Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Hi all,
about three months ago, I cheated on my SO of 5 years. It all started in September, when I met a colleague at a conference; nothing happened then, but it was obvious that there was a strong connection and we kept on talking on a daily basis ever since we met. The conversations were friendly but they took place extremely often, and at some point it was obvious that we felt something for each other. He was (and is) engaged to his GF and we both were deeply in love with our SOs, so we thought about it as a nice once-in-a-lifetime connection that wouldn't evolve from there (we also live in different countries, which made matters safer).
For the last 3 years, however, my relationship wasn't on a healthy spot. I was (and am) madly in love, a type of love I had never experienced before (I'm 30, and before meeting him, my average relationship was about 8 to 12 months long, and I always was the one to break it up due to lack of feelings and overall sensation of being trapped). For some reason, he swore he loved me, but had issues showing it to me. We also had cultural clashes (I'm southern-european, he's center-european), and he often made me feel bad about behaviours that are common in my culture (ways of joking, openness in talking, etc.) or that are part of my upbringing. Long story short, he often made me feel bad about myself, and at some points he even told me to my face that I was a bad person and that I treated everyone badly (my family, and my friends). When I'd ask him why would he want to be with someone like me, if I was that bad, he'd answer that he was always hoping that I'd change. All in all I wasn't feeling valued, I started having very low self-esteem, and even thought that people couldn't possibly like me and felt very inadequate every time I would meet someone new. He was aware of all this, as every now and then I would bring it up (among tears) and we would have a long conversation. After such conversations, he would be more understanding and tell me that he didn't want me to feel that way, and that he would try to show me his love, but that only would last some time until it all would go the old ways. We both agreed that most of our relationship was great, and irreplaceable during the "good times" (which I would say were around 80% of it all), but awful during the "bad times".
The funny thing is, ever since I met the OM, my relationship with my SO improved significantly. I started to feel better about myself, and that reflected on us.
Things with OM kept escalating, and I started to feel something had to be done to put a stop to it. I tried a couple of times to just stop talking to him, but in the end I felt too anxious and went back to talking. I decided that we had to meet in person (we only saw each other face to face during the conference, and there wasn't even flirtation then) and talk about this all and find a solution not to hurt anyone. Big mistake. We met for a weekend in a neighbouring country (I told my SO about this, he wasn't happy but I swore we were just friends, which at the time felt true) and after some drinks, and a long discussion about why we wanted to remain with our SOs and why starting something together wasn't an option for us, we ended up getting physical. The day after, we behaved as if we were in a relationship, in a complete denial-of-reality state, holding hands on the street, etc. After we separated I cried my eyes out. I missed him terribly. But back with my SO it all felt really wrong. I couldn't touch him or be intimate with him, and I argued that I wasn't feeling well (I was also a nerve wrack). But I kept on talking with OM, and this time we were very open about our feelings, still deciding to stay with our SOs. A week after the A, my SO read my e-mails and confronted me, and after one week of trying to work it out, he decided he couldn't forgive me and broke up, took his things and went to his parents (again, in a different country).
I never thought I'd do something like this, but after a lot of thinking I realised that 1) I liked more the way I was feeling about myself, than the (what I thought was) love I felt for OM; after my break up we kept on talking, and he wanted to keep the A, but I felt so bad that I decided to end contact. I'm not really missing him, since I'm filled with the feelings of missing my ex-SO, 2) my relationship had a negative impact on how I viewed myself, and the A reminded me that I can be liked and that I have positive aspects that other people find appealing, which made me stick to it, and 3) this all has been so devastating that I know I wouldn't do it again. Ex-SO has asked for no contact, and we may talk again sometime in summer. I really want nothing else but to be with him, but I doubt it's going to happen, as I think he'll never forgive me.
Even though all the problems in my relationship, I still feel that if I wouldn't have taken the step to have a full-blown A, my ex-SO wouldn't have left. I've been for 3 months dealing with self-loathing, guilt, shame, anxiety attacks, uncontrollable crying... and I'm in the waiting list to receive psychological treatment for depression. I cannot see the moment when I'll be feeling better about all this, and sometimes I just feel that I have spoiled my life with this and I will never be able to recover from it.
I would greatly appreciate any advise regarding how to move on from this, and also if it'd be possible at all for my ex-SO and I to ever try it out again.
Thanks in advance!
about three months ago, I cheated on my SO of 5 years. It all started in September, when I met a colleague at a conference; nothing happened then, but it was obvious that there was a strong connection and we kept on talking on a daily basis ever since we met. The conversations were friendly but they took place extremely often, and at some point it was obvious that we felt something for each other. He was (and is) engaged to his GF and we both were deeply in love with our SOs, so we thought about it as a nice once-in-a-lifetime connection that wouldn't evolve from there (we also live in different countries, which made matters safer).
For the last 3 years, however, my relationship wasn't on a healthy spot. I was (and am) madly in love, a type of love I had never experienced before (I'm 30, and before meeting him, my average relationship was about 8 to 12 months long, and I always was the one to break it up due to lack of feelings and overall sensation of being trapped). For some reason, he swore he loved me, but had issues showing it to me. We also had cultural clashes (I'm southern-european, he's center-european), and he often made me feel bad about behaviours that are common in my culture (ways of joking, openness in talking, etc.) or that are part of my upbringing. Long story short, he often made me feel bad about myself, and at some points he even told me to my face that I was a bad person and that I treated everyone badly (my family, and my friends). When I'd ask him why would he want to be with someone like me, if I was that bad, he'd answer that he was always hoping that I'd change. All in all I wasn't feeling valued, I started having very low self-esteem, and even thought that people couldn't possibly like me and felt very inadequate every time I would meet someone new. He was aware of all this, as every now and then I would bring it up (among tears) and we would have a long conversation. After such conversations, he would be more understanding and tell me that he didn't want me to feel that way, and that he would try to show me his love, but that only would last some time until it all would go the old ways. We both agreed that most of our relationship was great, and irreplaceable during the "good times" (which I would say were around 80% of it all), but awful during the "bad times".
The funny thing is, ever since I met the OM, my relationship with my SO improved significantly. I started to feel better about myself, and that reflected on us.
Things with OM kept escalating, and I started to feel something had to be done to put a stop to it. I tried a couple of times to just stop talking to him, but in the end I felt too anxious and went back to talking. I decided that we had to meet in person (we only saw each other face to face during the conference, and there wasn't even flirtation then) and talk about this all and find a solution not to hurt anyone. Big mistake. We met for a weekend in a neighbouring country (I told my SO about this, he wasn't happy but I swore we were just friends, which at the time felt true) and after some drinks, and a long discussion about why we wanted to remain with our SOs and why starting something together wasn't an option for us, we ended up getting physical. The day after, we behaved as if we were in a relationship, in a complete denial-of-reality state, holding hands on the street, etc. After we separated I cried my eyes out. I missed him terribly. But back with my SO it all felt really wrong. I couldn't touch him or be intimate with him, and I argued that I wasn't feeling well (I was also a nerve wrack). But I kept on talking with OM, and this time we were very open about our feelings, still deciding to stay with our SOs. A week after the A, my SO read my e-mails and confronted me, and after one week of trying to work it out, he decided he couldn't forgive me and broke up, took his things and went to his parents (again, in a different country).
I never thought I'd do something like this, but after a lot of thinking I realised that 1) I liked more the way I was feeling about myself, than the (what I thought was) love I felt for OM; after my break up we kept on talking, and he wanted to keep the A, but I felt so bad that I decided to end contact. I'm not really missing him, since I'm filled with the feelings of missing my ex-SO, 2) my relationship had a negative impact on how I viewed myself, and the A reminded me that I can be liked and that I have positive aspects that other people find appealing, which made me stick to it, and 3) this all has been so devastating that I know I wouldn't do it again. Ex-SO has asked for no contact, and we may talk again sometime in summer. I really want nothing else but to be with him, but I doubt it's going to happen, as I think he'll never forgive me.
Even though all the problems in my relationship, I still feel that if I wouldn't have taken the step to have a full-blown A, my ex-SO wouldn't have left. I've been for 3 months dealing with self-loathing, guilt, shame, anxiety attacks, uncontrollable crying... and I'm in the waiting list to receive psychological treatment for depression. I cannot see the moment when I'll be feeling better about all this, and sometimes I just feel that I have spoiled my life with this and I will never be able to recover from it.
I would greatly appreciate any advise regarding how to move on from this, and also if it'd be possible at all for my ex-SO and I to ever try it out again.
Thanks in advance!
All I can tell you is that you WILL feel better. I had a similar A (countries apart, "true love", new feelings of acceptance and identity) and it ended with the same force with which it began. It was hard. I barely got out of bed for 2 months. I cried all day, every day. I waited until I had a moment alone so I could cry. I held on to him (once he broke free) desperately, waiting to understand everything and feel normal again..
It's getting easier by the day. Make a few friends on here, read our journals and realize that you're not alone in this. Once you do that work for yourself it's possible that your ex will take notice and you will be forgiven. If not, you will still be in a place different from where you started. Growth. Evolution.
Hang in there! *hugs*
I'm in a similiar boat as you. I was with my SO for 4 years. I'm going through the same emotions you are; shame, guilt, self loathing. My new therapist has told me two things that I believe we and others forget to remember
1) it takes two people to make a relationship work and two to make it not continue to work.
2) After ANY kind of break up our minds tend to only see the "good" memories/qualities abuot that person.
I remind myself of those things every day. I am trying to work with my ex SO to try and get through this but he's having a hard time with it so I'm giving him the time and space he needs. When I'm feeling down I honesly spend time with the people who will forgive and love you no matter what--family.
If you ever want to chat, please just let me know. My friends haven't really expereinced this and are having a hard time giving advice.
*Keep holding on.