and so could my kids, but allowing that would have released me from all the drama, from that which made me Feel So Alive!!! And I couldn't live without that, either.
Healthy interdependence says "yes, I can live without you. I choose to live with you be,side we enhance each others lives, lift each other up and encourage each other to grow even if growing means that there is a chance we will grow apart. That would be an acceptable outcome of our time together if we are both whole, because I can live without you."
Is there room and encouragement for you to grow personally within your relationship? Is there acceptance of where you are now and your need for growth? Is there even awareness of such a need? And if the relationship will crumble into dust if you are truly known by your husband then is it a relationship or an illusion+